Help please! Why would he blow this out of proportion & ignore me? PIaying games or just indecisive?


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Elaine_Harmony is offline Elaine_Harmony Post #1  July 26,2009, 6:19pm
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I met this nice guy on eH.

When Things Were Going Well:

He contacted me & after OC he sent me emails saying you are so cute, etc we got to know each other through constant communication for a few weeks over the phone, YM, etc. I went to meet him & it went really well. When I got home from visiting him we still talked but less frequently. At one point his phone died but he texted me from his new phone to make sure my number was in there correctly. We talked a couple of times a week.

When Things Started Going Bad:

I didn't hear from him for a week & so I emailed him, see bottom of post, asking him if it bothered him if I called or texted him. My thought was maybe he was thinking he wanted me to initate some calls & show some interests since he had initiated most calls in the past. 3 days later I texted him asking if he minded if I called him that day. Well I don't know why but he didn't answer or call me.

When Things Got Ugly:

Maybe I overreacted but the next day I sent him an email saying I was glad that I met him but that it would have been ok for him to let me know if he was not interested because I didn't want to waste his time. (Honestly I thought he 'poofed' so I wanted closure) I also closed him out as a match on eH & listed chemistry because I thought that was what he thought. Well I guess he didn't get the email, see bottom of post, (or so he said) because he texted me that night saying 'hey'. I texted him back asking if he was mad & explained what I did. When he read the email he got really mad & told me to leave him alone for now. He told me I was jumping to conclusions & that he was not looking for that kind of 'garbage.' Feeling bad I felt like I should have apologized & I should have atleast called him if that's how I felt.

Me Trying To Apologize:

I texted him a few times saying I was sorry. I left one vmail the next day saying I was sorry. Over the next few days I texted him a couple of texts saying I was sorry but wanted to talk. Today, almost a week later, I texted him saying I would call him after work to apologize but if he didn't want me to (because I don't want to be a stalker) he could say the word through a text, email, or message & I wouldn't call him if he didn't want me to. Well he didn't leave me any communication saying not to call. So after work I called but just got his vmail. This time I decided to leave the ball in his court by just saying hi hope you had a good weekend...call me if you want to talk.

My Questions for Anyone Who Wants to Answer:

Don't you think he blew this whole thing out of proportion? If you hadn't heard from someone in a week & they didn't answer your texts or emails wouldn't you think they weren't into you? Why would he be mad if I assumed this, I mean my email was non-threatening & I just wanted to know either way? If they didn't want to talk to you why would they see if you were getting their text when they had to replace their phone? How could he have a smart phone & not get my email, but text me 'hey' later that day? Do you think he's totally playing games w/me or do you think he's just indecisive? I know a lot of guys complain about girls being indecisive or playing games but why would a guy play games with a girl who is completely open & honest? If he didn't want me to contact him & I gave him an easy out (his dying phone, the email I sent & the text I sent saying let me know if you don't want me to call & I won't call) why would he just ignore me & not just send a quick text saying 'don't call'? Do you think he's just really super mad? Why would he listen to my vmails & read my texts & just not be like hey leave me alone? Seriously I really felt bad at first but now he is really making me question why would I even make so much effort? Really I would love to hear anyone's answer but LOL I guess I really need a guys perspective? Do you think he's gonna be like 'hey' in the next few days like nothing happened?

PS:

I really feel like I need to know so I don't have this issue again on eH!!! Just for some background he's divorced & I'm the first one he's seen since then so I don't know if that has something to do with this...

The Emails I Sent:

The 'Goodbye Email'
I am writing you this to officially say goodbye. I am really glad I had a chance to meet you but I know that you don't think we're a good match. Just so you know, after all the time we spent talking, it would have been ok for you to say I don't think we're a good match. I take feedback really well & would not have wasted your time anymore!!! Anyway, I think you're a good person & I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your search.
Sincerely,
Elaine

The 'Do you mind me texting/calling' email'
I hope your week is going well. Anyway I wanted to honestly ask you if it bothers you if I call or text you? I like our convos but I know sometimes I dont call you because I dont know if you're busy. We used to text each other a lot more & I noticed you didn't respond to a couple I sent you so I wasn't sure ... & honestly I like getting texts all day... It makes the day go faster. I also remember you said that you met a match on eH & she would text you but I think you said you didn't respond because you didn't want to talk to her...IDK? I mean that would suck but on the otherhand no one wants to be annoying either. So just let me know either way...Elaine
Last edited by Elaine_Harmony; July 26,2009 at 6:48pm. Reason: Clarity
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  July 26,2009, 6:28pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I don't think I can get a sense of what 'really' happened, of what you did, and how, that made him react this way. There are probably a lot of little details that aren't included in your account so that it's difficult to know if he overreacted or not. Based on that long, rambling post....I can only guess what your messages to him were like.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #3  July 26,2009, 6:29pm
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EH:

Your post is very hard to read. You might want to edit it and put in some paragraphs breaks.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #4  July 26,2009, 6:48pm
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He asked or told you to leave him alone 'for now'. Which definitely means no contact. You completely ignored him and went into over-drive in trying to get him to talk to you.

Based on what you've shared, I don't get the impression that he is playing games or being indecisive. I think you both started off in zoom mode and when he - naturally - started to slow down, you peppered him with attempts to contact him.

