He Lost His Wife and Young Son Suddenly...


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Graceful585 is offline Graceful585 Post #1  August 7,2009, 9:02am
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Hi,

I've been cooresponding and talking with a really nice man who lost his wife and youngest son unexpectedly in April of this year. He has another son who was with his mom and brother when this all happened so this has severly impacted and changed this young boys life forever as well as his dads.

I was very apprehensive about getting involved with him as their loss just happened only a few months ago. and I also have just ended a six year marriage and have been on my own for a year. So, you have quite a few different dynamics going on here.

We live 1400 miles apart and met on a Christian online website and we've been talking nightly on the phone for the past three weeks. He and his young son are grieving and in counseling as they work through the pain of their loss and struggles of dealing with their grief from this unexpected tradgedy. He wrote me and at first I was a bit standoffish as I felt it was way too soon for him to be thinking about dating again, but through emails, then chat and learning a bit more about him, I and he began to talk on the phone nightly. I have just tried to be a friend to listen, support and encourage him through this process. I don't think it would be good for either of us and especially for his son for anything more to happen between us, as I truly feel I would be interfering with the healing process that they both are going through and will be for some time.

We have shared so much with each other in our conversations that we both really like what we see in the other....I'm just wondering if this is healthy at this time because our conversations are becoming more serious with regards to our shared feelings...I think that it's good we're miles apart right now.. so as to keep things purely platonic....I just don't want to be the rebound of what this tradegy has done to this family and I certainly don't want to be the cause of any additional pain.

Any thoughts would be most appreciated.
 
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brownize916 is offline brownize916 Post #2  August 7,2009, 9:31am
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This could be on the level but I would be cautious. I have been contacted by scammers a few times on various dating sites and all but one of them had the same story of losing their wife and young son recently. Anytime I hear this now I get suspicious.

If it is on the level my personal opinion is that its too soon. I have a strict rule for myself that I do not date anyone who has not been divorced/widowed for at least a year. That being said, you will need to do what you feel is right for you and your situation. All I can say is that if it was the right thing then you might not be asking for advice. Good luck to you.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  August 7,2009, 9:40am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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The thing is (assuming he's on the level) you're both getting more and more invested in each other emotionally. As this goes on most likely you'll want to get involvd with each other on a personal level....and when meeting in person so many times things are entirely different. This can be quite a blow to one or both people. I don't think it's a good idea to get highly invested in someone without spending time together in person.
 
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Graceful585 is offline Graceful585 Post #4  August 7,2009, 10:25am
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Thank you, I appreciate your responses. I know for a fact he is on the level as I've read the news articles, and I have seen the news shows of this tradegy and have seen him speak in those news casts, so he is "real" and I'm comfortable with who he says he is.

I do also agree that until you actually meet in person you can't really know how you will truly relate...talking over the phone is a start...but meeting is so much more important and spending time together is extremely important.

I think the reason I worry is that he's hurting right now and going through so much with being a newly single dad, trying tofind his way, supporting his son, finding a new routine for their lives, having ups and downs and knowing it's all right to have good days and bad and we've developed a friendship where he's able to share all of this with me and just be who he is with no walls, no pretense and no judgements. I just try to support him and encourage him the best way I know how and I do so with an open heart and compassion.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #5  August 7,2009, 10:56am
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You wrote: "He wrote me and at first I was a bit standoffish as I felt it was way too soon for him to be thinking about dating again,"

I think your first instinct in right. To me, it seems he's reaching out for a safe way to engage in a conversation. You might be a perfect therapist for him. But I can't see how this guy is ready for any kind of romantic relationship. And that you live 1400 miles away, you're increasing the risk of hurt to both of you. I'd keep a friendship only with this guy if at all. Surly there must be many men that are emotionally ready to date you in your own town??
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #6  August 7,2009, 11:05am
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I feel as though I'm always raising the red flags, and here I go again.

