aimless was the last straw...


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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #1  August 1,2009, 10:26pm

has only threatened to give up

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I've been thinking about posting on this situation for awhile....I'm not sure where or how to start. Do I need advice? Well, I am curious what others think, but not unsure of how I feel....maybe not sure how I should handle the situation and unsure of how much more open minded I should be in this situaiton.

Most of all, right now, I am having the hardest time trying to figure out a way to make this concise. I'm wordy anyway and there is so much going on with this guy I don't know how to put it into a post.

Basically, he was questionable on paper, okay at writing and texting (a bit flowery and eccentric for me, but nice and interested-ing) he was worse on the phone...

I knew he had a chronic illness from reading on the internet about why he is no longer the lead singer of a band that almost made it big til he got really sick (though he has yet to tell me that). I knew he was probably stretching the truth (that was 5 years ago or more, not five months ago). I suspected he was living at home at 33 (he is) I also wasn't totally suprised his income was not actually 25,000 a year, but $0. His profile stated he was a low paid charity worker, which I found somewhat charming considering I knew he is in a transitionary part of life after leaving the band and stays in the hospital... I could see and put all that together based on what he wrote and what I read online....he seemed like just a really cute, sensitive, spiritutual, creative, smart....if not somewhat eccentric guy who seems to think he is British... I could probably get past that.....and probably the health thing too, I was willing to learn more about what was going on with that. Some people live with the disease very successfully, some don't. I knew he had had operations and he seemed to be in remission and doing well, or maybe even total recovery. I figured that would be the major issue in a relationship with him.

I had to do a lot of "work" on the phone....when he started to explain his "job" which is no more, and why....and that he is going to finally finish his bachelors degree by working on classes at a distance. I stayed tuned and supportive listening to how and why he is living with the parents (though he has never mentioned his illness... I think he should, it would make things a lot more understandable to most women, and he would not say things like "seems like most girls expect me to be pulling in 6 figures already").

I tried to be supportive and lighten the mood, change the subject by asking "well, yeah that is life, but what do you WANT to do" (thinking, surely, after all this life experience with not finishing school, being sick and amassing huge medical bills which I knew about also from the internets as their were benefit concerts for him, working with disaster stricken families with the salvation army, and losing his dreams of rock star world domination he would have some ideas and direction a few years later on). He totally stumbled...."um...well.....I don't really know. I'm a good writer.....maybe writing childrens novels....or....be a journalist....or maybe a professor but not at a lame community college or something"

you know...at this point I'm trying to really hold it together and be understanding. At that point I'm a little like "huh?" is this guy for REAL!? He is going on about passions and doing what you love, etc. I am quick to say something along the lines of...well, yeah, but sometimes you just gotta do something... I don't neccessarily love what I do, but I had to do something. We kept talking and I was really trying to stay upbeat and supportive etc....and didn't lose interest. I do have a heck of a lot of unaswered questions about this person who still really wants to meet me and is waiting for me to text him back at the moment. I was away and just came home and we are supposed to meet up at some point.

I could deal with everything else....the illness, the lack of mentioning the illness, the inconsistencies in his profile about some timeline information, somewhat, but the lack of planning and direction put together with everything else is hard for me to understand.....I have little patience for someone who puts passion above the realities of life. And what would he expect from me? He also stated he wants to have kids and get married.....really? when? He also added he loves strong independent women....

I like the guy, I have not written him off. Though I see him more likely to be a friend and can't really take him seriously now... I mean, is he serious? Can he expect (and especially without being really honest about his hospital stays or whatever else, if that is the reason) that women are going to be interested in a guy that is not only unemployed and living at home....is completley unrealistic about the future and has no plan whatsoever and has had years to finish school but still has not?

I don't mean to make a spectacle of someone I don't even know....but I have to say, I was hoping the phone call would clear some things up for me... it did the opposite.

So, would you still meet him? give him a chance? suggest being friends first? end it before anyone gets hurt?

Im pretty sure I know the answer, for me, but am curious to hear what people have to say.

