Advice needed in ending a newly budding/quickly decaying LDR


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aquasprite is offline aquasprite Post #1  August 3,2009, 2:58pm
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I've been married twice and this is really the first time in my adult life that I have been single. Divorce finalized in summer of 2007. I've had no problems getting dates, but have not been in a committed relationship since my divorce was finalized. I've gone through a large village of over 4000 matches since I've joined eH and am becoming disheartened and shaken. I have a great group of friends, an active social life and have less than a year left in school before earning my doctorate. Recently, I met a widower who lives about 4 hours away and we met for the first time in June. I had very high hopes from his profile and our first chats. He was married at around 21 and his wife died about 3 years ago. He has done an amazing complete remodel of his home this summer and a large part of our conversations center around that, which I greatly admire, but it feels a bit one sided.We had a great first weekend together. Two weeks later I visited him and we had a wonderful time. Five weeks later (this weekend) he came up to see me. In between visits, he will respond to emails and will call maybe once and I'll call him no more than once per week too. There is chemistry between us and (unfortunately) we had sex on the second visit. After getting back home from the second visit I called him to ask when we could get together again and he joked didn't I get enough of him and we'd play it by ear. Today as he was leaving my house and I was seeing him off, I asked when we would be able to see each other again and he replied let's just play it like last time and see how it goes. He commented again that he's not much of a planner. This doesn't sound like someone who is seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with me, does it? I'm ok to have fun with, but not prioritize. He was on eH for a few months and once his subscription was up he completely deleted his profile. He is not seeing anyone else. I don't see him as a player, but while he's respectful, he doesn't seem emotionally available or that into me. I really liked him after our second meeting and those bonding sex chemicals are soooo powerful....but after this weekend I'm feeling like this could be a toxic dynamic and I should either stop contacting him or send him a straightforward email that thanks him for his time but acknowledges that it doesn't seem we want the same things and wish him well and move on. A small thing but it bothered me nonetheless. I felt special when he referred to me as my lady on our second weekend visit and I referred to him as my dear a couple of times. This weekend one my lady for me and it was also said to the waitress on Sunday.

Please advise. Stop communication or send a email to communicate the cat and mouse game is over?
Last edited by aquasprite; August 3,2009 at 3:01pm. Reason: too long
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #2  August 3,2009, 3:31pm
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If I were you I'd move on to see other people. I wouldn't say good bye but I would no longer initiate any contact with him either. From his behavior towards you he seems to only want you as a booty call or a backup when he can't have sex with anyone else.

So if I were you I'd use him as a backup also, but not for sex, just to have a good, sexless time until he shows the kind of interest you want from him. If you don't think you can withhold sex while you are with him, then I suggest that you don't see him anymore and simply forget about him.

BTW, it is very easy to call someone one's lady, especially to a stranger, so I hope you don't fall for that in the future when other men say that.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #3  August 3,2009, 4:07pm
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EMTZ wrote :
If I were you I'd move on to see other people. I wouldn't say good bye but I would no longer initiate any contact with him either. From his behavior towards you he seems to only want you as a booty call or a backup when he can't have sex with anyone else.

So if I were you I'd use him as a backup also, but not for sex, just to have a good, sexless time until he shows the kind of interest you want from him. If you don't think you can withhold sex while you are with him, then I suggest that you don't see him anymore and simply forget about him.

BTW, it is very easy to call someone one's lady, especially to a stranger, so I hope you don't fall for that in the future when other men say that.
I agree with EMTZ. Don't call, email or text him. Just start looking around at what else there is out there. From reading the posts of the guys on these boards, there really are some good ones (they just don't live around me...) If he calls and wants to hook up, just tell him you would enjoy going out to dinner with him.

And that's it.

He'll either see you in a new light or he'll move on. Either way, you win.
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #4  August 3,2009, 4:25pm
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"This weekend one my lady for me and it was also said to the waitress on Sunday."

Hm. Sounds like it's time to take him off the speed dial, so to speak, and start dating other people.

Edited to add: I wouldn't end things with him, just bump him down in importance for yourself and not be as available as you have been - or as someone else here said, make the get-togethers dinner only.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  August 3,2009, 4:37pm
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I am going to somewhat agree with the others. He is not emotionally into you.

