What does it mean to settle?


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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #21  August 12,2009, 7:18pm
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Settling doesn't have to mean anything hugely negative, it could mean nothing more than that you have a long list of features that attract or repulse you from the sublime to the ridiculous, but you realise you won't get a perfect fit on all of them, so you settle for 99% or just the most important ones, or just one big doozy of a dealmaker.
It all depends on how big your list is, and how realistic.
Any relationship is likely to have some degree of settling in it, just because one person refuses to accept anything less than the entire fantasy that doesn't mean the other person won't be settling by being with them.
The way i see it there are things that are essential for you and things that are essential for her, but there are also things that are essential for the relationship. That's where i think a lot of people go wrong, they concentrate so much on thermselves, their own lists of makers and breakers and trying to avoid compromise of a single ideal that they ignore what the relationship needs. Not every desire of ours is going to be good for a relationship, you have to find a balance between the selfish me and the partnership we.
That probably doesn't make much sense, i'm still working on articulating my thoughts on this.

There are lots of things i find attractive, other things that turn me right off, and still others that i have no concrete feeling on one way or the other. There are some things that i won't compromise on because a mismatch on those will mean a life of argument and regret, lot's of others that while i might find them attractive in a person, they're not essential for a relationship. I like red hair, always had a massive weakness for it, it turns my head quick enough to break my neck, but it's not a must have for a relationship, just a nice to have for me personally.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #22  August 12,2009, 7:22pm
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jayjay wrote :
The criteria of wanting to have children is a good one that is largely cut and dried. Good example. And then there are the criteria that take on a whole range of possible values....such as 'the ability to communicate', or 'sense of humor'.

Of course we see things the same way. We're two peas in a pod.
The ability to communicate, the sense of humor--those are the nice to have things, but they aren't what I'd consider something I'd be settling over. Communication could become a deal breaker if it became an absolute, i.e., a refusal to communicate a majority of the time, but I don't see how a person could settle when it comes to communication. I just don't view it in the same light as having children.

And yes, you're right, we are.
 
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Benevolence32 is offline Benevolence32 Post #23  August 12,2009, 7:55pm
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Well it sort of depends how you look at it and what you're expectations or "lists" currently consist of. If I settled it might be a huge difference from someone else settling. Like I have a small list of dealbreakers or a small checklist if you will already. I'm very open minded because I know dating or falling in love isn't like going shopping on ebay for shoes. The type of person you end up being happy with might not be the person you imagined in your head 8 years ago.

So if I settled that means I would be crossing off huge, key things that I know would make me happy in a relationship. Now if I had a huge list of things I expect such as narrowing it down to hair or eye color for example and I scratched those things off I don't really consider that settling it's more like I woke up after being hit with a reality check.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #24  August 13,2009, 4:13am
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wishamee wrote :
It is really hard sometimes to stop and consider whether a want is actually a must have as you go through life.
I think this is a key point right here. We've all seen plenty of "I need someone that fits every criteria on the following 37 point list. Why can't I find a date!111!1!!eleventyone! I shouldn't have to settle!"

There are key core values that I don't consider myself very flexible on, but I also have ideas of "nice to haves" that I'm much more flexible with.

For example, I've got a thing for red heads, but I wouldn't say I'm settling if I'm dating anyone that has a different hair color.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #25  August 13,2009, 4:27am
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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Benevolence32 wrote :
I'm very open minded because I know dating or falling in love isn't like going shopping on ebay for shoes.
It's not? Because sometimes it feels like wandering around in the bargin basement.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #26  August 13,2009, 7:47am
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bigfincat wrote :
I think that you are settling if you are with someone that you feel really good with & about.... but it may not reach the highest possible level of feeling & connection.

The problem is that you may not meet someone that makes you feel that highest level... or you may not a person that does so again.

Settling very well may be unavoidable. I don't know. Only the future can tell that for all of us.

It does not have to be such a bad thing. It may not always even be a conscious thing.
Would this be "the grass is always greener" syndrome?
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #27  August 13,2009, 2:16pm

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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
Would this be "the grass is always greener" syndrome?
I would have to say yes....
 
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