Lack of communication


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Bob_dB is offline Bob_dB Post #11  July 22,2009, 3:20pm
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Bearwolf - this sounds a bit like my situation, which I posted under "He Thought/She Thought" in the Relationships section. In short, I had little communication from a girlfriend/almost fiancee when she went away for some extended job training. I didn't mention in that thread she was doing a semester of student teaching, so it doesn't really compare to med school.

But I was in the same place: thinking it shouldn't be too hard to do *something* to try to communicate. From a prior dumping years before, I got the impression she was getting ready to dump me and when she basically disappeared, it confirmed to me that I had been dumped.

Then I found out that she had tried several times to call me, but my roomie at the time confused her with someone else and sent her away, telling her I was seeing someone else. I thought she dumped me. She thought I dumped her. End of relationship; heartbreak all around. Three years later she married someone else. Years after that I find out these details.

If you're sure about a future with your girl, I'd advise you to be patient and steadfast: some folks really are just poor communicators, American, Chinese or anything else. Use the time to develop your character. And try to think of a romantic reminder to send her every few weeks - something that won't take a lot of her time, but be assured it will be a source of great comfort for her.

Be sure to plan out your times together - something I neglected to do - and make sure you both have the same expectations for the relationship. Then be sure to ACT when the time is right. One thing I should have done in my situation was to work extra jobs to get the money together for an engagement ring to have ready when she finished her student teaching, plus not giving up as easily as I did, no matter what my past experiences. You can gain wisdom from experience, but need to remember that everyone is different.

Hope this helps!
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #12  July 22,2009, 3:33pm
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First, you have only been seeing her for a month and a half.
Second, she is studying to become a doctor which is taking almost all of her time. She was totally upfront with you about this.

Her situation will not change anytime soon. She won't be able to reaffirm her feelings towards you midweek as often as it appears you want.

So it boils down to two choices:
1) You adjust your expectations to match her reality (meaning little or not contact during the week in between dates)....OR
2) You find someone else who has more time and energy to put into building a relationship with you.
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #13  July 22,2009, 6:41pm
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I was working full time, about 50 to 60 hours per week, and going to business school full time, nights and weekends. As stressful as that was for me I would say that even with that schedule it probably wasn't nearly as stressful as what your girlfriend is getting being in medical school. I am surprised she is trying to date at all. You should consider yourself lucky to see or talk to her at all!!!

I know that when I was doing both some of my personal relationships suffered. A lot. I was serious about my work and school so basically I just told my friends and family members right off the bat that I would not have a lot of time for going out and sitting around socializing - I had to complete my schooling so that I could advance at work. Period. I told them all that as soon as I was done I would have my time back and I would be back to my old self. Some of them whined a little, some of them whined a lot but respected that because they loved me and knew that I was serious. At the end of it all (and it did take several years), everyone was proud of me for finishing and not letting myself get distracted by anything and all was forgiven. They even threw me a big party!

So it sounds like your girlfriend has a long road ahead and finishing school is just half the battle! Are you really ready for something like that? Being a doctor is a time suck and if you can't deal with her being a student how are you going to deal with it when she actually becomes a doctor and still doesn't have time a lot of time for you? At least for some years while she is getting her career going?

You both certainly deserve to have someone in your lives to care about but it sounds like this lack of available free time on her part for at least the foreseeable future is going to be a real problem for you. Another thing I was thinking as I read your post - how busy are you? If I were you and I wanted to stay involved with someone who is that busy I would make sure I keep some of my time flexible to accommodate her schedule - but I would get busy too, with hobbies, taking classes - something. Then you won't have so much time to sit around being upset because she doesn't have time for you!
 
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Genie57 is offline Genie57 Post #14  July 22,2009, 6:51pm
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You could also just have a heart to heart with her and ask her what she wants/expects from a relationship right now. That way you will know for sure if there is any hope for this relationship or if you need to move on. Sounds like she is serious about what she is doing and I admire her ability to not get distracted. You seem like a nice guy - ask the tough questions while it's still early - before you get yourself in too deep!
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #15  July 23,2009, 6:46am
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Thank you everyone. I am going to talk to her and ask her the questions I need to know. I want to know what I can expect.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #16  July 23,2009, 7:53am
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DancingFool and last12c are telling you the cold hard truth. Although I did not go through medical school I did go through nursing school which was hard on relationships. I saw first-hand several relationships bite the dust because the other party felt short changed. The amount of studying required prepping for a lab so that you do not look like a dummy is staggering. As a nurse I did not have to learn as much in my anatomy course as a medical student would. I did not have to learn where every nerve came from or what organs or muscles it served but I did have to know the names and functions of the major nerves. Then comes learning lab values. A medical or nursing student does not just learn the values but the major underlying causes of high or low lab values and the appropriate treatment. When the medical student reaches the intern stage then things get worse not better. The intern has to review all the patient's chart on the unit they are assigned to which takes a great amount of time and be able to answer the Professor's or Resident's question regarding diagnosis and/or treatment. Depending upon the unit assigned to the intern may have to spend up to 72 hours on the unit without leaving and with little chance for food or a break and still find time for studying for class or a test.

