I agree with you, on many levels

But having been trained in cognitive behavioral psychology - a science I greatly admire and strongly believe in - I view cheating as a symptom not a cause.

Most people in happy relationships do not go out and cheat on their partner just for the heck of it. Just like healthy people do not overeat to the point of purging 5 minutes later.

Both are unhealthy coping mechanisms. The cause is the main problem. And in most cases, by identifying and treating the cause, the resulted behavior is cured automatically.

This is not the case with addictions, eating disorders, etc, where both the cause and the symptom need to be treated, and the environment is also a concern. But nothing will ever be corrected if the cause is not identified or addressed. You can treat the behavior alone, but then another unhealthy coping mechanism will evolve for the purposes of dealing with the cause - it's a vicious cycle.

In cases of most relationships and cheating, unless there is a sex addiction involved (which is rare), I firmly believe that people, regardless of gender, cheat for one reason and one reason only - they are dissatisfied (on some level of personal needs) within the framework of their existing relationship. So, they try to satisfy their needs outside of their relationship. In most cases the needs are emotional (although sometimes they are also sexual or even intellectual).

But in our society today, intellectua needs are admired, sexual needs are acknowedged and even greatly exploited, but emotional needs are viewed as either personality weaknesses or even hysterical psychological disorders, which is a great shame and an even greater injustice to humanity.

In my opinion, most cheaters are motivated by a desire (sometimes conscious but in most cases subconscious) to get closer to another human being of the opposite sex (if heterosexual) by talking, flirting, having sex, etc.

The result is usually an overwhelming feeling of guilt brought into the already existing serious problems within that relationship, and so the cycle continues, and gets even worse. Unless and until someone is smart enough and brave enough to break that cycle and start talking instead of causing unlimited pain to oneself and the other.

Cheating is rarely the fault of only one partner, even if he/she is the only one who committed the indiscretion. It takes two to tango, form or destroy a relationship, in my personal view. Identifying the cause of cheating and dealing with it, is the only way to go, as far as I can see. Sometimes the two individuals involved can achieve that on their own, at other times expert counseling is required - a lot depends on the depth of the problem, as well as the two personalities involved.

I firmly believe that when both parties are committed to identifying and curing the cause of the cheating behavioral symptoms, the relationship can survive, IF that's what both of them want and are prepared to do the hard work. Life is certainly not a fairy tale, nothing is done by waiving a magic wand. It is all about hard work.

But this is the only way to move on and resolve the real problem, and also the only way to purchace an insurance policy against the same problem re-occuring in the future. Both partners need to learn new coping mechanisms if similar probems, which caused the original problem, arise in the future. Agreements need to be made and adhered to in order to re-develop trust. No relationship can ever survive without that little 5-letter word, regarless of looks, attraction, money, status, power, etc.

People, who are prepared to do the required hard work to identify causes and implement the required changes, learn from their mistakes and avoid making similar mistakes in the future, CAN and DO CHANGE.

Which is why I will never believe in "once a cheater (or whatever) always a cheater (or whatever)". This is only the case for the lazy and ignorant. Most of us are not. We WANT to be happy in our lives and are prepared to do the work to get there. But we lack the skills to identify the real cause(s) of our problems, which is why we are all here in the first place, or most of us, I believe - we are looking to find those causes, anywhere and eveywhere we can think of.

Hopefully, some of us can achieve this desirable outcome here.