smart_original is offline smart_original Post #1  July 24,2009, 1:10pm
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I'm 36, have a slew of failed relationships behind me but remain hopeful. Own a condo, a car, have a decent job, a good head on my shoulders, smart, good-looking, funny, etc. (Hey, who doesn't think they're normal?) I'm very supportive of my guys, hopefully I make them feel good, I'm loyal, etc.

Here's my overwhelming problem: Many times I've been told by guys (whom I've met online) that they totally adore me, love me, think I'm the best girlfriend ever, etc. (These guys range from ones I've gone on dates with a few times and have felt mutual connections with to boyfriends I've known & dated for months.) Just when I start to believe they want to settle into an exclusive relationship with me, they eventually close up, shut down and shut me out. When I ask them why, the eventual response is always "I got scared." HUH? Seriously. They admit they were "scared."

Guys: Please explain this to me! Is this a cop-out response that you use when you really want to say "I don't want to be with you anymore" or "I've found someone else"? Or are you truly scared of messing it up (which, by the way, you've accomplished by running away from me ... don't you know that?) Why do guys bail? Are you actually scared of being in a great relationship that works or just think I'm scary?

And also, these guys say they're scared, but then they always come groveling back to me, wanting me back, but by then I've moved on. When will you guys learn to stop running away when you're scared? Talk it out, work it out. Believe me, if you were honest with me, I'd let you take some time off to think about it. Guys have turned into the biggest wussies!
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 24,2009, 5:56pm
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smart_original wrote :
Is this a cop-out response that you use when you really want to say "I don't want to be with you anymore" or "I've found someone else"?

Sorry, but I think your explanation is correct.
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #3  July 24,2009, 7:37pm
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It's man code for "I've found someone I like better". Guys know that the easiest way to get rid of a girl without her getting angry is to claim emotional insecurity. Because at least if there's no logic (that we can see) behind the decision they can garner our sympathy and therefore understanding instead.

The only times I've ever had a man admit emotional insecurity issues has been when he's trying to cover something up. Yes I found out eventually. He just wanted me to feel sorry for him rather than look at the evidence of what was really going on.

So what to do about it? Well nothing really because lets face it if someone has decided they don't want to be with you then there's no point trying to hold onto them. Perhaps all this shows is that you continually attract less committed men, and maybe see if you can discover why they pick you. Then you can change that aspect of yourself and meet someone more honest and compatible.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  July 24,2009, 7:49pm
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SoOverIt wrote :
It's man code for "I've found someone I like better". Guys know that the easiest way to get rid of a girl without her getting angry is to claim emotional insecurity. Because at least if there's no logic (that we can see) behind the decision they can garner our sympathy and therefore understanding instead.

The only times I've ever had a man admit emotional insecurity issues has been when he's trying to cover something up. Yes I found out eventually. He just wanted me to feel sorry for him rather than look at the evidence of what was really going on.

So what to do about it? Well nothing really because lets face it if someone has decided they don't want to be with you then there's no point trying to hold onto them. Perhaps all this shows is that you continually attract less committed men, and maybe see if you can discover why they pick you. Then you can change that aspect of yourself and meet someone more honest and compatible.
I am presuming that you are female so I wonder what made you an expert on how guys think?

Seems that she is picking these guys not the guys picking her.
 
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bwr is offline bwr Post #5  July 24,2009, 8:34pm
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They just are not totally into you. They like the temporary security blanket and fun times, but there is something that is keeping them from committing long term with you.

Could it could be you lifestyle habits ? Are you overweight ? Maybe its "all about you" and the guys get worn down. Maybe they feel you aren't growing together with them. It could be anything and you need to do some self observing and analysis to try and nail it down and come up with a plan to improve it.

It sounds like you are doing something right to attract men in the first place, but there is something in your appearance or personality that is driving them away eventually.

The fact that they come crawling back to you is because they failed to get another date or they dated someone worse off than you and decide to come back. Either way, you are backburner material to them and you will likely never be good enough for them, so its wise to move on and not go back to them.

All I can say is keep trying and keep improving yourself (self improvement is the key), and someday it will all come together. There is no magical solution - you just have to keep hoping and keep trying.
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #6  July 24,2009, 9:52pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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I agree with a theme in previous posts....that you shouldn't assume these guys are being honest with you. Guys will sometimes tell women things they think will generate sympathy and/or get them off the hook.

I remember one guy telling a woman the reason he was seeing his ex while dating her was that he was 'confused'. While this guy was also a major player and incredibly egotistical....but by giving a reason that would play on the woman's heart strings he was able to avoid her anger and keep her hanging on.

The men the OP mentioned needn't be players....but they might very well simply be feeding her lines that they hope will generate a reaction in her that they want.
 
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