What Deserves a Second Chance?

What Deserves a Second Chance?

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What Deserves a Second Chance?


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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #11  August 1,2009, 7:26am
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Unfortunately some people can and do whatever they can get away with...... it's just their personality. They feel entitled to whatever they want and typically disregard commitments to others because some fun and games came along that they "couldn't" pass up. These are the serial cheaters

The comment you make applies to some peoples' thinking, that is, they are unhappy in the relationship and find what is missing elsewhere. These are not the serial cheaters, they are situational.

The best indicator is someone who blows off responsibilities and promises lightly, they tend to be interested in their own pleasure / adventure above all.
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IcecreamMoon wrote :

Most people in happy relationships do not go out and cheat on their partner just for the heck of it. Just like healthy people do not overeat to the point of purging 5 minutes later.
 
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Snick8699 is offline Snick8699 Post #12  August 1,2009, 7:43am
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I admit to cheating on my ex-husband once because something was lacking inside me and within our relationship. The dynamics of our marriage remained unchanged, I however, had changed. He never knew I cheated and I'm grateful for that. Not because I feel I got away with it, but because I didn't want him to be hurt.

Would I cheat again if I was in a committed, monogamous relationship? No. What's the difference? I have learned to be more communicative to my needs and problems in the relationship. I was miserable and unhappy with my ex and felt I couldn't tell him so I branched out instead of trying to fix things.

While I do believe in some cases a cheater will always be a cheat, sometimes it's the circumstances surrounding it that you need to consider. In your case, your boyfriend cheated with your friend and continued to even though I'm sure you all spent a great deal of time together. That takes someone pretty cold and unfeeling. In my opinion, he's feeling lonely right now which is why he wants back in the fold. And based on your reaction to his cheating and breaking up with you the first time, you were very smart not to fall for him again. Even if he has changed, you will always hold back and never trust him and that is not a healthy relationship.

P.S. don't blame yourself for his and your so called friend's actions. They willingly did this knowing the hurt they would cause. It could have been handled differently.
 
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Marlo5678 is offline Marlo5678 Post #13  August 1,2009, 2:54pm
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I think Maya Angelo says something relevant here: Don't believe what a man says--believe what he does --paraphrased. Not easy to move on but you have so don't go back. You are probably thinking about all the good you have missed and have forgotten in a real sense the pain and betrayal. To use another "pop" psych phrase (Dr Phil) Sometimes we don't want to throw out the old torn couch even though the stuffing is coming out because if you do , you could be standing and that isn't so comfortable. You got rid of that couch--don't drag it back from the curb. Best of luck
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #14  August 2,2009, 1:39am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Which is why I will never believe in "once a cheater (or whatever) always a cheater (or whatever)". This is only the case for the lazy and ignorant. Most of us are not. We WANT to be happy in our lives and are prepared to do the work to get there. But we lack the skills to identify the real cause(s) of our problems, which is why we are all here in the first place, or most of us, I believe - we are looking to find those causes, anywhere and eveywhere we can think of.

Hopefully, some of us can achieve this desirable outcome here.
I was assuming a terrible mistake rather than an inability to be faithful or recognize emotional causality.
I've known guys who will cheat at the drop of a hat "because it's there" and i can't say i ever understood them. They usually have fantastic wives or girlfriends sitting at home and it amazes me that they wouldn't want to be going home to her.
Yes, you're spot on about dissatisfaction, for a lot of guys once they have a partner at home all challenge has gone out of the relationship, they no longer have the thrill of the chase and so communication goes out the window and they go looking for something new to occupy them.
I can't say i really understand that, once you have her that doesn't mean you stop dating her. Once you've crossed the finishing line that doesn't mean you should go looking for another race, just keep running those laps!!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #15  August 2,2009, 2:39am
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gothustartus wrote :
I was assuming a terrible mistake rather than an inability to be faithful or recognize emotional causality.
I've known guys who will cheat at the drop of a hat "because it's there" and i can't say i ever understood them. They usually have fantastic wives or girlfriends sitting at home and it amazes me that they wouldn't want to be going home to her.
Yes, you're spot on about dissatisfaction, for a lot of guys once they have a partner at home all challenge has gone out of the relationship, they no longer have the thrill of the chase and so communication goes out the window and they go looking for something new to occupy them.
I can't say i really understand that, once you have her that doesn't mean you stop dating her. Once you've crossed the finishing line that doesn't mean you should go looking for another race, just keep running those laps!!
Well, as long as we agree on the important "stuff"...

But seriously -
The temptation is always going to be there, for all of us. But not all of us will cheat.

Of those who do/have/will cheat, a vast majority do so because they are not satisfied within their existing relationship (for whatever reason).

The remaining minority also must cheat for a reason - I don't buy the "because it's there" reason here (I did like it in the other thread though, because it was convenient ). Surely, there has to be a reason why they choose to act on impulse - consciously or subconsciouly so. It varies from one individual to another, of course. But still, there has to be a cause behind the behavior, or a reason behind the action.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #16  August 2,2009, 5:56am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Surely, there has to be a reason why they choose to act on impulse - consciously or subconsciouly so. It varies from one individual to another, of course. But still, there has to be a cause behind the behavior, or a reason behind the action.
Damn, my reply seems to have gone to moderator land, but the gist of it was that sometimes idiots really are just idiots and no further analysis is required. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and lays eggs, chances are it isn't a pony.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #17  August 2,2009, 6:05am
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gothustartus wrote :
Damn, my reply seems to have gone to moderator land, but the gist of it was that sometimes idiots really are just idiots and no further analysis is required. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and lays eggs, chances are it isn't a pony.
True. Maybe some people cheat because they're under severe pressure of some sort in the relationship. And some cheat because they have no self-control. But some cheat just because they want what they want and they don't care who they hurt. Then there are those of us remain faithful no matter what. For us, it's just not an option.

Sure, there is a reason for every action including cheating, but for many, its nothing more than "because I want to".
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #18  August 2,2009, 6:15am
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gothustartus wrote :
Damn, my reply seems to have gone to moderator land, but the gist of it was that sometimes idiots really are just idiots and no further analysis is required. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and lays eggs, chances are it isn't a pony.
Are you saying that being an idiot is not a valid cause/reason for acting like an idiot, or exhibiting symptomatic behaviors of clinically diagnosed idiocy? And how do you define an idiot?

P.S. Zoos are not my favorite places to visit.
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #19  August 2,2009, 6:22am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :

My opinion of cheaters is once a cheater always a cheater. If that helps.
Me too.

(I wish they all wore signs.)
 
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SierraMountainAir is offline SierraMountainAir Post #20  August 2,2009, 6:24am
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IcecreamMoon wrote :
Are you saying that being an idiot is not a valid cause/reason for acting like an idiot, or exhibiting symptomatic behaviors of clinically diagnosed idiocy? And how do you define an idiot?


By some chance are you a psychiatrist?

They talk like that.
 
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