Why women are the ones to leave...


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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #21  August 8,2009, 5:47am
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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I'm about to open a can of worms, but I think men emotionally vacate the relationship sooner than women, but it's the women who vocalize it by initating a divorce. Men start, but women finish.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #22  August 8,2009, 5:50am
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It is so complicated, ya'll, and it doesn't even have to be.

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IcecreamMoon wrote :
This is making me think... maybe we got all this matching business wrong then? Maybe we should be matched on what we dislike, rather than what we like? That way the dislike either stays in the dislikes or, best case scenario, turns into like. Hmmmm...

It really should be both. I know eH's "can't stands", don't go anywhere helping to narrow down choices. You migh find a profile that really interest you, then meet the person and find all these negative things that overshadow the good traits.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #23  August 8,2009, 6:17am
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Lizzie, this is truly a great topic. I will have to follow it
I think you are into something. I did leave 3 of my 5 relationships and in 2 of those cases I moved mountains (it felt) to get them to work. At the end I was spent, felt unloved, isolated and I ended them. Both came back over and over again wanting to work it out, one of those I tried again, but it was just like 'oh she's back' and everything started again.
I felt both could have been hard yet very good relationships but definitely did not feel like they were pulling their weight.

Example: of three years in a relationship, 2 of those he was 6.5 hrs away and then 2.5 hrs away, (we lived 30 minutes apart at the beginning); he was the one who moved twice; yet I was the one who drove 9/10 times to visit. He will make me feel bad to leave the day before work, so many times I would leave at 2-3 AM to make it to work on a Monday on time. And yet it was me who kept giving him massages and cooking and being sweet; while many times when I was there he had to go for a group meeting or study and could not have fun. And yes, I was all that time a part time student with a full time job. What was I thinking!!!

The other ones they were the ones who mentioned the breakup first, and in neither case these relationships were work. The last one, I learnt my lesson and after I saw the work I was putting in and a few times he yelled at me for no reason I left him 3 months in.

Related topic: I am reading this book and it says that after 2 years your initial hormone high (for women when meeting a man) finally comes down to normal pre-relationship levels and THAT is when all the work starts (or should start!). I guess waiting over 2 years to get married seems prudent, specially since my three LTR have ended closely to the 2.5-3 year mark!!

Again, great topic!
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #24  August 8,2009, 6:24am
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LizziePooh wrote :
My feeling is that women are the ones that end it because men are deaf to pleas of working on their relationship until the woman is just done.

She just doesn't want to try anymore. It takes a woman getting to that point for the man to all of sudden want to "work" on the relationship.
LizziePooh wrote :
No - I don't think that is it at all. I am talking about when a woman tries and tries to make a relationship work. She finally gives up and that is when the man wants to work on it. But by then it is too late.

Maybe the relationship is working, from the man's perspective?

While the women is demanding something that he can't supply or even understand is a wrong?
 
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freeyetagain is offline freeyetagain Post #25  August 8,2009, 7:48am
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Most of these posts ring true to what just happened in my last relationship. I initially had a problem with the communication thing..not saying what I needed. I read the Venus Mars book and tried to approach the communication thing as suggested. For six months..maybe I did not give it enough time..I only had one request. It was concerning a behaviour of disappearing and not calling (to be brief) despite his ability to do it while during the week. By this I mean every three weeks (weekends I work) the situations I just mentioned occured. During the weekend and every day inbetween my boyfriend would call more than once a day and email at least 2 times. Needless to say I thought it best to confront the situation. I kept getting answers I was not confortable with. Long story short I did catch him in a deception and ended it because I could no longer deal with the secrecy. I have yet to get closure on this and he has neglected to tell his side. So there you go.!!!!
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #26  August 8,2009, 8:00am
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LizziePooh wrote :
Another thread got me thinking about why women tend to be the ones to end relationships or initiate divorces.

My feeling is that women are the ones that end it because men are deaf to pleas of working on their relationship until the woman is just done.

I have seen this time and time again with failed relationships. Obviously, not all but I would say more tend to play out this way.

It takes the woman being emotionally done for the man to finally want to work on the relationship. The rub is the woman has already left the relationship. Maybe not physically but emotionally. She just doesn't want to try anymore. It takes a woman getting to that point for the man to all of sudden want to "work" on the relationship.

Why do you think that is? Do you think that is true? Have you experienced this yourself?

Married people of BOTH genders in so-called First World nations, are VERY quick to forget such silly little phrases as:

For Better or for Worse


For Richer or for Poorer


In sickness and in health.


Till Death Do Us Part.



Disgusting.


Not to say some split ups have good reasons. Some do. But the institution is cavalierly regarded. People toss away marriages like yesterday's newspaper. Doesn't even matter if children are there to suffer because of it.
 
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hogrally is offline hogrally Post #27  August 8,2009, 8:08am
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D_Lion wrote :
Maybe the relationship is working, from the man's perspective?

While the women is demanding something that he can't supply or even understand is a wrong?
OUch....this is hitting way to close to home. My best friend just left a 15 year relationship. What has been stated above here is EXACTLY what happened. Unfortuneately for him his efforts were too little too late....
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #28  August 8,2009, 8:10am
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chawks64 wrote :
I did a lot of actual research and one thing I found was that the majority of divorced couples knew there was a serious problem before they were married but went ahead with the wedding anyway. Most said they figured they could work it out after they were married. Bad, bad, bad idea.


That is EXACTLY what happened to me.


She: "How MANY children to have"


Me: "Whether or not to HAVE children".



Further complicated by pressure from the INS:


"You marry her within 90 days of her arriving here, or else we will deport her"


~~~~~~~

My mother was married to a loving man for 64 years and when he died, she died 10 days later, of a broken heart I am absolutely certain, at 92 years old....

She was very wise: One of her sayings oft repeated was:

"Marry in Haste.

Repent in Leisure".
Last edited by 6dle899; August 8,2009 at 8:16am.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #29  August 8,2009, 8:10am
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chawks64 wrote :
Good point! In a class I took a couple of years ago, we had to do a how-to speech. I went with my area of expertise and did "How To Marry The Wrong Man". I did a lot of actual research and one thing I found was that the majority of divorced couples knew there was a serious problem before they were married but went ahead with the wedding anyway. Most said they figured they could work it out after they were married. Bad, bad, bad idea.
This was the case in my marriage and two engagements after my divorce. I need to learn to make better choices in men and find out what it is about me that attracts megalomaniac, controlling, possessive men.

Your post is very cathartic for me, and has me taking a closer look at the signals I transmit that could be the reason for my failed relationships.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #30  August 8,2009, 8:22am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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D_Lion wrote :
Maybe the relationship is working, from the man's perspective?

While the women is demanding something that he can't supply or even understand is a wrong?
I think this is insightful into what is probably going on. A man who wants to stay is getting what he wants from the relationship, or at least enough to want to stay in it. A woman who leaves the relationship isn't getting what she wants. And....what they each want from the other and relationship can be very different than what the other wants. Then, of course, there are the questions about how reasonable are the wants of each person.
 
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