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NiceGuysFinishFirst NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline
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NiceGuysFinishFirst doesn't have a method to his madness, but a madness to my method.

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Earlier this month I ran into a woman that I briefly dated 10 years ago who recently got divorced and we started talking to each other. She had told me that she was engaged to a guy, but she broke it off and though he was still living with her he was moving back to Brazil where he was from. We had planned to go out on a date on a Monday night at 7pm. I got dressed, shaved, all that, and she finally calls me at 7:30pm to cancel the date, but wants to meet up at my house to talk for a bit. So we did. And soon it becomes abundantly clear that she is really interested in me and is already talking about hypotheticals like cooking for me, sleeping over, etc. And to be honest, it made me very uncomfortable. So I told her that we should take things slow and just see what happens one step at a time.

We start talking the next day on the phone and she tells me that her and the guy from Brazil are still together, but not together. And now she's thinking of going to Brazil for a visit, but she doesn't see it going anywhere. This is confusing beyond belief after what she had said originally so I tell her that I think I don't want to intrude and I don't think it's fair for him or me to be talking to me when clearly there's another man in her life. I told her this yesterday and today I come home and I have 5 voice mail messages from her. It's almost like that scene in "The Cable Guy" when Matthew Broderick comes home and Jim Carrey leaves him all those voice mail messages.

I guess this is a stupid question since I probably already answered it, but is she a stalker or what? Any advice?
- August 11th, 2009, 07:04 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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D_Lion - Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

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The good news is she is likely to become totally infatuated with someone else next week, and will then forget you even exist.

You should be able to wait this out.
- August 11th, 2009, 07:09 pm
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funnyengineergal funnyengineergal is offline
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Ohhh.......... Tough luck! So sorry to read your email!!! That's a shame that she went kind of nutsy on you... but yes, it's time to let her down easy. Personally I would've ran after learning that the person is still living with their ex. Never a good thing!!

Lesson learned!!

Me
- August 11th, 2009, 07:11 pm
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flgal flgal is offline
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Her behavior is a definite red flag. I would trust your instincts.
- August 11th, 2009, 07:20 pm
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Honestgetsdishonest Honestgetsdishonest is offline
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NiceGuysFinishFirst wrote :
Earlier this month I ran into a woman that I briefly dated 10 years ago who recently got divorced and we started talking to each other. She had told me that she was engaged to a guy, but she broke it off and though he was still living with her he was moving back to Brazil where he was from. We had planned to go out on a date on a Monday night at 7pm. I got dressed, shaved, all that, and she finally calls me at 7:30pm to cancel the date, but wants to meet up at my house to talk for a bit. So we did. And soon it becomes abundantly clear that she is really interested in me and is already talking about hypotheticals like cooking for me, sleeping over, etc. And to be honest, it made me very uncomfortable. So I told her that we should take things slow and just see what happens one step at a time.

We start talking the next day on the phone and she tells me that her and the guy from Brazil are still together, but not together. And now she's thinking of going to Brazil for a visit, but she doesn't see it going anywhere. This is confusing beyond belief after what she had said originally so I tell her that I think I don't want to intrude and I don't think it's fair for him or me to be talking to me when clearly there's another man in her life. I told her this yesterday and today I come home and I have 5 voice mail messages from her. It's almost like that scene in "The Cable Guy" when Matthew Broderick comes home and Jim Carrey leaves him all those voice mail messages.

I guess this is a stupid question since I probably already answered it, but is she a stalker or what? Any advice?

I had a similar experience.

I have a story for you. But incase you do not feel like reading it all, here is the answer.

It is VERY possible that this girl is suffering from some kind of psycodic episode.

It is NOT worth your time trying to figure out how to solve this.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in her and ask her never to call you again. Move on with your life. There are plenty of "normal"women out there that do not have "issues".

My story is worse than yours.


After knowing a woman (32 years old) for some time, I decided to see if she wanted to date. She turned me down but she still wanted to be friends. I knew I would develop feelings for her and want more out of our relationship. So I tried to seal the issue. I told her straight out, I do not want to be "just friends" It's all or nothing. She said she was not interested in dating me. Before I left her, I thought it was clear that our friendship was over. I even told her so.