I've left a lot of info out here....I've tried to write this like 10 times and keep giving up. I think he is a nice person and don't mean to demean his character, and I know he has had some challenges not everyone has. I just don't understand the lack of direction. Should this guy even be dating?

personally speaking...I've had my ups and downs too, and needed help from family once or twice or thrice too, but my family does not sound as generous as his so it is also hard for me to understand why or how a person could still be entertaining such frivilous thoughts about career at his age, as it would not be tolerated by my parents. They would probably just kick me out of their house......also, I'm starting to really thrive in my career and just got a raise and have interviews at other companies too......the thought of going back to life at 22 is terrifying to me, I was just starting to enjoy my successes.....this guy would be homeless without his parents and it doesn't seem to be a reality to him. Unless there is some huge thing I dont yet understand or know about him, he certainly didn't explain it.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  August 1,2009, 10:50pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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I can understand your desire to be compassionate towards this man, and in your shoes, I think I'd probably be struggling with some of the same issues here. However, looking at this objectively, there are two things that stand out to me in your post: his lack of drive and his view of reality.

First, his lack of drive. I do not know what disease he has, and really, it isn't any of my business, but I suspect it probably has a lot to do with his lack of drive. He probably figured that he was well on the way to the success that he had been striving for when all of a sudden, life pulled the rug out from under his feet. However, if it's been years, he should know by now what he can and cannot do, and he really needs to give up on the dream and get it together. He can't expect that others are always going to provide for him, and he needs to take definitive steps to demonstrate that he is going to make something of his life. It kind of sounds to me like he's given up, and that part worries me, especially if his disease is in remission or if he's even possibly totally recovered. This sends up a big red flag for me.

His view of reality really bothers me, as well. He's not being honest about himself or his situation, and that always sends up a red flag for me. It could be that he's ashamed that he's not where he wanted to be in life, but if he can deal with telling bits and pieces of the truth, then I guess I don't understand why he is unable to be honest about everything. That would worry me, because I would always be wondering if he was telling me the complete truth down the line.

So...should you meet him? I might be tempted to meet him out of curiosity at this point, but I wouldn't actually go through with it. I think he has a great deal that he has to work out in his life, and while he might be a wonderful man with a great deal of potential down the line, right now I think he really needs to get his life on track. His problems will become your problems, and while you know some of his issues, I'm not so sure that you know all of them. In your situation, I'd probably ask myself if I could accept this guy, just as he is, right now, because the reality is that he may never aspire to be anything more than he is right now. Based on what I've seen in your posts on the boards, I'm thinking you desire more. I'd end it now before either of you ends up getting hurt.

You are successful and smart, and you've worked hard to get to where you are. You deserve to be with someone who has that same drive and that same desire to be equally as successful! And I wish you the best of luck in finding that very man.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  August 1,2009, 10:59pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Hey, my dear Male Brain,
We've been out of touch for a while, haven't we?

Well, I'm going to go against you Male Brain tendencies with my Female Brain traits and say you should do something different for a change - stop thinking and start feeling, just for a little while. It's not that difficult, I promise . And I'll be here if you need me .

Do whatever it is that you REALLY WANT with all your heart and all your soul. This is the only way you will never end up regretting your decision, even on a remote posibility that it does not work out the way you want it.

If you want to see him give, him a hug, and just spend some time together as 2 individuals, do so. If not, then don't.

These boards are full of objective advice for every peronal life scenario imaginable - some of it is good, some not so good. But most of it does not apply to us individually.

The objective advice here can be very useful to take into consideration when we temporarily lose our way, but not when we are steady on our feet and know exactly where we are going. And you don't sound "lost" to me at all. You sound like someone who knows exactly what she wants in life, even though sometimes even your powerful male brain makes a few mistakes along the way of getting what it is that you want.

Every person and every relationship is different. Judging someone by where they live or how much they earn at the present moment is not up to any of us. It's simply not in our job description. We only need to decide if each of us, subjectively, can live with the circumstances of our choice. You don't sound like someone who cannot live with this guy's circumstances.

