Advice on how to proceed?


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Drew7341 is offline Drew7341 Post #1  August 9,2009, 11:42am
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Met a woman two weeks ago. She works in a "branch office" in Texas and was visiting our headquarters in MD where I work. I was highly impressed by her and also found her very attractive. We started emailing back and forth after she returned to TX. She is a SGT in the Army but is leaving in six months and is trying to find a job in our defense field which in all likelihood will bring her to the DC area since 90% of said field is located here.

We arranged a tentative meeting in San Antonio (where she is located) for the first weekend in October just to attend one or two festivals if she isn't on Army duty that weekend. I asked if her BF would be joining us to which she responded that she doesn't have one. Being the insecure person that I am and therefore being afraid that if I didn't "make my move" soon some other guy would, I told her in a very carefully prepared email that I thought she was very intelligent, kind and attractive and that I would be interested in slowly getting to know her better.

She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered" by my interest, but she is "too selfish" right now to date anyone as she is "100% focused" on her post-Army future and getting over a past break-up. My question is how should I proceed? I was going to offer to be there if she wants to talk, but is there anything else I could do to make her smile, laugh, think "aww you're so sweet Drew7341" and feel special without her feeling like I'm pressuring her?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #2  August 9,2009, 5:43pm
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October is 2 to 3 months away depending on when you are going to the festivals. See where she is in her career and healing then.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #3  August 9,2009, 5:49pm
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Drew7341 wrote :
She responded by saying she was "incredibly flattered" by my interest, but she is "too selfish" right now to date anyone as she is "100% focused" on her post-Army future and getting over a past break-up. My question is how should I proceed? I was going to offer to be there if she wants to talk, but is there anything else I could do to make her smile, laugh, think "aww you're so sweet Drew7341" and feel special without her feeling like I'm pressuring her?
Please explain to us why you feel it is necessary to go out with a woman who is not interested in you the way you want, who is "too selfish" to date, who has some baggage that she's not over?

What you need to do is to send her a email saying OK, that's cool, let me know when you are free to date. And then what you do is stop emailing her, stop talking to her, and start finding someone who IS into you the way you want, who isn't selfish enough to date, and who is ready to date.

There are a TON of available, single, attractive women in this world. It's up to you to find them.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  August 9,2009, 5:59pm
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Yes, I agree with Mr. Right above. This sounds like a dismissal, which may or may not be true, but is just a way of saying she isn't interested in you.

I've been able to get a woman to turn around and reconsider, but that had day-to-day interaction
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #5  August 9,2009, 6:22pm
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Drew, if you pursue this woman she would be high maintenance. She already told you she is "too selfish" (Warning!~Warning!)....believe her. She is not ready to date, she said so; she is getting over a breakup. If you feel up to it just think of her as a friend and treat her likewise. You stated your intentions with her. I wouldn't even offer to be there to "listen", because then you will be a buddy in her eyes. Let her make all the moves if she's interested. She sounds well and able IF she's interested. Best wishes.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  August 9,2009, 7:26pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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You're being friend zoned for your email...and trying to get her to think 'aww you're so sweet' (that's friend zone stuff).

If you're still interested in her my advice is to tell her that's fine and try to keep your scheduled visit to her in Oct. as a 'friend'. On that trip you have to actually be a 'friend'. If you start coming on to her again like you did you'll stay perpetually in the friend zone. To get out of it she has to want you out of it....not vice versa. At least, that's my view. Good luck. If not, I'm not too far from San Antonio. ; )
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #7  August 9,2009, 7:28pm
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jayjay wrote :
You're being friend zoned for your email...and trying to get her to think 'aww you're so sweet' (that's friend zone stuff).

If you're still interested in her my advice is to tell her that's fine and try to keep your scheduled visit to her in Oct. as a 'friend'. On that trip you have to actually be a 'friend'. If you start coming on to her again like you did you'll stay perpetually in the friend zone. To get out of it she has to want you out of it....not vice versa. At least, that's my view. Good luck. If not, I'm not too far from San Antonio. ; )
This is absolutely right.
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #8  August 9,2009, 8:13pm
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I would thank her for her honesty and keep things light. If you're not careful, she may think you're disrespecting her boundaries and end up backing away completely.
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #9  August 9,2009, 8:28pm
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landstar59 wrote :
Drew, if you pursue this woman she would be high maintenance. She already told you she is "too selfish" (Warning!~Warning!)....believe her. She is not ready to date, she said so; she is getting over a breakup. If you feel up to it just think of her as a friend and treat her likewise. You stated your intentions with her. I wouldn't even offer to be there to "listen", because then you will be a buddy in her eyes. Let her make all the moves if she's interested. She sounds well and able IF she's interested. Best wishes.
I agree....you made your move. She responded. If you think you can be her friend go ahead but I wouldn't make anymore moves and I would definintely not be interested in "being there" to listen to her talk about her ex... If you must be a friend and who knows what might happen.
 
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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #10  August 9,2009, 9:03pm
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Spot On.

Perfectly said.

The End.





Mr_Right wrote :
Please explain to us why you feel it is necessary to go out with a woman who is not interested in you the way you want, who is "too selfish" to date, who has some baggage that she's not over?

What you need to do is to send her a email saying OK, that's cool, let me know when you are free to date. And then what you do is stop emailing her, stop talking to her, and start finding someone who IS into you the way you want, who isn't selfish enough to date, and who is ready to date.

There are a TON of available, single, attractive women in this world. It's up to you to find them.
 
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