Do as he asked/said: leave him alone! He is making it clear by letting your calls go to vmail that he doesn't want to talk to you.

Sorry.



 
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dragonfly_girl is offline dragonfly_girl Post #5  July 26,2009, 6:55pm
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I agree. He told you to leave him alone, so you really should respect that.

As an aside, you never know what it going on in a person's life. If a man doesn't call you in a week, why automatically assume you are annoying him in some way? Maybe he had a lot to deal with that week and had other priorities.

I'd be a little freaked out by your two e-mails if I was having a rough week and they came out of the blue.

I can understand if you think things are going well, and then you don't hear from someone, your mind wants to come up with all sorts of explanations. It's better to resist that urge.

Sorry, I don't think he's playing games with you. However, sounds like he has the impression you are playing games with him.
 
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Elaine_Harmony is offline Elaine_Harmony Post #6  July 26,2009, 6:55pm
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What you're saying makes sense. He was moving way too fast for me @ first & now I'm probably doing the same to him!!! I wont call him/text him & if/when he feels like he wants to talk then we'll see...I'm just one of those people who can't be mad @ someone for 5 minutes let alone 5 days!!!

meri75 wrote :
He asked or told you to leave him alone 'for now'. Which definitely means no contact. You completely ignored him and went into over-drive in trying to get him to talk to you.

Based on what you've shared, I don't get the impression that he is playing games or being indecisive. I think you both started off in zoom mode and when he - naturally - started to slow down, you peppered him with attempts to contact him.

Do as he asked/said: leave him alone! He is making it clear by letting your calls go to vmail that he doesn't want to talk to you.

Sorry.


 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #7  July 26,2009, 6:59pm
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Sorry to be blunt, but this looks pretty simple to me. Things started to tail off after he met you. That is quite common. People build up expectations during the early communication phase, and if those expectations are not met at the first meeting then they just fade away.

This is why you should never think there is any potential to someone or get your hopes up until after you've met and gone out a few times.

And once someone starts to fade there is nothing you can do about it. More texting, more calls, more emails, etc. is only going to cause you to feel more frustrated.

In this situation you may not have done anything wrong. It's just that when he met you he wasn't that into you.
 
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Elaine_Harmony is offline Elaine_Harmony Post #8  July 26,2009, 7:12pm
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Thanks for the reply! I am def. not a game player, but I like to hear how someone else might perceive things. It's funny when we met @ first I was a little thrown because he thought I was hard to read & he seemed to be moving so much faster than me!!! He used to always say 'tell me how you feel about this' or ' I need to know how you feeel.' He used to text me throughout the day 'are you thinking about me?' The reason I mentioned annoying him by calling or texting is because when we first met he said he had a match that he wasn't interested in & she would call or text & he wouldn't respond. So I thought maybe he was acting the same way towards me. On a different occassion I had a different match accuse me of ignoring him on YM, but my home computer stays on all day while I'm @ work & my status online is 'avail.' I didn't get mad or anything when he emailed me that but just sent him an email apologizing & explained the real reason why I hadn't seen him on YM while I was @ work. I def. won't contact him for now though.

dragonfly_girl wrote :
I agree. He told you to leave him alone, so you really should respect that.

As an aside, you never know what it going on in a person's life. If a man doesn't call you in a week, why automatically assume you are annoying him in some way? Maybe he had a lot to deal with that week and had other priorities.

I'd be a little freaked out by your two e-mails if I was having a rough week and they came out of the blue.

I can understand if you think things are going well, and then you don't hear from someone, your mind wants to come up with all sorts of explanations. It's better to resist that urge.

Sorry, I don't think he's playing games with you. However, sounds like he has the impression you are playing games with him.
 
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Elaine_Harmony is offline Elaine_Harmony Post #9  July 26,2009, 7:15pm
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Thanks for your reply! This is why I sent an email to him in case he wasn't interested. As long as someone tells me how they feel I'm ok no matter what the feedback! That's why I couldn't understand why he got so mad...

waltercl wrote :
Sorry to be blunt, but this looks pretty simple to me. Things started to tail off after he met you. That is quite common. People build up expectations during the early communication phase, and if those expectations are not met at the first meeting then they just fade away.

This is why you should never think there is any potential to someone or get your hopes up until after you've met and gone out a few times.

And once someone starts to fade there is nothing you can do about it. More texting, more calls, more emails, etc. is only going to cause you to feel more frustrated.

In this situation you may not have done anything wrong. It's just that when he met you he wasn't that into you.
 
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Snick8699 is offline Snick8699 Post #10  July 26,2009, 7:46pm
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He admitted to you that he ignored another woman who would text him instead of being a man and putting an end to things. I think he was so gung-ho about communicating with you that he slowed down when the novelty wore off. You loved that connection, as a lot of people do and you weren't ready to slow down.

Maybe he was angry you cut him off before he had a chance to ignore you; maybe he had a really rough week like another poster said; or maybe he was just looking for a valid reason to end things and your constant texts asking permission just turned him off. I had a guy who did that and honestly, it was annoying.

While I do think he blew it out of proportion, he also didn't take the time to say something like, "I'm sorry you jumped to conclusions, I've had a really busy week and not a lot of free time. But good luck with your search", etc. I think be thankful you're free of each other.
 
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