How to initiate a safe-sex conversation..?


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DreamingOfJustice is offline DreamingOfJustice Post #1  August 6,2009, 2:15pm
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Hello everyone,,,just a quick intro about myself,,

I am an HIV/Cancer educator,,and I have found these boards very enlightening indeed...

Question here: How do you handle asking about someone's HIV status? ...You're on the third or tenth or whatever date ,,,and things have been fantastic between the two of you,,,it's become clear that at some point soon you'll be intimate.

Do you simply dodge the issue entirely and hope for the best?

Do you buy condoms and hope your date is OK with that?

Do you take their word for their health status?

How do you broach this very sensitive topic and when?

Since this is a community with guidelines,,,I'll understand if this thread gets deleted...

{{Blessings}}
 
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BCgal is offline BCgal Post #2  August 6,2009, 2:53pm
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Thanks for raising this important issue. I'm a divorced woman & have been single since mid-90's while I raised kids & cared for both elderly parents till they passed. Choose to not date till launched my kids a couple years ago - I have been celibate all this time.
As a sex educator/nurse I have committed myself to wait until marriage & only consider a partner who has demonstrated the same commitment. I have encountered so many matches who think "bed hopping" is acceptable. But I've also cared for more people than I care to recall who have Herpes, or are HIV/ Hep C positive ..."& I only had a few partners in my life... really!!!".
I let dates know of my commitment to maintain myself pure for my future husband, & not bring disease or heartbreak into my future marriage. I figure that any man who will not wait til marriage can likely NOT be trusted to maintain himself after the "I do's" and he is away on business.
Life is too great to risk all the disease & heartache I've seen r/t promiscuity.
I'm now dating an eH match who has similar commitments & spiritual framings... .can I just mention - HE is SO worth the wait! The chemistry is amazing & he is talking marriage! No need for that "safe sex" conversation at all! No regrets for either of us!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  August 6,2009, 3:01pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Regarding HIV, I have to suspect, if someone had it and wasn't going to tell you without your asking....they probably aren't going to tell you even if you do ask. Cover your 'bases'.
 
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FengShuiBlackBelt is offline FengShuiBlackBelt Post #4  August 6,2009, 3:02pm
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This is something I'll never understand if I live to be 120.

If you're close enough to know that you'll soon be doing it, then you should be close enough to talk about it. Right?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  August 6,2009, 3:05pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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FengShuiBlackBelt wrote :
If you're close enough to know that you'll soon be doing it, then you should be close enough to talk about it. Right?
And thank God men never lie to women right before they're about to get into bed with them.
 
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FengShuiBlackBelt is offline FengShuiBlackBelt Post #6  August 6,2009, 3:13pm
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jayjay wrote :
And thank God men never lie to women right before they're about to get into bed with them.
So don't wait until five minutes before you're ready to hop into bed to have the discussion. Send his happy ass down to the clinic for an HIV test beforehand. This isn't rocket science, people.
 
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FengShuiBlackBelt is offline FengShuiBlackBelt Post #7  August 6,2009, 3:15pm
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jayjay wrote :
And thank God men never lie to women right before they're about to get into bed with them.
So don't wait until five minutes before you get ready to hop into bed to have the discussion. Go get an HIV test together. (Yes, both of you. It's only fair.)
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #8  August 6,2009, 3:45pm
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Do you simply dodge the issue entirely and hope for the best?

- Yes, that's the best course of action, we only live once, so who cares

Do you buy condoms and hope your date is OK with that?

- If you haven't had the conversation before you jump in the bed with him, yes a condom is a minimum, i wouldn't hope he's ok or not ok with it, he has to be ok with it, or else no go.

Do you take their word for their health status?

- hmmm... depending on how much you know about this person. This is a trust issue between individual couples, different for everyone. I've had partner who i trust about their sexual history and others who i had some doubt. You need to make that judgement.

How do you broach this very sensitive topic and when?

it's not a very sensitive topic to me, it's just part of open communication that i'd expect in a healthy relationship. If he's the right person for you, he shouldn't mind when such topic comes up and perhaps he's just as anxious as you are about your sexual health. When do you talk about? After 5 bottles of scotch
 
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saltndlight is offline saltndlight Post #9  August 6,2009, 3:46pm
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BCgal wrote :
I figure that any man who will not wait til marriage can likely NOT be trusted to maintain himself after the "I do's" and he is away on business.
BCgal you ROCK.I totatlly agree with you and let me tell you that i also made that decision.A man that waits for you until marriage is worth it,all the others will not bring joy or happiness to you!!the safe-sex best advice is to keep it inside marriage lol
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #10  August 6,2009, 3:55pm
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FengShuiBlackBelt wrote :
So don't wait until five minutes before you get ready to hop into bed to have the discussion. Go get an HIV test together. (Yes, both of you. It's only fair.)
I am so glad someone started this post. I was married for 15 years, divorced almost nine years ago and have only been with 1 person since my divorce (practiced safe sex but never talked about the test). I got tested shortly after my divorce.

I am not currently intimately involved with anyone now and while I can't say that I will wait until marriage to have sex with someone - I don't do casual sex. I have to be in a committed, monogomous relationship to even consider it. I have thought about how to approach the topic of getting tested - and going together to do it. I just don't know how to even start the conversation but I know that conversation has to happen. I am in my early 50's and I keep reading that "boomers" have some of the leading new cases of HIV/AIDS. The thought seems to be that "I have been in a committed relationship so I couldn't have AIDS." That's scary. I too would love some tips on how to approach this topic.
 
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