Unfortunately there are a number of skillful scam artists out there that are successful in part because they tug at the heartstrings. Please be careful. He hasn't asked you for money, has he?

I can't imagine that someone who recently lost a beloved wife and child only a few months ago is ready for a relationship already - but again, that could just be me (I try never to apply my own timetables to others, since we're all so different). Still, it seems like an awfully quick recovery.

Finally, as jayjay mentioned: you seem to have invested an awful lot of emotion in someone you haven't even met. Until you do actually spend in-person time together, you don't really know who you're dealing with.

All that being said, you sound like a caring person with a lot to give - so please be careful. I wish you the best of luck.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #7  August 7,2009, 11:06am
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wishes you all the very best!

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I just got modded, so hopefully my comment will show up - ?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  August 7,2009, 12:54pm
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It is way too soon for him to be thinking about another relationship. Years too soon. Grief takes time to heal and I see in him that he has not even begun the grieving process. Having been divorced just a year it may even be too soon for you to be getting into a relationship even with someone with out the grief of loss of loved ones.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  August 7,2009, 1:35pm
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I think the post from Brownzie916 is excellent. (May be a good idea to keep your antennae up and look for inconsistencies / oddities in his story.)
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #10  August 7,2009, 4:57pm
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Graceful585 wrote :
Hi,

I've been cooresponding and talking with a really nice man who lost his wife and youngest son unexpectedly in April of this year. He has another son who was with his mom and brother when this all happened so this has severly impacted and changed this young boys life forever as well as his dads.

I was very apprehensive about getting involved with him as their loss just happened only a few months ago. and I also have just ended a six year marriage and have been on my own for a year. So, you have quite a few different dynamics going on here.
My guess is you are both enduring your own separate pain...
We live 1400 miles apart and met on a Christian online website and we've been talking nightly on the phone for the past three weeks. He and his young son are grieving and in counseling as they work through the pain of their loss and struggles of dealing with their grief from this unexpected tradgedy. He wrote me and at first I was a bit standoffish as I felt it was way too soon for him to be thinking about dating again, but through emails, then chat and learning a bit more about him, I and he began to talk on the phone nightly. I have just tried to be a friend to listen, support and encourage him through this process. I don't think it would be good for either of us and especially for his son for anything more to happen between us, as I truly feel I would be interfering with the healing process that they both are going through and will be for some time.
I am wondering why he is spending this much time with you and not his other young son, unless these conversations are happening after his bedtime?
We have shared so much with each other in our conversations that we both really like what we see in the other....I'm just wondering if this is healthy at this time because our conversations are becoming more serious with regards to our shared feelings...I think that it's good we're miles apart right now.. so as to keep things purely platonic....I just don't want to be the rebound of what this tradegy has done to this family and I certainly don't want to be the cause of any additional pain.

Any thoughts would be most appreciated.
oh boy oh boy oh boy. I'm trying to see the benefit beyond the doubt but it's not happening. Ask yourself: what evidence do you have this man is the one you have seen on the newscasts? Has he posted a pic? Something that looks like it came from a family barbeque and not a newspaper photo?

Why is he spending all this time talking with you? After that type of loss I would imagine he would be in so much physical and emotional agony, just getting up in the morning and getting dressed would be torture.

You have the conversations with him and you have to weigh their value. If his story is true you are both extremely vulnerable, lonely, and at a loss right now and may be using each other as crutches. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. If you remotely suspect - a tiny prickle - that his story is false please break away before he manipulates you even more.

You need time to heal from your divorce. You are probably swapping stories which keeps your pain alive - don't you want to get through this and gain strength and confidence? It really doesn't matter if he is honest or not, what matters is you. If you find helping him a mechanism to heal yourself, maybe you should try volunteering. My advice would be to back off gently. He has a son, a therapist, and most likely family and friends. Why would he want to involve a stranger?

Think about this objectively and make your choice. Do what's best for you.
 
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