There are two things that you have done wrong if what you are seeking is a committed LTR. First was to date a widower, particularly one whose wife had only passed away 3 years ago. The second was bringing sex into the relationship so soon.

Just my $.02 with my standard disclaimer that I don't know anything about anything, particularly dating, sex or relationships.
 
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aquasprite is offline aquasprite Post #6  August 3,2009, 4:39pm
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Thanks to everyone for your responses! It's a true comfort to hear your comments of support and echo what I know to be true. I'm very disappointed as I had high hopes for him and he's so intriguing, confident and witty, but that only goes so far. Dinner only dates are much of an option since he lives over 4 hours drive away. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't hear from him again. The funny (refreshing) thing is that when I first laid eyes on him I was completely shocked by his appearance. He was very thin and a lot rougher than his photo. However, within 15 minutes there was no denying the chemistry given his sense of ease and wit. If nothing else, I've learned to place little emphasis on appearance and hopefully (finally) learn to go slow with physical aspects. Which is especially hard with LDR. Thanks for your encouragement. Let the search continue
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #7  August 3,2009, 4:51pm
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Out of curiosity, how many of those 4000 matches turned into first dates?
 
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aquasprite is offline aquasprite Post #8  August 3,2009, 4:53pm
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Everyone is different...but even that I had to initially trust he was ready for a LTR if he was on eH and 3 years to most would seem like an adequate time frame from what I've gathered. Yes, sex too soon was not my intention. I fought it off as long as I could...but I'm only human. Please wish me better fortitude next time.
 
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Jacquiem is offline Jacquiem Post #9  August 3,2009, 4:55pm
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I have a different take on the matter.

Why not just have a conversation with the man and discuss what he is looking for with you and tell him what kind of relationship you want, making it crystal clear that you are NOT in the market for a relationship of convenience on his terms? People can't read each other's minds. Unless he can read yours and he's just intentionally toying with you to drive you mad.

If the man says "Let's play it by ear," maybe he really isn't a planner and is Mr. Spontaneous. Or maybe he really is just playing you for a booty call, like another poster said. You'll never actually get to the bottom of it by guessing about it. You don't even have to ask him anything, actually, just make it plain that a booty call you are not. So since that's off the table, now what does he think of you, how does he feel about you, what does he want from and with you? These are legitimate questions to ask, whether you are a man or a woman, of someone you have been spending time with and who seems to enjoy spending time with you. And you decide what you want to do with whatever it is he says to that.

Now, let me give you some advice that may not seem to make any sense, but has helped me with the constant disappointment when things don't work out ----
Don't have high hopes that a relationship will develop with anyone you meet!

I know! Sounds insane, because the purpose of going through this dating thing, whether online or otherwise, is to meet someone you can spend a significant amount of time, and maybe your life, with. But if you keep having high hopes for everyone who seems like they have potential, when it doesn't work out, you'll be crushed anew. Every time. And that wears on you and wears you down.

So approach every new person as just an opportunity to meet someone new, and the highest your hopes should be are maybe we can enjoy each other's company - in a non-sexual way (not judging - I know it's hard to resist that temptation when the attraction is mutual and the opportunity presents itself, but waiting until you get to know who you're dealing with is worth the cold showers at the end of the night). If it builds from there, fabulous. If not, your hopes arent' repeatedly dashed on the rocks of the sea of disappointment.

I know, that was sappy.

This advice was given to me, by the way, by a few of my male friends who were tired of seeing me deeply disappointed and dejected every time a new one didn't work out for me.

I hope something I said helps, even if you don't agree with it. I do really hope you get some resolution that makes you happy.
 
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aquasprite is offline aquasprite Post #10  August 3,2009, 5:00pm
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Mr_Right wrote :
Out of curiosity, how many of those 4000 matches turned into first dates?
I'm guessing that I've had about 30 eH first dates in about 1.5 years and about a dozen others. Thoughts? eH matches seem to be dwindling though... I used to reliable receive 7 / day...lately it seems like 2 or 3.
 
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