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gtp gtp is offline
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gtp "An Angel who did not so much Fall as Saunter Vaguely Downwards"

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So random question, but do you tend to be more or less selective when you're deciding whether to date someone?

I'm not talking about things that might legitimately be called deal breakers like issues re: children, smoking, drug used, etc.

I'm curious more about things like height, weight, political beliefs, shared interests/activities, etc.

The reason I ask is that I find that when I first started dating I would go out with someone just b/c they were nice and I was attracted to them. I didn't really bother thinking about whether we were compatible on deeper levels, it was enough that we had fun together.

But now I find myself becoming a lot more selective. I'm sure you have to chalk it up to wear and tear to some extent - I mean who wants to go from relationship to relationship without any indication that the time and emotion you invest initially might actually pay off down the line?

Of course if you're too selective then you risk losing out on great potential relationships just because initially it didn't look like you had that much in common.

But I've also noticed how many people get into relationships and are moderately happy and so they settle down (perhaps the key word there being settle), and they don't seem to have found the person who really meshes well with them. Sure you could probably find a guy or girl that you'd be happy with, but will that relationship be the best one you could ever have?

Anyway, not sure if this makes sense, but I was just wondering how selective people are before they are willing to date someone? Thoughts?
- July 21st, 2009, 03:33 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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I have historically been very open.

Unfortunately, I have learned that attraction never appears if it is not present, and I do not consider a relationship advisable without attraction.

Beliefs and such, I don’t really care (I care a lot about how well she orders her thoughts, and discussions about beliefs can bring that sort of thing out.)

Interests are minimally important – they mainly seem of value in having something to mention about someone profile. Lifestyle, goals, I find very important.
- July 21st, 2009, 03:54 pm
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D_Lion D_Lion is offline
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gtp wrote :
Sure you could probably find a guy or girl that you'd be happy with, but will that relationship be the best one you could ever have?

I question the wisdom of this.

One can wait so long, for someone “better,” that they either fail entirely to find such a person, or they miss out on much of life (especially a concern for family-oriented people.)

Also, this strategy presupposes an ability to make a correct judgment about who will make us happy; something people do not appear able to do.
- July 21st, 2009, 03:58 pm
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DancingFool DancingFool is offline
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If anything I find that the more life experience I have, the more open I become.

What I've learned is that things like interests, hobbies, etc. at the end of the day are passing things and ultimately not that important.

What makes a relationship happy or easy going are much more mundane things like daily habits, desired levels of order and cleanliness in the house, the capacity to give each other personal space, similar life goals and values, the capacity to tolerate each other's lesser qualities, etc.

In short, whether we both like to fish or not is not as important as agreeing on the same standard of living and mutually doing what it takes to accomplish it.
- July 21st, 2009, 04:17 pm
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redevil999 redevil999 is offline
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When I was younger, I, like you, dated whomever I thought would be fun. Although I still consider myself to be open, I'm looking at very different characteristics now.

Now I look for certain core qualities, such as honesty, loyalty and communication.

I don't care what his hobbies are (unless they take him to different locals and we wouldn't be able to spend much time together because of them), with the exception of reading.

I won't date someone who doesn't read. Most of our knowledge comes from experiencing things or reading about situations, etc. that you can't or haven't experienced. I find that people who don't read, do not typically have the qualities I'm looking for. For me it's a dead giveaway.

I am also not interested in dating someone who has never been in love before. If they don't understand what they could be losing and what that loss feels like, I find they don't work as hard at a relationship.

I don't do "do-overs". I work hard at relationships and once I've left, it's because I'm done. I won't get back into one because someone just realized they were in love with me and they are in pain over the loss and now say they are willing to work at it. I've done that before when I was younger and I won't do it anymore.

BTW, good topic.
Last edited by redevil999; July 21st, 2009 at 04:38 pm.
- July 21st, 2009, 04:35 pm
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Let me see if I got this right. When going after someone to date (exclusively, in my case) would I be more or less picky about the details? You mentioned height, weight, and political beliefs- I’ve got to warn you, those are absolute *lightening rods* if you get more specific about them around here- but I’m taking it as "are you more inclined to reject someone if their details don’t mesh well with yours." That is a rather open ended question, but I’ll try and stick an answer in there that more-or-less fits.

I happen to be a highly picky person when it comes to dating. Yes, I have high standards. Irrationally high, considering "what I have to offer," but that aside. *grin* I haven’t found attraction to be lacking- generally I won’t approach someone I don’t find attractive (and I have no problem with being approached- doesn’t happen often). What does let me down (other than my personal deal breakers which can be found in that thread "what are your deal breakers" *grin*) is most often what I’d call social compatibility. I used to be more open- like many of us here- but now I’m not so much. I can’t spend time with someone I cannot talk to and enjoy it, and if I am continually not enjoying it time after time- even if we are compatible in so many other ways- I can’t continue. Oh drat, that might be a dealbreaker as well…

Hm. Difficult question. I do notice that now I don’t just jump at the chance to date nice, beautiful girls- I would say I am more inclined to search for a deeper connection as well. Translate the full quote that Carpe Diem is short for sometime, and it will probably explain this better than simply "beauty fades." Casual dating has never been my thing, but I have been known to be spontaneous. Now, though, I find it harder to have that feeling of contentment without having the trust that comes from shared experiences.

