What do to when he isn't asking questions.


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elle918 is offline elle918 Post #1  August 6,2009, 6:17am
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Hi, I'm new to the eH boards, but have been on eH for 3 months. I tried to search this question, but had no luck finding a thread, though I'm sure one exists so a redirect would be appreciated too.

Basically I've been in OC with an interesting guy who shares a lot of the same values and interests as me for the last week, but (doesn't there always seem to be a but?) he is not asking questions about myself. And it's beginning to get annoying and I'm starting to resent him.

I know that this is a common problem and that women tend to compensate by asking questions hoping that he'll catch on and do the same. But then when he doesn't we get upset and blow up and the guy is left feeling like "gee what did I do?"

What is a sensitive and mature way to approach this problem?

In one communication the only two questions he asked were "What else should I know about you?" and "Tell me some random facts about yourself." So my response had a few random facts and I tried to address my frustrations with "What else would you like to know about me?" His next response had no questions in it at all... so I'm at a loss as to what to do at this point.

Sure I can respond to what he said with information about myself, but because of my annoyance, I'm tempted to not ask any questions either. Which is immature, but I feel like I've already asked "What else do you want to know about me?" with no response, so I don't know what else to say.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  August 6,2009, 6:51am
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It's funny ...there was a show not long ago "The art of attraction" - something like that, I wrote about it here - that showed a study of male/female interaction during a speed dating session. It was determined that women ask far more questions than men do. Their theory was because men are mostly visual by nature, if he is physically attractive to you, that's all he 'needs' to know. Women, on the other hand, have to ask questions and feign interest because the traits she is attracted to aren't always visible (status, wealth, personality, good provider, security, etc). *shrug* The most interesting conclusion of the study, however, was that men often over-evaluate their own attraction to the opposite sex. They'd interview the guy and he'd say "yeah we really hit it off", then they'd interview the girl and she'd say "meh". lol

My optimistic side says, it's only been a week. I'd give the guy a chance to loosen up and get comfortable with your conversations. He's probably still trying to decide if he wants to get to know you better.

My pessimistic side says, he's just not that interested - maybe he's only talking to you because he has no other matches right now.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #3  August 6,2009, 6:56am

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I had one guy that OC was really painful. It was just the facts man and only the facts. There was nothing that I could grab onto in his communication so I had nothing to respond to.

It was really difficult. I did what your guy did about the random thing. But I just made in fun and light.

I shared some fun and silly things about me. Just a bunch of random facts and interests that I have. And asked him to do the same - just a stream of stuff - no thinking involved.

He then came back with some silliness and interesting random stuff about him and it was much easier to find something that I could grab onto and ask about in the next communication. And off we went...

I would just respond with some random stuff - some fun quirks, some of your more sillier interests and things that you really like about yourself. Then see what happens.

Good luck!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  August 6,2009, 7:10am
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Uh, it is not just the guys that don't ask questions. I would say that most of my matches don't ask many questions of me and a good many will just ask the "tell me about yourself" question.

I don't do well on the open ended essay of telling about myself but I do real well at answering questions.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #5  August 6,2009, 7:17am
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If he can't take the hint after that many tries then i'd say there is nothing more you can do except end it. He's not a good match for you because talking to him is driving you nuts. Just let him know that inability to communicate was an issue and close him out.
The idea that you might give it a bit longer is all very well, but the whole point of the exercise was to see if you were a good fit for each other, and that question has been answered.
Last edited by gothustartus; August 6,2009 at 7:22am.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  August 6,2009, 7:23am
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It's funny that you brought this up. I recently had a phone conversation with a guy who kept on and on about himself. All of a sudden he stopped and in a very plaintive tone asked "Don't you have any questions for me? Don't you want to know anything about me?" .....lol.....my first thought was that he had talked so much about himself what else is there to ask? It's already information overload. The moral of this story is be sure that you are not doing this same thing as this guy did to me.

Perhaps in your e-mails you are already sharing enough about yourself that he has nothing much to ask you. It does not mean that you are sharing too much, but that you are sharing enough for him for the time being.

Also, those initial e-mails and trying to get a connection going can be very difficult. To be honest, if I've been doing the online thing for a bit I'll get really tired of the interview process and rather than ask questions about the person move on to random topics and general banter. That can actually be much more informative and fun that just asking questions. Ultimately, I prefer to keep the e-mail process brief and move on to meeting sooner rather than later.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #7  August 6,2009, 7:29am

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Oh, I would not close him over this. Just try something different.

With the guy I had trouble with, I just wrote that I was finding it difficult to respond to his emails so I thought we could play a game and just throw random facts about our self out there.

And it worked, in this particular instance. The guy became much more relaxed and chatty and his responses stopped being these two to three liners of just answering my questions with no questions of his own.

And greatguy - I am with you. I don't like the vague - so tell me about yourself type - questions. And I think the majority of my matches in OC, asked this vague question or something very similar.

Very annoying but I think sometimes people just have a hard time coming up with something to say. I would not kick them to the curb because of this since you have no idea, at this time, if they will always never have anything to say. Just a thought...
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  August 6,2009, 7:59am
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Very interesting study , results and analysis........... Why don't you just start telling him about yourself, rather than passively wait for him to ask questions.............. Some think being "nosey" or "interrogating " someone is rude. Others think it is polite and shows interest to ask questions. He did in fact ask you a couple very open ended questions, why don't you just elaborate?
BikerBeagle wrote :
It's funny ...there was a show not long ago "The art of attraction" - something like that, I wrote about it here - that showed a study of male/female interaction during a speed dating session. It was determined that women ask far more questions than men do. Their theory was because men are mostly visual by nature, if he is physically attractive to you, that's all he 'needs' to know. Women, on the other hand, have to ask questions and feign interest because the traits she is attracted to aren't always visible (status, wealth, personality, good provider, security, etc). *shrug* The most interesting conclusion of the study, however, was that men often over-evaluate their own attraction to the opposite sex. They'd interview the guy and he'd say "yeah we really hit it off", then they'd interview the girl and she'd say "meh". lol

My optimistic side says, it's only been a week. I'd give the guy a chance to loosen up and get comfortable with your conversations. He's probably still trying to decide if he wants to get to know you better.

My pessimistic side says, he's just not that interested - maybe he's only talking to you because he has no other matches right now.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #9  August 6,2009, 9:35am
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Eharmony does not allow as much room to provide a lot of initial information but on another dating site, I provided quite a lot about myself and my interests so then it would kind of irritate me when I would get the question "So, what do you do for fun?"
I would feel like saying "Gee, I guess I spent a whole lot of time on my profile for nothing......". But I would be polite, and try to answer the question anyway. *sigh*.
What I like is when someone picks up on something specific in my profile and then asks me to expand on it, such as, "you mentioned that you are a painter, what do you like to paint?" or "who are some of your favorite artists?"
Sometimes, I will tease a little and say, "oh, do you mean besides everything I already listed on my profile?"

If they aren't asking any questions, you can simply call them on it.

I did have an eharmony person that I could not get him to ask me anything. So I emailed him with "so, you you have any questions for me?" and his response was simply "no". Huh? Wasn't much I could do with that one.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  August 6,2009, 11:19am
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I would not spend anymore time and effort trying to get him to open up. Close the match and move on. Good luck
 
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