Inside the Mind of the Single Guy

Inside the Mind of the Single Guy

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Inside the Mind of the Single Guy


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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #71  January 8,2008, 11:46am
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I think people experience sex on different levels and that is their right. JohnD34 seems bent on convincing people that they are wrong or they are "old fashioned" or a out dated if their thoughts, experiences and feelings about sex mean more to them than a "pleasurable exchange". I say to each their own. If he is ok with sex on that level, fine, I'm not ok with that. I'd rather have more of an emotional connection with the person I share my body with. It means more than physical pleasure and I'd like that person to want to share more in my life than sex and I'd like to share more in his life than sex. I could go out and get "pleasurable sex" anytime, and there is nothing really special about that for me. I'd rather connect with someone on another level. To each his own and different people have different levels of intimacy and experiences. I want to be with the man who want's to be with "me" not a man who wants to be with me for sex, (because he can go out and get "sex" from any woman) but he can't get "me" from anywhere.
 
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Sarah is offline Sarah Post #72  January 8,2008, 3:17pm
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Why is JohnD34 so bent on convincing others that if they believe sex is on another level besides a "pleasant experience" then they are old fashioned and out of step with the modern times. Does everyone have to believe that the standard for sex is casual, friends with benefit? When has it become taboo to want a deeper connection with someone and to feel on another level than exchanging bodily secretions? Love songs, poetry and art, were rendered by men who experienced sex and love on a level that was more than "pleasant". Why is he continuing to hammer his point home and make others feel that they are not correct if they feel that for them sex and love go hand in hand? If I choose not to share my body on a casual friend with benefit basis, that is my business. I can go out and get sex anywhere, but I want someone who wants "All of me' (as the song says). Love is a many layered thing and people have the ability to feel it at their own individual level. I don't like casual sex without emotional involvment. I don't think any of us are saying virginity or wait for marriage but I think for a lot of women, at least for me I want more than just a relationship that is soley based on sex. There used to be a time when these values were upheld, now they are being sneared at by men who think women are being old fashioned if they have gotten tired of just having sex in a dead end casual situation that doesn't lead to anything deeper.
 
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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #73  January 9,2008, 10:16am
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Luckydays51 I am not a teenager. I am not a parent of teenagers. So I am bit cofused as to why you connect me with teen sex in anyway. But as to your general question: Do I still think being sexually active is harmless? Yes. At least, so far, based on my personal experience, I have no reason to fear being sexually active. The women I date seem to feel the same way. I have not, yet at least, met any woman who is afraid of being sexually active or who sees sex as something semi-sacred or an activity that god denies her from enjoying. I don't mind in any way if you wish to not be sexually active or if you wish to save it for reasons of your own. What I do mind is anyone claiming that their personal likes and dislikes and timelines for having sex are somehow more virtuous or godly. To each their own. I can only go by my experience and that informs me that many, perhaps most well educated, non religiously indoctrinated women enjoy the experience of sex and expect that it will be part of the dating life.
 
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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #74  January 9,2008, 10:25am
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Hey Sarah it is you not me who is trying to promote her view of sex. I have made it clear from the get go that I speak for myself and the women I date. We like sex and do it because it is pleasurable. If you wish to remain celibate then go for it. More power to you. I am sure you will find some men who feel the same as you. I think too I have made it quite clear that I don't date solely to find a sexual partner. But I do see sex as complementing and enhancing all the other things we do in a dating relationship. Again you have the right, as I have repeatedly said to set your own timeline, as far as having sex is concerned. Just remember, however, that you speak for yourself and not all women. You have no right to cast any kind of value judgement on women who do enjoy sex. You have no right to assume that casual sex is less pleasurable or meaningful than sex in a longer term relationship. You can of course say that for you, and you alone, that sex without the flowers and poetry is not good sex. This is your right. Just don't try to universalize your feelings about sex and dating. Thank you taking the time to care what I write Sarah. I appreciate it.
 
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Spider is offline Spider Post #75  January 9,2008, 1:03pm
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Ladies, ladies... you're shooting the messenger. John's attempting to clarify the article for you, and you're reacting negatively because you don't want to believe him. You might not like what he has to say, but he's the single guy and you're not. He knows whereof he speaks; that you're uncomfortable with the fact is not his fault. As the article says (and I do take a lot of it with a grain of salt myself), most women do not understand the male viewpoint. So why are you arguing with John? He's trying to explain that point of view to you - that you don't like what he's saying isn't going to change things.
 
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willy717 is offline willy717 Post #76  January 9,2008, 7:10pm
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I agree with BFUNKEY, just be yourself, and do not be phony or fake especially on the first date. Have fun with dating, do not get so worked up or uptight about it. relax and do what is right in your heart and mind.
 
