Woman: are you walling yourself off?


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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #11  August 3,2009, 8:02pm
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I see this kind of behavior from women all the time. I have friends who express their frustration over it. Basically, you'll see groups of 3, 4, or 5 women for a "girl's night out". They build a fortress around themselves as if they are the only people in the joint. They don't mingle nor really even attempt eye contact with anyone other than their waiter/waitress. It is almost as though they have agreed on a pact that it is girl's night out and no one is to break the circle and let outsiders in. To a certain degree I think it causes hard feelings for some of the group who don't get any attention from the guys. This is probably why they have their friendship pact to avoid outsiders.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #12  August 3,2009, 8:59pm
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jayjay wrote :
No...don't send her an email. That might come off as (and actually be) cowardly. The subtext of the email would be 'I want to talk to you and ask you out but I'm scared to do it in person".

Just do it. Good luck.
^^ What he said. Keep it simple and stress-less. Ask to meet her at a coffee house or an ice cream shop. (Hint: With tact, ice cream can be fun and flirty!).
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #13  August 3,2009, 9:02pm
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AustinShaguar wrote :
I see this kind of behavior from women all the time. I have friends who express their frustration over it. Basically, you'll see groups of 3, 4, or 5 women for a "girl's night out". They build a fortress around themselves as if they are the only people in the joint. They don't mingle nor really even attempt eye contact with anyone other than their waiter/waitress. It is almost as though they have agreed on a pact that it is girl's night out and no one is to break the circle and let outsiders in. To a certain degree I think it causes hard feelings for some of the group who don't get any attention from the guys. This is probably why they have their friendship pact to avoid outsiders.
I've seen that and know what you mean. I also think it's entirely fine for women to have times when they do 'wall themselves off' and don't want to be approached by men.
 
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JADS402 is offline JADS402 Post #14  August 3,2009, 9:50pm
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I third the no emails thing....
thats how I lost the first woman
I really really liked, and got the lets
be friends email...will always kinda
wonder what would have happened if I'd asked her in person.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #15  August 3,2009, 9:57pm

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JADS402 wrote :
I third the no emails thing....
thats how I lost the first woman
I really really liked, and got the lets
be friends email...will always kinda
wonder what would have happened if I'd asked her in person.
Ohhh, I just responded in your thread. I guess my advice was too late. Sorry to hear that!!

And for Mark, I like Shelly's idea too. I would go with that plan.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #16  August 3,2009, 10:22pm
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MarkInAustin wrote :
I've done that already. I'm just having trouble getting from the "Hi" stage to the "Do you want to go out with me?" stage.

At first I was thinking that she just wan't at all interested in me, but then I noticed that she wasn't really talking to *any* other guys. It seems like she might just be going through some hard times, but I don't really know.

I'd like to send her an E-mail, but I have *no* idea what to say.
Yes it is possible that she spends all of her time talking to the older guy because he is a non-threatening father figure and the younger guys make her uncomfortable, but as you say you really have no idea, it's possible she is actually attracted to him and is laying some foundations.

If trying to talk to her is so awkward have you considered talking to him? Tell him you're interested in her but don't know how to break the ice, he may be able to give you some tips or it may come up in their own conversations and break the ice for you.
Ok, "My mate really fancies you" is a bit 13ish but hey, at least it gets the idea out there.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #17  August 3,2009, 10:30pm

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sometimes, (you may have noticed my thread...) and I have before in a similiar situation when I was either deciding if I was going to move or if I knew I was going to move....and actually before that again when I knew I needed some time to recover, get better after a rough situation. That was actually a lot longer...well, I'd say I do that for a little while after every break up, but I'd say I was pretty walled off for a good portion of my mid-late 20s. The beginning part purposefully, the later part because I had gotten busy with my life. I was definitley not a hermit though, just focused on growth and learning and taking care of myself. Not really walled off in the sense that I literally would not talk to people!

I think it is odd to do so in a social situation. I wouldn't purposefully wall myself off in a social setting.... I don't think. I would maybe avoid social situations if I were really serious about being alone, but if I'm there I usually want to connect with people....despite the ramifications!

My guess is she feels comfortable with the older guy because she doesn't see him in the same way as other men. She might be painfully shy with men who are actual candidates for dating, and not even realize the signals she is putting out.
 
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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #18  August 3,2009, 11:10pm
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OMG Ask her out! The old guy is for comfort. She likes him but doesn't want to date him. If she did they would already be dating. For gosh sakes he is thirty years older than her, if he is single he would more than lifely be jumpin on that is she would let him the way they appear to get along.

He is the security blanket. He would probably like to be the boyfriend but he is not gonna be. Not unless she gets really drunk one night or so lonely and desperate she can't stand it anymore.

DO NOT under ANY circumstances confide in him that you like her and try to get him to "help" you. He will most likely agree to it and he may even help you get a date but he will consistently undermine you to her until he takes down your relationship. I have heard that a girl will be friends with a guy she is not attracted to but a man will rarely put the effort to do this and I believe this is the truth. A guy that sits around listening to you vent and tell your sobby stories likes you.

If you can get her alone ask her out. If she says no she is not interested either because she is not ready to date or cause she is not interested in you. But man up and take that walk towards her. I don't care what anybody says, it is human nature for the man to be the pursuer- pursue!

By the way I am female AND I have a close male friend I am aware that I have around for security (but I care deeply about) that I have no interest in dating for many reasons. But, my past experience with him is he would undermine other people wanting to date me and I understand why. So I just don't have him in that part of my life.
 
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angelofmercie is offline angelofmercie Post #19  August 3,2009, 11:10pm
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First I would ask some of the others in the group if they knew anything about her. Next I would wait until when she headed to the ladies room then ask this older guy if he knew of any reason she was not dating and tell him you are interested in her. From this data if everything is positive then ask her out. Good luck
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #20  August 4,2009, 12:37am
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mylifesabeach wrote :
DO NOT under ANY circumstances confide in him that you like her and try to get him to "help" you. He will most likely agree to it and he may even help you get a date but he will consistently undermine you to her until he takes down your relationship.
While i will agree that there are plenty of men out there who will do that it's a horrible indictment to automatically assume that every man will, i certainly wouldn't.
 
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