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waltercl waltercl is offline
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waltercl is Feeling good about life ............................

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DancingFool wrote :
I'm sorry Walter, but you are so wrong in your post. The intensity of training and studying that she is going through is sadly beyond most people's comprehension unless you've personally been there and done that. There is no time to think about needy SO's and there is no time for e-mails and notes and there will be many many years before her life normalizes enough to actually have some time for that.

The fact that she is attempting to date is amazing, most people will not. The fact that she is even considering long term and even possibly having children while in residency.....lol....she herself has no clue what's coming up for her. If the OP really truly grasps this and basically is a very strong supportive person for her who does not demand what she can't give, then it will work out. If he starts demanding more attention, affirmations of affection to satisfy his insecurities, well......she won't be able to handle the added demands even if to the outside people those demands seem so small. The truth is that when you are going through that kind of training, any small demand can quickly become the straw that broke the camel's back.
I would absolutely agree that I could not comprehend or relate to what must be extraordinary demands on someone's time in a situation like Med School. At the same time though I would not call someone "needy" if they wanted 1 or 2 short emails through the week. You could be right, and although it might not be a heavy demand, it still might seem daunting to someone with her schedule. However if this is the way it is going to be then it's going to take a very unique person to handle that over the next several years.

Again I don't think it is unreasonable in any situation to want to have a short written note once or twice a week that simply says "Hey, thinking of you. Really busy as you can imagine. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend." I mean that isn't much, but it says a lot, and it takes about 30 seconds. If you can't do that or that amount of effort seems overwhelming then I'd think you'd need to look at whether or not this is a good time in your life to have anything more than a casual friendship/dating scenario. And as I said if it is just that kind of relationship then there's nothing unreasonable (no matter what someone's schedule) to not communicate in-between.

One thing is for sure, someone is going to have to adjust, and I'd agree that given her priorities it is going to have to be him. I do think though he is going to need to evaluate if he can handle the relative lack of communication for what will probably be years. I don't think it is unreasonable or needy to want a short contact in-between meetings, but if indeed it is too much for her then he needs to ask himself the hard question if he can accept it.

Being perfectly honest I couldn't. Not for a period of years. I don't know many men or women who could.
Last edited by waltercl; July 24th, 2009 at 06:30 am.
- July 24th, 2009, 06:26 am
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waltercl waltercl is offline
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I did want to say in a separate post to the OP that he should scale back the attempted phone calls, attempted texts, and emails. This is separate from the whole consideration of her schedule and time demands. You never want to be in a situation with anyone where it looks like you are chasing. No matter what is going on in someone's life you don't want them to feel pressured.

You say you talk once to work out the details of your weekend. I'd let that be the only attempted phone call for now, no texts, and maybe one short email a week just saying hello and letting her know you're looking forward to seeing her. If she has time for more then let her initiate it at her pace. In other words give her lots of space.
- July 24th, 2009, 06:43 am
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Good thoughts waltercl. I will be talking to her on Saterday when we get togeather. She is joining me and my friends at a water park. Should be a lot of fun. I am going to talk to her afterwords about our communication and what will work for her. If it is just once a week than so be it. If we are just dateing for fun than so be it. All that is up to her.

I have only wishes I make no demands.
- July 24th, 2009, 07:55 am
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last12C last12C is offline
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DancingFool wrote :
I'm sorry Walter, but you are so wrong in your post. The intensity of training and studying that she is going through is sadly beyond most people's comprehension unless you've personally been there and done that. There is no time to think about needy SO's and there is no time for e-mails and notes and there will be many many years before her life normalizes enough to actually have some time for that.

The fact that she is attempting to date is amazing, most people will not. The fact that she is even considering long term and even possibly having children while in residency.....lol....she herself has no clue what's coming up for her. If the OP really truly grasps this and basically is a very strong supportive person for her who does not demand what she can't give, then it will work out. If he starts demanding more attention, affirmations of affection to satisfy his insecurities, well......she won't be able to handle the added demands even if to the outside people those demands seem so small. The truth is that when you are going through that kind of training, any small demand can quickly become the straw that broke the camel's back.
I absolutely agree.

I will repeat myself here to make sure that it is heard: What she may want is totally different from what she can realistically give. The OP really needs to understand this so that they do not get into the dynamic of her making promises that she cannot keep. Every time that she is unable to comply with what you negotiate it will add to the stress that she is dealing with and that will wear on her over time. About the tenth time that she hears "but you saaaaid...." she might be tempted to grab the nearest textbook and beat you over the head with it. And those babies average well over 1500 pages.

If you want to consider the cultural element here, I would say that it has been my observation that Asian students (particularly Chinese) have a very high drive for excellence. A "B" is not good enough - it must be an "A". It is not enough to pass a test - you must ace it. Although I am not Asian myself I am wired the same way. I had to graduate 4.0 and I did. I was married and living with my husband while I was in school and it was very difficult to carve out quality time with him. Thank the Lord he was a patient man (not to mention he had excellent veins, was really good at flash cards, and had HUGE pom-poms! ).
Last edited by last12C; July 24th, 2009 at 10:41 am. Reason: because comic relief is a must :-)
- July 24th, 2009, 10:29 am
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Bearwolf102 Bearwolf102 is offline
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Last12C thank you again for your information,

It is not lost on me that she has an increadible drive to be the best in her class. It is clear that A is the only acceptable grade for her and I think that is admirable. I support her in this and have experiance with patients that may surprise you.

I want it to work out to the best for both of us. This is going to mean sacrifice for me at a rather early stage in order to give this relationship a chance. That sacrifice would have to continue into the long term. Given the chance I would do so.

We will see how it goes from here. I care about her. I never want to be in the way of her dreams. I would like to be a part of them only...
- July 24th, 2009, 12:06 pm
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