What does it mean to settle?


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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #1  August 12,2009, 2:54pm
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You often hear single people say "I'm just not going to settle." Often when you hear this among younger never married individuals it comes across like they've got this idealized and fantasized picture of what they want, and it's just not realistic. And when you hear this term "settle" you most often think they are referring to physical appearance.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have certain physical preferences, and it is important to me to feel very attracted to my partner. However when I think of "settling" I think in much broader terms. I've learned over time (and through a previous marriage) that there are some things that just make it a lot easier on a relationship. For instance I am the type that likes to stay at home much more than going out. I'm not opposed to going out and having dinner and a movie or something similar, but I really want someone who doesn't feel like they have to be on the go all the time and can be content just hanging around the home. Having read different profiles I've seen women who feel very similarly so I know they're out there Another area I feel strongly about is being with someone who finds a way to be positive rather than looking for opportunities to be negative. I have a hard time being around people who are constantly unhappy about their life and constantly complaining.

So the two areas I mentioned above are very important to me, and these are areas that I won't "settle" in. On top of the fact that these are preferences, I've also learned through experience that in order to be a good fit for me these things need to be present. I have a wide range of acceptability in terms of looks and size (others might not consider it so, but imho I'm flexible enough ), but if I see certain things jumping out at me in a profile then I close immediately.

I've thought along these lines for some time, and the recent "Dealmakers" thread sparked some more thoughts. Reading in these forums I often see a lot trying to see how they can make something work with someone even though they seem to have nagging concerns about certain areas. If there are areas that are very important to you then I don't believe you should settle. As the cliche' goes, you should really be trying to find someone you can't live without rather than trying to find someone you can tolerate.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #2  August 12,2009, 3:11pm
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I would also add to that that it is better (much much better) to be alone than to be with someone that just doesn't *do it* for you.

For me, it would be sense of humor. He has got to have one, and if he takes himself too seriously that would never work for me.

Intelligence. I have to be able to trust him. Quite frankly, if I perceive him to be dumb (or morally and ethically inept) I would never be able to tell him to do what he thinks is right in any situation without a concern in the world for how its going to turn out. That is extremely important to me. I think it is important for the guy, too.

Then I have my *other* essentials list (which I wont go into)

And things I can take or leave.

The two things that I listed are critical, though.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #3  August 12,2009, 3:30pm
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I think that you are settling if you are with someone that you feel really good with & about.... but it may not reach the highest possible level of feeling & connection.

The problem is that you may not meet someone that makes you feel that highest level... or you may not a person that does so again.

Settling very well may be unavoidable. I don't know. Only the future can tell that for all of us.

It does not have to be such a bad thing. It may not always even be a conscious thing.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  August 12,2009, 3:40pm
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I think the idea that there is a person, or people, who are 'right for you' and others who are 'wrong' is a fallacy. I think it would be more accurate to say there is a broad spectrum of people who would be 'better' or 'worse' matches for us in a relationship.

I read in a social-psychology book once that people go through a calibration process for getting a sense of what possibilities there are for potential mates ('what's out there')....and also for how desireable they are themselves to these potential mates. People then set a 'bar' for what they will 'settle' for and what they won't.

The problem with setting this bar too high is that the probability goes way down that you'll encounter the type of person you want who will also want you. On the other hand, the problem with setting the 'bar' too low is that you'll later feel you 'could have done better' or will be unhappy.

My impression is that when people say they won't settle what they mean is that they won't lower this 'bar' for the quality of mate they will accept. They may or may not have a difficult time finding someone who meets their criteria (and vice versa).
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #5  August 12,2009, 3:46pm
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You know, I thought I knew what "to settle" meant but having had to actually think about it to respond to this, now I'm not so sure.

You can be completely happy with the one you're with and then someone else comes along and you may think that person would be a better partner, so now you think you've settled, but you didn't think you had settled before that other person came around.

But you can't keep leaving one for another because you may get into a trap where you think no one is good enough and will eventually end up alone, or feel you need to pick and end up unhappy.

Starting or continuing a relationship based on your needs and desires is a conscious choice, therefore, I don't feel you choose to settle. It may be that you use the term as an excuse for an unwise choice.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #6  August 12,2009, 3:46pm
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I settled... for someone wonderful!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #7  August 12,2009, 4:12pm
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In my mind, settling means choosing to be with someone who you know you are wrong for and who you know is wrong for you for whatever reason. Maybe your lifestyles, belief systems, morals/values don't mesh. Maybe it's something else. Whatever it is, it means that you can never be truly happy with this person, because to be happy one of you is going to have to change.

At the same time, I believe there are qualities that we find ourselves placing more or less emphasis on as we get older. I think part of this comes from experience and maturity, and I think another part of this comes from coming to know ourselves better. When we are younger, we have this perfect notion of what our future mate will say, do, look like, etc. As we mature, we begin to realize that there are some things that are much more important than others in the long run, so we develop some flexibility in what we must have vs. what would be nice vs. what really doesn't matter so much, if at all. I don't think this is settling, though. I think this is just a natural process of knowing yourself and what your needs are.

I know what I need within a relationship, though I am not going to list those things here because this is already getting lengthy. I also know what I would like to have in a relationship, but I wouldn't have to have these things to be happy; they'd be more like an added bonus if they were qualities that were present. Would I consider myself to be settling if I met a man who couldn't give me the things I'd like to have? No. I would consider myself to be settling if he couldn't give me what I needed, OR if I couldn't give him what he needed. Then I don't feel we could ever be truly be happy and we'd just be setting ourselves up to eventually fail.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #8  August 12,2009, 5:05pm
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I've already learned that life is not a Baskin Robbins. I've walked through life with all of my little lists of Must-Have-Can't-Stands, looking for Mr. Right and when I found someone he wasn't at all like what I had been lookng for. He was just neat. He fit in ways that I never thought to imagine. Zing! Consequently, my Must-Have-Can't-Stands have changed dramatically this time around. And I have no doubt that when I find the next one, he won't comply either. But he'll still be totally awesome.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #9  August 12,2009, 5:05pm

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it means different things to different people....and I think some people do have grandiose ideas about themselves and think they are "settling" for just about anyone.

In regards to myself. "Settling" is not something I have to question. If you are always questioning if you are "Settling" for someone I think you have comittment issues or grandiose ideas about yourself.

Settling is a gnawing feeling that something is not RIGHT. It's not a "I'm too good for this person, I can get an upgrade" it's when you have to FORCE affection, like, respect, enthusiasm and it may accompany the "ew" factor. Settling usually means you are afraid to be alone so will accept this gnawing feeling because you are afraid to stand alone, or you don't want people to think you can't find a partner.

If you are attracted to someone and like being with them, that is not settling...if you have to ask yourself, "am I settling?" you are probably not. You would know.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #10  August 12,2009, 5:07pm

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last12C wrote :
I've already learned that life is not a Baskin Robbins. I've walked through life with all of my little lists of Must-Have-Can't-Stands, looking for Mr. Right and when I found someone he wasn't at all like what I had been lookng for. He was just neat. He fit in ways that I never thought to imagine. Zing! Consequently, my Must-Have-Can't-Stands have changed dramatically this time around. And I have no doubt that when I find the next one, he won't comply either. But he'll still be totally awesome.
yeah...and I'd add that this applies not only to SO's but to our lives...jobs, where we choose to live, most choices we make actually.
 
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