Can't Seem to Attract


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rawradisaurous is offline rawradisaurous Post #1  August 3,2009, 10:29am
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I got divorced a year ago and I am finally trying to give the dating thing a chance. I married very young and never really had to learn how to flirt or snag a guy or anything. I have had interests in a few people, mostly a couple of co-workers (i have alot in common with the people i work with and we all have similar goals and are in the same age group). But anyways, I get nothing but rejection. The guys that I do get, are guys that I am completely not interested in. I seem to attract the opposite of what I am looking for. I go on these dates mostly just for experience, but I don't understand why I attract these kind of guys. They're not horrible, they're just not what I am looking for. I don't know what I am doing wrong here. The ones I want, don't want me and the ones I don't want, do want me. Maybe I'm horrible at flirting? I try not to be overly flirtatious because I guess that I just don't really know how to do it and...well, now I'm pretty scared of rejection too.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  August 3,2009, 11:09am
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I don't mean to be flippant here but join the club. You are not doing anything wrong, it's just the nature of dating. That's why when you do meet someone and you both click and the attraction is mutual it's such an amazing and wonderful thing that you really do feel like you are on cloud nine.
 
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angelofmercie is offline angelofmercie Post #3  August 3,2009, 11:09am
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There are several good articles on the advice boards dealing with flirting that it sounds like you could use. As to getting matches with the wrong type of guys this is something the girls should address. It could be that something in your profile is attracting the wrong ones. Good luck
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  August 3,2009, 11:36am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Yes...welcome to the 'club'. I think what you're experiencing is pretty common.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #5  August 3,2009, 11:45am
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If you attract guys you really don't want, then you're rejecting them, they are not rejecting you. And you are afraid of rejection, right?....... Lack of flirting skills is probably not the issue , since you did "snag" your husband. So your are able to get dates but they do not interest you...... It seems the real question is finding someone who interests you. That takes time, and you have met ones that do interest you. They are unavailable?...... Are you really ready to date? The ones who want you, you reject, the unavailable (uninterested ones) you like??..
rawradisaurous wrote :
I got divorced a year ago and I am finally trying to give the dating thing a chance. I married very young and never really had to learn how to flirt or snag a guy or anything. I have had interests in a few people, mostly a couple of co-workers (i have a lot in common with the people i work with and we all have similar goals and are in the same age group). But anyway, I get nothing but rejection. The guys that I do get, are guys that I am completely not interested in. I seem to attract the opposite of what I am looking for. I go on these dates mostly just for experience, but I don't understand why I attract these kind of guys. They're not horrible, they're just not what I am looking for. I don't know what I am doing wrong here. The ones I want, don't want me and the ones I don't want, do want me. Maybe I'm horrible at flirting? I try not to be overly flirtatious because I guess that I just don't really know how to do it and...well, now I'm pretty scared of rejection too.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #6  August 3,2009, 11:47am
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Well you have come to the right place if your goal is to seek advice, and as others have pointed we all have been (or in my case am still in) the same boat. Trying to meet people is tough and it does seem as the people I am interested in are not interested in me and those who are interested in me I am not interested in them.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #7  August 3,2009, 11:56am
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rawradisaurous wrote :
I got divorced a year ago and I am finally trying to give the dating thing a chance. I married very young and never really had to learn how to flirt or snag a guy or anything. I have had interests in a few people, mostly a couple of co-workers (i have alot in common with the people i work with and we all have similar goals and are in the same age group). But anyways, I get nothing but rejection. The guys that I do get, are guys that I am completely not interested in. I seem to attract the opposite of what I am looking for. I go on these dates mostly just for experience, but I don't understand why I attract these kind of guys. They're not horrible, they're just not what I am looking for. I don't know what I am doing wrong here. The ones I want, don't want me and the ones I don't want, do want me. Maybe I'm horrible at flirting? I try not to be overly flirtatious because I guess that I just don't really know how to do it and...well, now I'm pretty scared of rejection too.
I hate to disappoint you, but this is a pretty common thing, and from what has been written before me, we're all pretty much there. I don't think it's anything you're doing. However, a part of dating is the risk of rejection. Not being willing to take that risk can mean being alone. Just remember that rejection only means that particular person doesn't think that the two of you together would make a good match. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person or that you aren't worthy of getting what you want.

Best of luck to you!
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #8  August 3,2009, 3:19pm
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We are all scared of rejection. Your problem isn't how you flirt it's how you feel about yourself. People get your vibe much more than they get anything you say or do. You've got to be able to see yourself with the people you are attracted to, and be able to kindly say no to the people you are not. It's a fact of life that we will often get approached by people we are not attracted to on any level, don't get offended just learn to give a polite brush off so they know you are not interested without feeling hurt by it.

Practise visualising yourself out on dates with men you do feel attracted to. Practise that thought until it's really comfortable within you, then you'll get a different response from them. We all know what it's like to be caught in the aura of someone who can't even see us because we are invisible, not fun. But you can change it.

I always dated men I didn't find physically attractive but they were the ones who were calling so I went there. Once I changed my viewpoint to seeing myself with more attractive mates I then started to get approached by them too. I just wasn't on their radar before. I'm sure the same is true with you too.
 
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EMTZ is offline EMTZ Post #9  August 3,2009, 4:01pm
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Do you know the common attributes of those men that you find attractive? If so, do you possess those attributes? Because if not, then they may not be attracted to you because they may want the same in their partner.

Also, have you ever asked those who are attracted to you why they are attracted to you?

I think knowing the answers to those questions will be useful in understanding why you don't attract the type of men you want. Also, if you have male friends whom you would want to date if they were otherwise available, ask them what kind of women they are attracted to and see if you possess those things that they want.

I'm not recommending that you change yourself just to be able to attract those men you find attractive, but some attributes that some people find attractive are just good attributes for anyone to have, regardless of whether or not s/he is trying to find a date. So if one can improve one's self for the sake of self improvement, not just for dating, why not do that, especially with respect to personality?
 
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rawradisaurous is offline rawradisaurous Post #10  August 5,2009, 9:25am
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Well, I got so many responses I will try to summarize my responses as best as possible...

I realize that I am in the same boat as many of you and that this is all a part of dating. The question lies in that I am new to all of this "dating stuff" and I don't even know how to show interest in the ones I am interested in. The first guy I was interested in a few months ago, I had friends help me get him to hang out with us. We spent the entire time talking but he immediately realized what was going on and told a mutual friend that he was "seeing" another girl (we know it's not true because he constantly complains about wanting a girlfriend and not having one). The second one, well, I talked to him myself. Flirted with him, asked him if he was single. Unfortunately, I think I told a person too many about my interest in him. We work together and he has never been known to have a girlfriend...so as soon as people found out I had interest, many people, people I had not even spoken to, approached him and urged him to ask me out. So, he stopped returning my calls and I heard through the grapevine that he didn't want to get involved because everyone at work would know everything. So I take that one as a valuable lesson learned...that I really need to keep my mouth shut.

So I learned a few things with those two. Since then, I feel that my confidence is alot better. I think I'm great but I don't understand why guys don't see it it too. I'm usually pretty quiet and I think guys view me as the "shy and innocent girl" and I am far from being that in reality. I just want to learn how to not make these stupid mistakes anymore. And I want to learn the "right way" to show interest....without scaring them off....my tactics have been rather juvenile I think, since I haven't dated since high school.

The last couple of guys that I did date (the ones I didn't like but dated anyway) said that they liked me because I was sweet, attractive, independent and responsible. They also said that they thought I was quiet and innocent until they got to know me. So...what do the other guys see?
 
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