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ecoslave is offline ecoslave Post #77  January 9,2008, 9:29pm
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Much of what is stated in the article does not match what I have observed. Perhaps this is an age-related thing, but I have found that, once the grieving is over, middle-aged women often bloom after the end of a relationship/marriage. In fact many of us like being on our own so much that we conciously avoid serious relations for a time. Middle-aged men, I have observed, often get into a new relationship a soon as possible, often marrying the first person that come along. Men seem a bit more uneasy being alone than women and the research bears this out (I am a psychology profesor familiar with the research.) Thus, I disagree with the author when he says that men do not have marriage on their minds. Of course some do not, but the research demonstrates that men are more uncomfortable alone and more quickly move into marriage after a divorce/breakup.
 
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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #78  January 10,2008, 3:30pm
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I suspect ECOSLAVE--although I haven't read any research on it--that there is a difference between formerly married men who are now single and men who have never been married. The former may have a greater need to be married than a man who has always been single. I think the article was addressing the mindset of single men who have not yet married. Personally I would find it a very large adjustment to learn how to share my life with someone else. I too like living a single life. I can come and go as I please. I can pursue whatever interests me at the moment and not have to get bogged down in endless negotiations over how to share the resources of a home. I think the article did accurately reflect how many single--not survivors of failed relationships--men feel about marriage. One need only look at how many marriages fail and the high cost it entails to be very, very marriage shy. How could a marriage possibly enhance my life? What would it offer me that I can't already get through dating and friendships? No I think a growing number of men are, indeed, questioning the wisdom of getting married.
 
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JohnD.34 is offline JohnD.34 Post #79  January 10,2008, 4:21pm
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I wonder what these formerly middle-aged married men, who are desperate to be married again, are really seeking: might it be a MOMMY. Maybe these men went from a home in which mommy looked after them and then when they got married their wives looked after them. Now, for the first time some of these guys find themselves alone and they don't know how to cook for themselves, or clean their own clothes or house, or shop. My dad was like that and he even took pride in the fact that he knew nothing about housework: "women's work"! If my mom had died before him I have no doubt he would have had to find another woman to look after him. These kind of guys are truly half men and half boy. It doesn't surprise me that boy/men like this would quickly go in search of a wife(mommy) to look after them. Most guys my age, who are single, know how to look after themselves. Many of us have lived alone for a decade or more. No one cooks for us, cleans up after us, shops for us or dresses us. We take household chores for granted--doesn't mean we like doing it--but we know damn well that either we do it or it doesn't get done. The idea that there is a category of work that belongs to women and another category of work that belongs to men is simply something that has been relegated to the past. In common with many men my age, who have never been married we would not marry someone because we needed someone to do our cooking and washing. We certainly don't need to get married in order to have a fulfilling sex life, either. So why get married? What exactly would a single man such as myself get out of marriage? How would it enrich my life? Surely it is not for companionship. All too many men and women tell me that they never, or hardly ever, speak to their partners anymore. Fear of growing old alone? Somebody in any marriage will likely be the first to go thus leaving someone alone. Children? I read recently an article about how children don't really add to our net happiness. They often disappoint and will leave you eventually, anyway. And if the marriage did break up most men lose their children--not the bills for the kids, but the day to day contact with them. So why marriage? Is it any wonder than many single men in their twenties and thirties are not too keen to get married anytime soon.
 
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Carole Anne is offline Carole Anne Post #80  January 10,2008, 5:04pm
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This article and all the posts are beyond insightful. To JohnD.34 and all other men who agree with his views. First off, not all women are looking to get married. I’ve refused three marriage proposals in my life. I, for one, have never had that goal in mind. Finding someone truly compatible, intellectually, emotionally and sexually has always been my goal and I did find this on two occasions in my life in two long term relationships; from the age of 17 to 23 and 24 to 34. In both relationships, I, and they, evolved to the extent that caused the relationships to dissolve but, in my opinion, both relationships were a success based on that very fact. The fact is that many men may be missing this point. Yes, their goal may be sexual intimacy, but nothing beats sexual intimacy on the level that is achieved when there is a true level of emotional, intellectual and sexual commitment. It does require the ability to truly love. It starts with empathy, self-knowing, intimacy and seeing the other person as more than a means to an end. Once you truly know who you are, and select based on this, then, and only then, can you experience true love and intimacy,and, do I need to say it, great sex. It has nothing to do with religious doctrine. Let’s face it, religious doctrine was rooted in this type of precept and rightly so. Basically, the bottom line is, to all men out there who think that scoring is the ultimate goal: you don’t have a clue what you’re missing, because nothing can even come close to being intimate with someone you truly love.
 
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