NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #1  July 21,2009, 8:30pm

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One of the frequently asked questions I see on boards like this is from guys who want to ask out a waitress they like yet they don't know how. A couple of weeks ago I found myself in this situation. There is a waitress that served me a month ago and she was excellent with service and also going above and beyond to help assist a problem with their credit card machine. Right away I was attracted to her in a physical sense, but also just talking to her I felt like we had some connection. I contacted her manager and gave her kudos which is something I have done before when I receive excellent service. Just as I'll do the same if I receive bad service, I know I like to get recognized when I receive positive feedback from customers.

The next time I went into the restaurant was a couple of weeks ago and the waitress came to my table and she smiled and thanked me for being so sweet. She was there for a couple of minutes and I mentioned that I had some family visiting from out of town and we would come in. She told me that she was heading out of town to visit some family on a vacation for a month, but she'd be back. I told her I'd look forward to seeing her and she went back to her customers because it was lunch time and very busy.

I wanted to ask her for her phone number then and there, but it was extremely busy and I did not want to bother her while she was working. So I went back to work and on the way back I felt like I choked. I missed an opportunity. So what I did was I bought her some flowers, not too expensive, with a note attached letting her know who I was and to tell her I thought she was very sweet and attractive and if she wanted to call me I gave her my number. She went on vacation a couple of days after that and my friend said that she thought she would have called to at least say thanks for the flowers. What do you think?
 
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Mangosteen is offline Mangosteen Post #2  July 21,2009, 9:00pm
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hi there. i think what you did was not bad -- sometimes it's hard to ask for numbers on the spot. i do tend to agree with you friend in saying that if she were interested, i'd think she'd have called to say thanks. if you want to be the eternal optimist, you could think maybe she didn't know who they were from / didn't connect you to the name on the card. however, at this point it's probably just a waiting game. good luck!
 
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Reluctantdater is offline Reluctantdater Post #3  July 21,2009, 9:03pm
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In my experience with waitresses and bartenders, they are consistently "hit on" by guys throughout their day. Most have a good attitude about it, as they are looking for tips. Rarely have I heard from waitresses or bartenders that they actually give out their number to a patron. Most of the time it is just stringing along and playing it nice just to keep the person coming back and getting tips.

Having said that I have dated waitresses and bartenders a lot in the past. However, I would say that it took in most cases at least three months of regular visiting before I built up sufficient rapport to get a number and ask for a date. Usually my routine is to start up a casual conversation--most waitresses and bartenders are doing that to support something else like school or acting or writing--I usually try to find some common interest. Then at the end I introduce myself and tell them that it was nice chatting with them. I'll come back at around the same time and share some funny story or discuss other things. Eventually, I know that the girl has interest in me when she tells me the next time she is going to be scheduled to work. The next time I come I see her and ask for her facebook or e-mail address and take the relationship from there. The point is to make yourself distinctive in their eyes. Just being some random drunk who is hitting on her, when she gets hit on all the time, is not going to do it for you. You really have to build trust and rapport first.

So my opinion is that you took things too fast. She does not know you well enough to feel invested in you anymore than any other patron who has interest in her. I think the flowers were too much. I've never bought a girl flowers and it's never gotten in the way of me starting a relationship.
 
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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #4  July 21,2009, 9:17pm

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Mangosteen wrote :
hi there. i think what you did was not bad -- sometimes it's hard to ask for numbers on the spot. i do tend to agree with you friend in saying that if she were interested, i'd think she'd have called to say thanks. if you want to be the eternal optimist, you could think maybe she didn't know who they were from / didn't connect you to the name on the card. however, at this point it's probably just a waiting game. good luck!
Well, I took a shot. Maybe I could have waited, but I didn't want to. I've waited in the past to ask someone out and by that time they were with someone else. I hope to hear from her, but if she doesn't call me then I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
 
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NiceGuysFinishFirst is offline NiceGuysFinishFirst Post #5  July 21,2009, 9:19pm

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Reluctantdater wrote :
In my experience with waitresses and bartenders, they are consistently "hit on" by guys throughout their day. Most have a good attitude about it, as they are looking for tips. Rarely have I heard from waitresses or bartenders that they actually give out their number to a patron. Most of the time it is just stringing along and playing it nice just to keep the person coming back and getting tips.

Having said that I have dated waitresses and bartenders a lot in the past. However, I would say that it took in most cases at least three months of regular visiting before I built up sufficient rapport to get a number and ask for a date. Usually my routine is to start up a casual conversation--most waitresses and bartenders are doing that to support something else like school or acting or writing--I usually try to find some common interest. Then at the end I introduce myself and tell them that it was nice chatting with them. I'll come back at around the same time and share some funny story or discuss other things. Eventually, I know that the girl has interest in me when she tells me the next time she is going to be scheduled to work. The next time I come I see her and ask for her facebook or e-mail address and take the relationship from there. The point is to make yourself distinctive in their eyes. Just being some random drunk who is hitting on her, when she gets hit on all the time, is not going to do it for you. You really have to build trust and rapport first.

