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partenopea partenopea is offline
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I have a problem...at least I think I do.

I am originally from Italy, I work for the US government, I speak quite a few languages, have an MA, pay my own bills, and I am always happy...ok, 95% of the time I am happy.

I meet a man, we are having a great time. He says I am funny, cute, smart, nice accent, etc; then...it happens. They ask me "So, what do you do?"
Here in lies the problem.

I am not allowed to discuss my job. AT ALL. We are told to "make up a story." This does not bother me when dealing with the general public, but when I am meeting someone on the more personal level (as in a date) I really do not want to lie about it... they would find out eventually and then it becomes one of those "issues"... the trust thing.

Most of the time, I tell a date, "Sorry can't really talk about my work...you need a clearance. But I used to be a US Marine." and give them a wink and a smile, trying to lighten the mood. Ten minutes later they are gone, either that or they never ever call again. The few times I have really liked someone and told them a bit about what I do (and that my job requires me to travel ALOT), same deal... they run away screaming.

So is it me or is it them?
Do I need to quit being a worldly, well-read, independent, and successful woman; should I take a job at the local Target? What is it that scares them off? I am very playful, cheery, happy person. I joke around quite alot and I am rarely serious (work is serious...not the rest of my life!). Any suggestions?
- July 24th, 2009, 12:02 pm
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j0hn8andy j0hn8andy is online now
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I would ask my single female co-workers what they say and how it works for them.
- July 24th, 2009, 12:09 pm
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partenopea partenopea is offline
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No females to ask!

I work with ONLY men. Most of them are married (or divorced). They are all trying to "hook-up" with whatever/whoever they can get when ever we travel... not exactly nice guys.
- July 24th, 2009, 12:14 pm
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Dear partenopea,

The problem is the men you have met. No one who you date has to know classified information in order to be in a relationship.

Independent, well read, and successful woman are where it is at. Don't give up hope. Be true to who you are. Who cares about the details of your job. Guide the conversation to something you can talk about instead.

Good luck,
Bearwolf102
- July 24th, 2009, 12:17 pm
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PoliticalChick01 PoliticalChick01 is offline
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It's not you, it's them. I can sympathize with you as I work in the Fed Govt also and cannot talk about my job and what I do.

You already made it clear that you cannot talk about it and if he likes you, he will respect you and leave it be.

A lot of guys cannot handle that (trust me I've been in your shoes a lot of times) and that is their loss. That is why I just stick to dating military or other U.S. Govt employees as they are the only ones I can relate too and know how the government works.
- July 24th, 2009, 12:33 pm
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tweet37 tweet37 is offline
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partenopea wrote :
Any suggestions?
Answer: It's classified. I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.

All kidding aside, if your job is so sensitive why don't you have a 'front' ? Or why can't you create one? What do you tell your family and friends?
- July 24th, 2009, 01:11 pm
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DancingFool DancingFool is online now
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I would not be so quick to say they are not the right men before I think long and hard about how I'm coming across.

When first meeting, people are really sensitive and gun shy so to speak. It could be that you come across as evasive and they run away thinking that maybe you are a liar or unemployed looking for a guy to support you. So it's all about presentation and body language.

Can't talk about it at all is still a relative term. You can say that you have a government job. You can say something very generic like you are a "paper pusher" (a bit tongue in cheek). You can say that you audit or investigate stuff and leave it at that. If he then asks for details, you can very honestly tell him that you are absolutely forbidden to discuss that and if you do, it will cost you your job. Most people will understand that and it's really not that ominous that you need to make light of it. There are quite a few professions where you don't discuss details of what you do - there is nothing new about this.

As for frequency of travel....again...it's all in timing and presentation. Probably not something you want to pound on a first date. Go out a few times and get to know each other. If you are jumping on him about how you travel so much, it just comes across as not really interested in maintaining a relationship, but I'll be happy to use you when I'm in town. (I know this is not your intent, but I bet this is how he sees it and runs) Get to know each other and let him first figure out that you will make time for him. Travel will come up of course and you'll figure out how to handle it as you go along assuming you are both interested in a relationship. If he thinks you are worth it, he'll hang around.
- July 24th, 2009, 01:21 pm
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partenopea partenopea is offline
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It is not relative...and sometimes I do tell them I am a "pencil-pusher, bean-counter" or some such thing. But occasionally, it's not quite enough, I guess.
I travel too much to have many friends (other than my co-workers).
My family consists of a sister who asks me no questions.
And the "make up a story" bit, that is the "front," I suppose. It's not like the movies, guys!
You may be right about the travel thing, but that's the best part of the job!!! I think men just want a woman who will stay in one place. They don't seem to want to follow me or my escapdes around the globe. Oh well... I am off and running again soon so, good-bye to eHarmony et al.
Last edited by partenopea; July 24th, 2009 at 02:11 pm.
- July 24th, 2009, 01:23 pm
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jayjay jayjay is online now
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Of course....it's BOTH you and them (as well as your job). Frankly, if I went on a first date with a woman and she told me this I'd probably bail as well. It just sounds like something potentially dangerous, difficult and/or a hassle to deal with. It isn't likely that I could 'like' a first date enough to make me overlook this. It just sounds like one of the 'fringe benefits' of your job. Maybe men in government service would be a good match for you.
- July 24th, 2009, 01:30 pm
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E1izabeth E1izabeth is offline
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I have a friend in the same boat, Partenopea, and he simply says, "I work for the government. I edit technical documents." (Or "review budgets" or "am a project manager.")

When he describes one minute function of his job -- something that's absolutely non-specific and completely dull -- most people leave it at that.

I suspect your date isn't quite getting the fact that it's not your trust for him that's under scrutiny, it's the government's trust in you.
- July 24th, 2009, 02:01 pm
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