Later she called me one the phone and started talking to me as if we were friends. I stopped her six times, and told her in six different ways, "Do not call me". Finally, out of frustration I yelled at her,

"I DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU. DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN.....DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" She said yes.

She continued to call me and leave messages. Her messages contained nothing romantic, just wanting to talk. Example; BEEP "I was just wondering what you were up to. How is your job? Is your sister doing ok? anyway I'll talk to you later."

This went on week after week, then month after month.

I only answered a few times just to say "DO NOT CALL ME!!" or "QUIT CALLING ME!!"

Finally, I called her parents and before I could introduce myself, they knew who I was.

They explained that she was in a car accident when she was 16 years old that nearly took her life. She suffered major brain dammage, and was in a coma for 3 months. When she finnally recovered, everything seemed fine. They explain that her mental condition was to blame for her calling me.

So, she gets stuck in these loops. Other than that, you would not be able to tell that she had issues.

It has been 7 years now, and she still calls me.
- August 11th, 2009, 07:56 pm
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Sweetyflea Sweetyflea is offline
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Hmm, I've heard a similar situation before with my friend to where he didn't know what he wanted in relationship with this girl and was seeing another.

I think she doesn't know what she wants and sounds a little clingy. I wouldn't say a stalker yet, because she sounds insecure and unsure about herself and no confindence in the relationship with men since she went through a divorce and is flipping between two guys she' s interested in. It's definately a red flag and its not worth pursuing for a relationship. It almost sounds like she's playing games between you and the guy she is suppose to be together with. That can lead you into a situation that you can not get out of. She needs to stop and work on herself and think what she really wants in her life. If you told her that you are no longer interested but still calls you about dating, that's a stalker. Overall, move on, there are more better fish in the sea and just keep your distance from this one.
Last edited by Sweetyflea; August 11th, 2009 at 09:08 pm.
- August 11th, 2009, 08:46 pm
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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This just the type of girl every man should run from. She has no clue as to what she really wants. Good luck
- August 12th, 2009, 12:09 am
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IcecreamMoon IcecreamMoon is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
The good news is she is likely to become totally infatuated with someone else next week, and will then forget you even exist.

You should be able to wait this out.
Listen to the Frog on this one.
Occasionally he shocks us all and says something uncharacteristically wise and insightful!

And no, I don't think leaving 5 voicemail messages amounts to her being a psychotic stalker. Unless her behavior progresses to something more threatening, just be flattered and move on.
- August 12th, 2009, 02:04 am
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lil_lamb lil_lamb is offline
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she is hysterical. i can say that, i'm female. run.
- August 12th, 2009, 02:23 am
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Jedi_Scout Jedi_Scout is offline
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I wouldn't say she's a stalker, she's just not very good with relationships. The dynamic she has with her guy from Brazil and you illustrates the point. She's trying to replace one guy with another and giving you a front row seat to the thoughts she has on the matter.

Regarding her talking about cooking for you, staying over, etc., some people simply don't know what's appropriate and what's not appropriate. She probably views you as something familiar and safe so she probably says more than she should. -I'm sure it makes sense to her in her head.

There's an old joke, the difference between whether a person is a stalker or persistent is whether or not the other individual likes the person. It rises to the level of stalker if the person consistently uses phones and email to contact you even though you've expressly stated your desire to have no contact with the person or the person starts showing up at your place of work, home, or favorite hangouts without you asking the person to visit you at those locations.

I think you're already uncomfortable and punching the eject button so it really doesn't matter what her issues are. You need to decide on a course of action and then explicitly state to her what your plan is going forward. Subtle hints won't work and I don't think she's going to self-correct. If you want her to change, she needs to hear it. If you want her to leave you alone, she needs to hear it. If you're hoping she'll take a hint, that's a coin toss. Her hope may trump her experience.
- August 12th, 2009, 03:08 am
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