So my opinion is that you took things too fast. She does not know you well enough to feel invested in you anymore than any other patron who has interest in her. I think the flowers were too much. I've never bought a girl flowers and it's never gotten in the way of me starting a relationship.
Maybe. Whatever happens will happen.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  July 21,2009, 9:35pm
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Reluctantdater wrote :
In my experience with waitresses and bartenders, they are consistently "hit on" by guys throughout their day. .

Having said that I have dated waitresses and bartenders a lot in the past. However, I would say that it took in most cases at least three months of regular visiting before I built up sufficient rapport to get a number and ask for a date.

So my opinion is that you took things too fast. She does not know you well enough to feel invested in you anymore than any other patron who has interest in her. I think the flowers were too much. I've never bought a girl flowers and it's never gotten in the way of me starting a relationship.



I have never waitressed. But any man who would give me his number for me to call him would have a pretty long wait! Even if he did include flowers. I would be far more likely to wait for you to come in again (if you did) and thank you in person, not mentioning the number.

At this point, I think your best bet is to go back in, perhaps at some less busy time, be sure to sit in her section, tell her you didn't mean to embarass her, but you are interested in her, and you'd like to take her out sometime. That will certainly distinguish you from the other customers, and likely gain her respect.

Good luck.
 
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Jedi_Scout is offline Jedi_Scout Post #7  July 21,2009, 10:51pm
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Reluctantdater wrote :
In my experience with waitresses and bartenders, they are consistently "hit on" by guys throughout their day. Most have a good attitude about it, as they are looking for tips. Rarely have I heard from waitresses or bartenders that they actually give out their number to a patron. Most of the time it is just stringing along and playing it nice just to keep the person coming back and getting tips.
That's generally what I've found with waitresses and their customers. I've dated one waitress where I was a regular but it was a bad experience. -Her coworkers were in our business and her manager even felt free to talk to me as if I was one of her employees instead of a paying customer. In the end, I stopped going to the restaurant and having anything to do with the girl.

If you like a place, do not become closely involved with the waitstaff. If you're successful and get the girl to date you, it becomes awkward as a customer and if you're not, it becomes uncomfortable to repeatedly see the person with whom it didn't work.

The flowers thing was sweet and thoughtful but it was over the top. People get nervous when the attention is excessive. There's a joke about this kind of thing. -What's the difference between a guy being persistent and a guy being a stalker? Answer: Whether the girl likes him...
 
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Oregon_Coast_Guy is offline Oregon_Coast_Guy Post #8  July 22,2009, 1:02am
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I'm sorry man, but buying her flowers is just plain creepy.

Don't hit on waitresses while they are working. I've known waitresses and bartenders and nothing annoys them more than some jerk guy who doesn't realize that she is working and trying to make money. Think about it: how would you feel if some random person off the street came up to you while you were busy at work and started hitting on you?

The rule of thumb is to never hit on a girl in her workplace. This includes places like fast-food lines, check-out lines, bank lines, restaurants/bars. You just need to hope that you run into her somewhere that is outside of her workplace. Otherwise, just let them go.
 
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drwill911 is offline drwill911 Post #9  July 22,2009, 1:38am
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No one wants to be hit on at work unless they are mutually interested.

Harassment, sexual or otherwise, simply means the person does not want to be bothered by unwanted attention.

There is nothing worse than being nice to someone who interprets nice as an inviation to get naked.

The fact that she did not call to thank you for your flowers means that she did not want to encourage you any further.

Calling you would have given you an opportunity to ask her out. It is clear that she is not interested.

Additionally, your note to her boss now looks like a ploy to gain favor and indicates to her that you are dishonest and maybe untrustworthy.

The only thing that you have working in your favor is she WILL tell her friends about what you did and they may talk her into ignoring her own instincts and call you.

If you plan to eat at that resturant again, I would never say more than hello or thank-you to her if she serves you. Let her bring up the subject.

If you want to ask me a question directly, join me on my eharmony group "Ask Dr Will" under relationships.
 
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rix is offline rix Post #10  July 22,2009, 2:24am
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Oregon_Coast_Guy wrote :
I'm sorry man, but buying her flowers is just plain creepy.

Yep...she freaked!!! I know your intentions were good, but sending flowers too soon usually has an adverse effect. Also, I agree that bartenders and waitresses are constantly hit on. Therefore, it is usually best to hang out for awhile and build rapport. In the meantime, I suggest finding other venues for trolling.
 
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