If my own life played out a little differently and I had a little less luck in the process, I could be homeless as little as a year ago, and I'm pretty well estabished in my career and do not suffer from any serious illnesses (as far as I know ). But subjective considerations can, and often do, overweigh all kinds of objective deliberations. Which is why we can never evaluate an individual, based on objective facts without placing them in a subjective context of their personality, thought processes, feelings and emotions (annoying pshychologist stuff, again ).

I'll say this one more time because I really believe this to be the right way to go -
Base your actions in this situation on what you feel is right for you. Do what you REALLY WANT, not what objective facts tell you to do.

If you want to close the book, close it.
Or, if you want to open it and find the right page to see the real beauty of the written word and the message it's trying to convey, then do that, but only because you REALLY WANT TO "GET" IT.

And Good Luck, of course! Whatever you decide to do.
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #4  August 1,2009, 11:46pm

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brneyedangel.....yeah, I think you sum it up pretty well. You get it.

IceCreamMoon....yeah, I know how I feel for the most part....its not set in concrete at this point. A little up in the air. I'm sure I could handle the situation on my own without posting for advice, and of course I have my filter and know when to ignore certain "advice" you must know by now I can't not share a somewhat controversial topic that is playing out in my own life and could divide the eha community at my own peril. I had to share....lol.

Truly, I've lost interest in the guy as a romantic interest. I do feel a responsibility to handle the situation in a kind and mature manner. I'm not totally sure how to do that in this situation....say thanks but no thanks? meet for coffee and be friends and leave the door open to later on? I do feel like maybe I'm missing some of the picture here but brneyedangle could be right that perhaps Im just not seeing it objectivley yet....my compassion could be overriding my normal reaction to just "act how I feel"

I'd almost think he was a scammer he has activiated the compassion part of my male brain so well, but there is just too much info to be found on the internets for it to be so.

Lets just say.....I've decided I don't want to meet or be friends at all, what do I say?

I was thinking something along the lines of.... I just don't think it would work out for us, would suffice but I'm not sure.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  August 1,2009, 11:49pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Just my 2 cents.....way too much investment in time, energy and emotion for someone (if I understand correctly) that you haven't met in person yet. The possiblities, connotations and conundrums are probably endless. As you seem to have more than a passing interest in him I'd go ahead and meet very soon...and then see where things stand after that. You know myself and others here care about you very much....so all our best wishes go out to you!
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  August 2,2009, 1:24am
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is thinking about someone special

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It sounds like too many of the things you mentioned are dealbreakers to you, in which case the choice is a pretty easy one. I'm all for being as considerate as possible to people suffering the slings and arrows, but if it puts you in a place where you really don't want to be, and know you don't want to be, then consideration has to take a back seat to pragmatism.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  August 2,2009, 6:08am
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In my view, there is just about never a situation in which a person “should not” be dating. Not good enough for you or me is a reflection on us, and not on them. Everyone is good enough for somebody – perhaps not many somebodies, but somebody nonetheless.
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #8  August 2,2009, 6:32am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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[quote=D_Lion;695935]In my view, there is just about never a situation in which a person “should not” be dating. Not good enough for you or me is a reflection on us, and not on them. Everyone is good enough for somebody – perhaps not many somebodies, but somebody nonetheless.
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  August 2,2009, 6:52am
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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I was looking for this post, because you alluded to it a couple times earlier. That's why I even bothered reading its entire length!

It doesn't sound like he's right for you. I wouldn't bother, even for the sake of curiosity.

Reading it, though, I had to wonder if he smokes marijuana? That may explain a lack of initiative. (just my own little curiosity)

Good Luck, whatever you decide.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  August 2,2009, 6:58am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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j0hn8andy wrote :
Reading it, though, I had to wonder if he smokes marijuana? That may explain a lack of initiative. (just my own little curiosity)
Would that be more like smoking weed, or scrubbing pot, or mowing grass (just my own little curiosity)?

Good Luck, whatever you decide.
 
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