Men bringing up sex waaaay too early


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ZisaGirl is offline ZisaGirl Post #1  July 26,2009, 6:47am
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Am I being too difficult here? Or just too old-fashioned?

I've had a number of men tell me I'm not "fun" enough, or "adventurous" enough, when I tell them I don't believe it's appropriate for them to start asking me questions about my sexual desires when we haven't even talked on the phone yet!

Or when a guy starts off his very first email to you with "Hi Sexy".

Or, we'll be having a nice email banter exchange with talk of movies, restaurants, hobbies, schools, and all of a sudden, the next email is a question about whether I like to initiate. ??????

Am I being too old-fashioned in thinking these things are out of line here?

I'm a 47 year-old attractive woman, and in my photos, I am dressed conservatively but am often shot as having fun, as on a trip, etc. I'm a naturally smiling, laughing person, but I think I'm being mis-read. Am I sending out some signal? Or does this happen to other women as well?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 26,2009, 7:17am
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They are not out of line, just out of the range of your taste.
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #3  July 26,2009, 7:19am
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There are a lot of people in the world without a clue as to social intelligence.

That said, there are women who are comfortable with this kind of conversation early on. These men need to find those women.

There is nothing wrong with your feeling that the conversation is inappropriate. There is nothing wrong with saying "I'm not going to talk about that right now" or "I'm not really comfortable with that." If they leave, let them leave. Are these really men you'd want to stick around anyway? Take their initiations of these conversations for what they are...red flags that these particular men are not a good match for you...and move on.

Don't worry about what you should be so much as present authentically who you are. Set the boundaries you're comfortable with and enforce them.

As to whether or not you're giving out signals...I can't say. I will say that whether you do or don't, you will run into the full spectrum from mildly inappropriate to outright deceptive in the dating world, but there are really good guys out there as well. Clear these clueless guys out so you don't miss the one who matters.

Best of luck.
 
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ZisaGirl is offline ZisaGirl Post #4  July 26,2009, 7:28am
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Thank you, both. Excellent advice from both of you.

I'm from the old school, where in the initial stages of communication, be they in person or email, you discuss neutral subjects: books, movies, etc.

Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship. A crucial part. As are handling of finances, raising of children, real estate transactions, etc. But in the FIRST few sentences of communication, I've always felt comfortable keeping all of these subjects out of discussion, keeping to the neutral subjects.

But you both are right; if this makes me uncomfortable, then I need to just close it out early enough.

The thing is, some of these men seem terrific, and I get so excited about the prospect of getting to know them, when bam...this stuff comes up. Aaargh.
 
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pussinboots is offline pussinboots Post #5  July 26,2009, 7:56am
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I have a very strong sex drive - from what I have heard not that common for a man around my age unless he takes the medication. [I don't need to - maybe partially because I've been waiting for a while for the right woman.]

Anyway, I would never, ever, ever start talking about sex with a woman until we got to know each other - a lot more than just a few emails or conversations.

Also if a match has provocative photos posted or a provocative profile, she gets closed right away. That's not what I'm looking for.
 
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PR_Princess is offline PR_Princess Post #6  July 26,2009, 8:03am
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I'm with you on this one ZisaGirl. Someone recently put in their must haves the need for regular sex. I closed them out only for the fact that it is redundant. If you are knowledgeable about Islam then it is already a known fact that regular sex is encouraged to maintain a healthy relationship within a marriage (barring there is some medical issue that prevents it) We all have "sex on the brain" ...it's nature but I need a person that has "relationship on the brain" just as much. Reminds me of a funny story about a friend of mine who was trying to get me together with a man in her community. At one point of the telephone conversation she says..."She cooks, she cleans...what else do you want?" Hense this is one of the reasons I am on EH. I hope this puts a smile on your face and releives some of the frustration. As you can see I have a picture of a celestial flower in my profile....I recently posted my pic on myspacey/facebookie pages for my friends to see and I titled it "I am more than just a flower" Continue to have a fun and interesting life and I am sure you will bump into someone just as interesting
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #7  July 26,2009, 8:13am
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ZisaGirl wrote :
Thank you, both. Excellent advice from both of you.

I'm from the old school, where in the initial stages of communication, be they in person or email, you discuss neutral subjects: books, movies, etc.

Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship. A crucial part. As are handling of finances, raising of children, real estate transactions, etc. But in the FIRST few sentences of communication, I've always felt comfortable keeping all of these subjects out of discussion, keeping to the neutral subjects.

But you both are right; if this makes me uncomfortable, then I need to just close it out early enough.

The thing is, some of these men seem terrific, and I get so excited about the prospect of getting to know them, when bam...this stuff comes up. Aaargh.
Ah, yes, we get caught up in the anticipation and the potential and we try to gloss over or rationalize the facts.

They are strangers. The dating process is about getting to know someone. Once you know that their values don't match your values, they may still be terrific, but not necessarily for you.

As I posted in another thread, I hear a lot of women saying, "I think he's great, but..." and then they'll focus on the great part and rationalize all the "buts." While I think it's important to be somewhat open-minded and flexible, I do think that staying as objective as possible in the early stages is a good idea. It's easy to forget that the "buts" are not optional, but are part of the person that we'll have to accept as well.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  July 26,2009, 8:14am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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ZisaGirl wrote :
I've had a number of men tell me I'm not "fun" enough, or "adventurous" enough, when I tell them I don't believe it's appropriate for them to start asking me questions about my sexual desires when we haven't even talked on the phone yet!
When they tell you this they are just trying to manipulate you so they can get what they want. Pay it no heed.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #9  July 26,2009, 8:23am
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While it is important to discuss sex if sex is the least bit important to you in a relationship, there is a right time for it that a lot of men miss by a mile. Sometimes it's because they just aren't very good at talking to other people or reading the conversational ebb and flow, they're almost working from a script but they've accidentally picked up the one that says "Hooker" and can't change mental gears. Sometimes it's just that they really see no difference between talking about a movie and asking who goes on top and who wears the handcuffs. If you'd been having drinks with the guy he'd probably have spent the whole date talking to your chest.
Is this bad? No, it's not nice but it's not bad, it just means you mark down another wasted evening and maybe tighten up the settings on your tosspot detector.

You have preferences, and one of them is that a guy see you as a person first, not a sexual object, at least not until you're ready to be seen that way. You don't have to compromise those preferences or worry about being misread, misreading the situation is *his* problem, not yours. Even if your photos do send out ambiguous signals he should pick up on the reality in chat of he's paying attention, if he's not then you probably wouldn't want to go out with him anyway.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #10  July 26,2009, 8:25am
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ZisaGirl wrote :
The thing is, some of these men seem terrific, and I get so excited about the prospect of getting to know them, when bam...this stuff comes up. Aaargh.

Yes, and this is the question, isn’t it?
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