But things like height and weight haven’t been an issue, yet. I’ve not met any six foot eight bombshells who really caught my interest (mainly due to lack of tall girls in my area), but I have asked out several short women before. I’ve only rejected on political beliefs (kinda) once- and that was because the lady in question *could* not articulate farther than essentially "because the news guys say so." If she had an actual opinion we could have been fine, but sadly not.

I realize having "high" standards keeps me alone. But I am cool with that! Loneliness suc- stinks, a whole lot. But I’d rather be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship, so I try to keep an open mind while I’m thinking "nope, another smoker. nope, another druggie. nope, *married!* yep, still single…"

Truthfully, I haven’t met any eligible women *in person* who get past my deal-breakers in a while, so perhaps this would be a better question for those who have dated someone more recently than six years ago. *grin*
- July 21st, 2009, 04:45 pm
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I've asked a similiar question before and was called "superficial", one of my friend calls me so too. I'm tall, so I do require the guy at least 5'8". I've a master degree, so my bottom line is college degree. I don't have baggage, so I don't want to date anyone with children. that's my dealbreakers. I do agree that those are "superficial" standards and I was warned to focus more on "core" stuff. yes, I will, only after a guy meet my minimum standards. well,I've gone thru experiences when I let go my "superficial standards" and end up getting hurt badly in a "never-will-work" relationship. If you've to have those superficial standards to be happy, stick to them. find someone who's at same level as you're, that's why they're called "good matches"
- July 21st, 2009, 05:02 pm
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Drexel09 Drexel09 is offline
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My ex-girlfriend told me I was the "perfect" guy for her then dumped me 6 months later.....I guess she was being selective..
- July 21st, 2009, 05:03 pm
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treeye wrote :
I've asked a similiar question before and was called "superficial", one of my friend calls me so too. I'm tall, so I do require the guy at least 5'8". I've a master degree, so my bottom line is college degree. I don't have baggage, so I don't want to date anyone with children. that's my dealbreakers. I do agree that those are "superficial" standards and I was warned to focus more on "core" stuff. yes, I will, only after a guy meet my minimum standards. well,I've gone thru experiences when I let go my "superficial standards" and end up getting hurt badly in a "never-will-work" relationship. If you've to have those superficial standards to be happy, stick to them. find someone who's at same level as you're, that's why they're called "good matches"
I know you probably didn't mean it that way...but you have insulted some of the most sexiest men on the boards (that I have had the pleasure to know...based on their posts and cyber friendship) that have children and/or are single parents when you call children baggage...not to mention 50% of the women on the boards.

Baggage to me is unresolved emotional issues dealing with exes or yourself.Children may be part of those issues, but they are most certainly not to be construed as part of people's baggage.

I 'get' what you may be trying to say...and I respect that. However, I have a B.S in Psych, two Masters degrees in Education, and just finishing up an Ed.D...and never judge men by their amount of education. I always find that people that think they have it going on, usually pall in the face of those of us that actually do have it going on (no offense to you...just a thought)

But..as I always say...to each his/her own....all I'm saying is if you stick around on the boards long enough you will meet some of the best men you may ever encounter in your life that are single fathers. To "x" out an entire group of men may limit your dating pool severely..

(thoughts from a woman that has been married...has 4 children...all grown now except for a 14y/o,,,,that has been engaged twice since my divorce....I'm just sayin'....)
- July 21st, 2009, 05:28 pm
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gtp gtp is offline
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Hmm, you make some good points Legend, but I think the difference b/n your opinion and Treeye's may largely be semantic. Maybe using the term "baggage" regarding children isn't appropriate. But I doubt Treeye's concerns have anything to do with the mental health of the single dad or their children, but instead just focusing on the issue that a man who already has children (no matter how truly stellar he may be) puts his prospective SO in the position of having to deal with children - something she may very much not want to do (myself squarely in that category).

And to address other posters comments about the relevance of considering activities/hobbies/interests, my concern over that is largely based on what I see in the marriages within my own family. My mom for instance loves the outdoors, so she and my dad bought an RV so that they could go camping and so forth. The problem is that my mom can't get my dad out of the RV (literally) the entire weekend. She gets so frustrated b/c he won't go canoeing with her b/c he can't swim or b/c rowing is hard, he won't go walking b/c his knees hurt, he won't go outside much b/c it's too hot, and the list goes on.

I just realize that, as I am a very physical/outdoorsy/active person, I would go crazy if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone who not only wouldn't do those things with me but ultimately kept me from doing those things b/c he got upset everytime I did them without him. Plus, I'm looking for a life partner - someone I can do things with throughout our lives. A relationship doesn't seem so appealing if you each have distinctily different interests and don't get to do much together. Doing an activity with someone I love whether it be something like ballroom dancing or martial arts or hiking or swimming or whatever is always ten times better than either doing it by myself or god forbid - doing it when my SO makes me feel guilty about it. (intentionally or otherwise) Is it wrong to want to date someone who shares at least some of these activities? (and obviously I don't want a clone - I'd hope he would have interests he could open me up to as well!)
- July 21st, 2009, 05:50 pm
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