To become a doctor can only be compared to a normal student who is trying to take 3 majors at the same time. Once the medical student becomes a doctor depending upon the specialty they wish to practice, it can mean another 2 years before things settle down and then it may not settle down if they decide on working in an ER or become an OB/GYN. If they decide on plastic surgery or dermatology then things can be somewhat normal.

If you can not live with everything I have done a crude outline on then you need to do your girl a huge favor and move on. If you think you can truly support her then quit being insecure. She is doing her best to give you some time they she could be using to study and prep for the next day. Cherish the moments she is sacrificing for you. Good luck
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #17  July 23,2009, 10:00am
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I agree Angelofmerci. I have talked to my freinds, family, and God about it. The answer is yes, yes I would be willing and happy to be that man. I am as you say; going to stop being insecure about it and just enjoy the ride. It's not like I don't have things that fill my time between work, family, friends, activities, volenteering, and church.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #18  July 24,2009, 4:49am
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I understand why she is so busy, and I understand why she would not want to pick up the phone and get into a potentially 30 minute conversation that she just doesn't have time for, but.....I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a short email 1 to 2 times a week saying hello and giving you a quick update on how things are going with her. That would take 5 to 10 minutes at most. Given all she has that might be a very precious 5 to 10 minutes that could be used for a variety of things, but I do believe you make time for the things you want to.

There are two possibilities running through my mind. One is that she may not be as into you as you are into her at this point. She could see this as a casual dating scenario. In that case then spending one day a week together with relatively little communication in-between is not unreasonable.

The other possibility is there could be a difference culturally. I don't want to get into stereotyping, but I've read that in some Asian cultures they are not as "touchy feely" as American and Western European cultures. If that is the case she my feel that making time for you once a week says more than 1000 emails and may not understand your expectation to touch base with the short and sweet type of email that just says hello. My personal expectation would be that if I were in a relationship with someone where we both felt there was long-term potential then we would at least exchange a couple of short emails through the week.

If it is the first possibility where she isn't as into you as you are into her then it's a matter of how long you want to give it to see if that changes. If it is the 2nd possibility where it is cultural then you're going to need to have a lot of communication so you understand where each is coming from. You'll both need to give and compromise. She'll need to understand your need to hear more from her even if it is just a short note, and you'll need to understand that she feels her actions are more important than the little touchy feely things.

Of course there is a 3rd possibility, which is that none of this applies, but hey you never know
Last edited by waltercl; July 24,2009 at 5:14am.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #19  July 24,2009, 5:11am
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Bearwolf102 wrote :
So as some of you know I have been seeing this girl for about a month and a half. She is very busy as a full time medical student....

...I only get to see her one day a week at most. This is understandable with her studies and something I can accept. But what is really hard is the fact that she rarely sends me any emails, texts, or picks up the phone. I work during the day and have plenty of friends and activities to keep me busy but I want to hear from her once in awhile. The average per week is one call to work out what we are doing on the weekend. I send her a few texts or an email during the week to ask after her but I rarely hear back from these. When I call her (always at night when she is out of class) she rarely answers. I don’t want to bother or smother her, or distract her from her studies...
I can relate a bit because I've been seeing a man for about the same amount of time. We see each other once a week (sometimes less) and usually talk on the phone for 20 minutes or so in between. He's not in med school, but he's maintaining 2 properties 400 miles apart, one of which has no electricity, let alone cell service. When the current priority work on the one property finishes, he'll be going on a 6 week trip he had planned for years before we met.

It's tough, especially when I'm used to guys who call every day and see me a couple of times a week. But I think he's worth it, and it sounds like you think she is too. Just try to remind yourself that she's giving all she can, and it's going to you, not someone else.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #20  July 24,2009, 5:12am
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I'm sorry Walter, but you are so wrong in your post. The intensity of training and studying that she is going through is sadly beyond most people's comprehension unless you've personally been there and done that. There is no time to think about needy SO's and there is no time for e-mails and notes and there will be many many years before her life normalizes enough to actually have some time for that.

The fact that she is attempting to date is amazing, most people will not. The fact that she is even considering long term and even possibly having children while in residency.....lol....she herself has no clue what's coming up for her. If the OP really truly grasps this and basically is a very strong supportive person for her who does not demand what she can't give, then it will work out. If he starts demanding more attention, affirmations of affection to satisfy his insecurities, well......she won't be able to handle the added demands even if to the outside people those demands seem so small. The truth is that when you are going through that kind of training, any small demand can quickly become the straw that broke the camel's back.
 
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