"I don't need any more friends."


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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #1  July 22,2009, 4:06pm

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I actually had a woman tell me last year, "I don't need any more friends." We e-mailed each other and talked on the phone and initially I was attracted to her, but the more I got to know her I knew we weren't a good fit. So I told her that I didn't think we were a good fit, but if she still wanted to be friends that was cool. And that's when she told me how she's not looking for friends and she already has enough friends.

Now, I really don't like rejecting people. I know how hard it is for me and I tried to be as discreet about it as I could, but there's no way to reject someone easily. It hurts. And I know that. But I would rather be honest with someone than to tell them what they want to hear and delay the inevitable shootdown. So I can understand her being frustrated, if not, peeved at me. But what's wrong with going out on a couple of dates with someone and then not feeling any connection, but still remaining friends? And since when was there a cap on friends? I always thought that friends were like starting pitchers in baseball-you can never have too many.

Has any other man or woman had a similar experience?
 
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howlong is offline howlong Post #2  July 22,2009, 4:18pm
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Could be that she had feelings and didnt want that to dwell on that each time she saw you. Or simply she just didnt need someone else filling up her time. No offense
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #3  July 22,2009, 4:19pm
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I think it's really tough to be friends with someone you met on a dating site. If you really hit it off, you'd probably end up dating. If you don't date it could be a weird, creepy cloud hanging over the friendship. If your personalities fit but there was no attraction than what are the odds there was no attraction on both sides.

It takes a rare type of person to be able to pull of a friendship under those circumstances, and I can completely understand why people wouldn't go for that.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #4  July 22,2009, 4:19pm
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Personally, I simply would not believe her.

We can never have too many friends in life - man, woman or child.

But I'm talking Real & True Friends, not the ones who pretend to be friends for their own sake, to gain something from us. Those tactics are usually pretty obvious to an eye well trained by life experience. And, to be honest, I feel a little sorry for them. They are just lost... and I hope they also find some Real & True Friends, who will help them find themselves.

Real & True Friends make all the Positive Difference in our lives. They surround us with love, compassion and care. They keep us grounded, and they also keep our heads in the clouds of Real & True Happiness they bring into our lives, and we simply let them in return...
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #5  July 22,2009, 4:22pm
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I have had a guy tell me that.

The fact is, it is better to just get rejected than the friends line. Why? Because probably one doesn't feel the connection but the other one did, so the interest in remaining friends is just a 'show' not sincere. And if it is sincere, the other person will still be interested and want to push their agenda "you should have stayed with me", or be a friends with benefits kind of person. It is better a clean slate.

There is no cap on friends, but let's admit it; we do have a bunch of close friends already, if two people are dating most likely when they find somebody only 'old' friends stick around.

My opinion.

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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #6  July 22,2009, 4:25pm
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She went out with you to look for a relationship, not a friendship. Come on, you're a guy, surely you've heard the "let's be friends" line before and it totally sucked. Now the situation is reversed.
 
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bigfincat is offline bigfincat Post #7  July 22,2009, 4:51pm
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I can respect whatever way a person wishes to deal with that situation.

Personally, I would find it easy to be friends with someone that I had met on a dating site especially if we had just gone out a few times. I also like the prospect of getting to know her friends as well.

I don't have ANY feelings about that person yet anyway.

It probably depends on expectations that the person comes in with from the beginning.

I like hanging out with people that bring something different than what my existing friends bring. They are great but I think that my group can always use a different energy from time to time. I am not a fan of hanging out with the same few people in the same few places so even adding one different person sometimes can change it up.
 
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dumont is offline dumont Post #8  July 22,2009, 5:31pm
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I had what I thought was a wonderful relationship for a year and a half. Then her father needed care at home, where she lived, and I was asked to be patient for a while. Rather rapidly it was down to "can we just be friends". Okay. Now 4 months and 4 non-returned messages I guess she did not want to be friends either. The thing I do not understand is why not just say "it is over and please disappear". At least that way I could have had many more nights where I could sleep. At 61 I thought I had finally found happiness and now it is gone.
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #9  July 22,2009, 6:42pm
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I had a guy say that he wasn't on Match to find friends. I think it is a rare thing to make a friend on a dating site and I would just consider that one of life's little bonuses as it wasn't something expected or sought out.

IRL I would say staying friends with someone you dated (more than a few dates) is a great concept. I am all for it in theory but usually it is too awkward at first. Also it is easy for the one walking away from the experience to say let's be friends. The dumpee has a harder time. I think it is possible in time but not right away. If it was a serious relationship some healing may need to occur.

And I agree - like starting pitchers, you can never have too many friends.
 
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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #10  July 22,2009, 6:48pm

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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
She went out with you to look for a relationship, not a friendship. Come on, you're a guy, surely you've heard the "let's be friends" line before and it totally sucked. Now the situation is reversed.
True, but isn't it also true that most relationships start off as friendships?
 
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