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IcecreamMoon IcecreamMoon is offline
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IcecreamMoon Nothing to see here at all...

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Reluctantdater wrote :
Hello everyone this is my first post!

I skimmed what the OP had to write and I skimmed some of the responses and I must say this is truly a new perspective for me. My parents have been married for over thirty years and neither of them share the same hobbies. My father likes to read and socialize with neighbors, my mother likes to knit, garden and socialize with her sisters. In fact the only time they are together is when they rent a movie, which is frequently, or go to the movies. I imagine they are happily married and I don't remember any great schisms growing up. Neither of the two is romantic, we sort of force them to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays or at least we plan and initiate them. Actually growing up my siblings and I were their hobbies. So I write this just to provide some perspective as to where I'm coming from prefacing my response to the original poster.

My parents I guess come from an old school of thought where the purpose of marriage was specifically to raise a family. The purpose was not some romantic notion, I'm marrying my best friend or I'm marrying my activity partner or I'm marrying my stand-up routine. And I certainly don't believe there was this expectation that the two were going to be attached to the hip at all times.

Coming from that background I know I need a girl who has her own life and her own separate group of friends. I don't believe in this "My wife is my best friend," idea. I have a best friend while he is married I am not. When we go out his wife never joins us, nor do we want her to. When she goes out my friend does not join her. They do have date night every Saturday night--they don't have kids yet, I suspect once they do I'll be the baby sitter on date night.

Also because I believe that the purpose of marriage is to have kids, I tend to look for those qualities in a woman--the capacity and interest in raising a child with me. This does not mean that I expect her to not have a career, but I expect her to place her family before her career just as I expect to do.

This whole idea of shared interests, I think is overrated. Am I wrong?

No, I don't think there is a Right or Left or Wrong fomula here, PROVIDED you have a like-minded partner, who shares your views on marriage. Your parents are, obviously, a perfect example of this strategy working for both of them and your family as a unit.

Personally, I'm positive this strategy could never work for me.
If I ever get married, it will only be to my most Trusted Best Friend. I, quite simply, would not be able to co-exist with someone who wasn't, without changing who I am. And, without sounding arrogant, I quite like who I am, and even dare hope to become better with time (just like good wine should) .

As much as I value all of my very special friends (male and female), and as much as I like sharing my thoughts with them in private, unmonitored conversations, it would break my heart if we could not occasionally get together with our partners as well, for some fun, laughter and intelligent conversations.

But that's just me. Whatever works for each of us, without hurting others, is all Good and Right in my book.
- July 21st, 2009, 11:08 pm
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Glimflicker Glimflicker is offline
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I think that having a core of shared interests and activities is vital for my happiness in a relationship, so I do filter women based on interests. I don't want her to share each and every interest that I have, but I cannot get enough time in the water. If she absolutely abhors going to the lake and participating in my continued attempts at drowning, it's simply not going to work.

As far as height and weight are concerned, I simply need to feel attracted to my partner. There have been obvious patterns from the women that I've dated, but there's no real science to it. I am 6'1" and have dated women whose heights range from 4'10" to 6'. Finding somebody with similar interests has always made weight a non-issue, so I can't really comment there.

Discussing political and religious views is always fascinating to me. As a Christian, I look for a partner that is also Christian to share my faith with--but that's the only real filter I have. I keep a very open mind in these areas, so as long as she can discuss her views and respect mine, I'm good.

The bottom line is essentially the same thing that Shads said. It's virtually impossible to tell from somebody's profile and a few conversations whether or not we are actually a good match. I will date a woman without knowing whether or not she truly meets my criteria, but I will no longer pursue the relationship once any of the criteria are obviously not met.
- July 22nd, 2009, 11:35 am
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Dafearon Dafearon is offline
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I'm not selective AT ALL. I do have preferences, but its unlikely that one person will EVER fill all my preferences, so i don;t even try in that aspect. I take every person I date as a whole new slate.

Example. I hate smoking. But as much as I hate smoking, I have to meet this person to see if who she is will eclipse the fact that she smokes. I've met several people who smoked who i found extremely attractive. Not many, but some.

For me, the key component, the only key component is this. Will this person let me be me. If the answer is yes, then thats all I really need to give it a shot. If no, then see ya later, because no one controls me, or even tries to without consequence.
- July 22nd, 2009, 02:31 pm
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Raw_Truth Raw_Truth is offline
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My newest deal breaker is NO DOGS. This is unfortunate, as many single gals in my age range (late 20s - late 30s) have dogs. No matter, it's a 100% deal breaker; too much diversion, too much work, too much substitution.
- July 22nd, 2009, 04:25 pm
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Benevolence32 Benevolence32 is offline
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Everyones a little selective and won't budge on some issues but I fervently remain open minded about most things. The more things you expect the harder it is to find someone and there's only so many single people out there statistically.

Just because you date someone doesn't mean you have to marry them or even sleep with them so why not get out there and meet all sorts of different people. A lot of younger people don't even know themselves fully so you might even realize the type of person you're compatible with.
- July 22nd, 2009, 04:54 pm
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