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D_Lion D_Lion is online now
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Well said, Meri.
- July 21st, 2009, 08:27 pm
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Wootz Wootz is offline
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gtp wrote :
snipped for space, not a misquote! *grin*
gtp wrote :

I just realize that, as I am a very physical/outdoorsy/active person, I would go crazy if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone who not only wouldn't do those things with me but ultimately kept me from doing those things b/c he got upset everytime I did them without him. Plus, I'm looking for a life partner - someone I can do things with throughout our lives. A relationship doesn't seem so appealing if you each have distinctily different interests and don't get to do much together. Doing an activity with someone I love whether it be something like ballroom dancing or martial arts or hiking or swimming or whatever is always ten times better than either doing it by myself or god forbid - doing it when my SO makes me feel guilty about it. (intentionally or otherwise) Is it wrong to want to date someone who shares at least some of these activities? (and obviously I don't want a clone - I'd hope he would have interests he could open me up to as well!)
Now that’s a healthy attitude I can agree with. I understand the issue with the parent’s incompatible interests all too well. I wouldn’t want that for myself. Personally, I like to share some aspects of my life (no clones for me either- that would be scary!), but I need *me* time as well. I’ve found it works well (in past relationships) to have things we generally do separate, but not necessarily always and vice versa. When the ex and I danced, we rarely danced with others- if you know East Coast Swing, that might give you a clue as to why *grin* - but most often we had time set aside for separate interests and friends.

She played bass in a local band, and I didn’t groupie or hang about in practices. That was her time. Likewise, she didn’t hang on me while I was reading or road tripping (though I wouldn’t have minded, now and again). But hiking together and taking pictures together when we went on trips absolutely rocked. *grin* I want something like that again- not the exact same thing, but that easy companionship. Not guilt trips or nagging, either one. Share enough interests to enjoy together, have enough separate to keep growing- that’s what I want out of a relationship. Well, *part* of what I want. *grin*
- July 21st, 2009, 08:28 pm
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The activity/interest to me doesn't really matter; what does is whether I enjoy being in his presence and how I feel w/ him. Nor is it so much about having "fun;" it's about the enjoyment of being together and how we interact and relate to one another as a couple.

What matters most to me is how genuine, reliable, trustworthy, respectful, and honest he is and if we speak the same "language" and understand one another.

It really comes down to core values and lifestyle choices; the particulars and specifics, such as religion, political views, his education, job title, don't matter. Who he is at his core does.

Sincerity, confidence, and charisma attract me. Inner qualities, not a "list" of external superficial ones.
- July 21st, 2009, 08:31 pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Not to mention the accidents ...


Look at all the stories I have to tell!
- July 21st, 2009, 08:54 pm
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gtp wrote :
Is it wrong to want to date someone who shares at least some of these activities? (and obviously I don't want a clone - I'd hope he would have interests he could open me up to as well!)
I think it's smart to have some shared interests. Obviously both people need personal space but they should have some common interests or at least a willingness to take part in activities the other person likes.

I look at my parents and the two have no common interests so it makes for a very weird unhealthy dynamic. My mother never wants to do anything by herself and my father has no interest in her activities so either he goes along grumbling all the way or he refuses to go and she doesn't go because she doesn't want to be alone. My father's activities don't interest my mother at all but she sometimes tags along so she's not stuck at home by herself. It's sad.

I do use the activities that people list as part of the criteria for whether I want to date them. There are things I have a limited interest in / no interest in and it's kind of pointless to go out with someone who has made X their main activity when you have little interest in it or would be resistant to trying it.

I do the same with politics, religion, etc. If the person is extreme politically or religiously, I know I'm just going to be in for an endless amount of conflict so I cut them.
- July 21st, 2009, 09:19 pm
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Hello everyone this is my first post!

I skimmed what the OP had to write and I skimmed some of the responses and I must say this is truly a new perspective for me. My parents have been married for over thirty years and neither of them share the same hobbies. My father likes to read and socialize with neighbors, my mother likes to knit, garden and socialize with her sisters. In fact the only time they are together is when they rent a movie, which is frequently, or go to the movies. I imagine they are happily married and I don't remember any great schisms growing up. Neither of the two is romantic, we sort of force them to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays or at least we plan and initiate them. Actually growing up my siblings and I were their hobbies. So I write this just to provide some perspective as to where I'm coming from prefacing my response to the original poster.

My parents I guess come from an old school of thought where the purpose of marriage was specifically to raise a family. The purpose was not some romantic notion, I'm marrying my best friend or I'm marrying my activity partner or I'm marrying my stand-up routine. And I certainly don't believe there was this expectation that the two were going to be attached to the hip at all times.

Coming from that background I know I need a girl who has her own life and her own separate group of friends. I don't believe in this "My wife is my best friend," idea. I have a best friend while he is married I am not. When we go out his wife never joins us, nor do we want her to. When she goes out my friend does not join her. They do have date night every Saturday night--they don't have kids yet, I suspect once they do I'll be the baby sitter on date night.

Also because I believe that the purpose of marriage is to have kids, I tend to look for those qualities in a woman--the capacity and interest in raising a child with me. This does not mean that I expect her to not have a career, but I expect her to place her family before her career just as I expect to do.

This whole idea of shared interests, I think is overrated. Am I wrong?
- July 21st, 2009, 09:47 pm
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IcecreamMoon IcecreamMoon is offline
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Wootz wrote :
[center]

Now that’s a healthy attitude I can agree with. I understand the issue with the parent’s incompatible interests all too well. I wouldn’t want that for myself. Personally, I like to share some aspects of my life (no clones for me either- that would be scary!), but I need *me* time as well. I’ve found it works well (in past relationships) to have things we generally do separate, but not necessarily always and vice versa. When the ex and I danced, we rarely danced with others- if you know East Coast Swing, that might give you a clue as to why *grin* - but most often we had time set aside for separate interests and friends.

She played bass in a local band, and I didn’t groupie or hang about in practices. That was her time. Likewise, she didn’t hang on me while I was reading or road tripping (though I wouldn’t have minded, now and again). But hiking together and taking pictures together when we went on trips absolutely rocked. *grin* I want something like that again- not the exact same thing, but that easy companionship. Not guilt trips or nagging, either one. Share enough interests to enjoy together, have enough separate to keep growing- that’s what I want out of a relationship. Well, *part* of what I want. *grin*

Care to share the rest of it, Wootz?
- July 21st, 2009, 10:07 pm
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IcecreamMoon IcecreamMoon is offline
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D_Lion wrote :
Well said, Meri.

You Greatly Enjoy wearing your Fair Frog tiara, dontcha?
Fits Comfortably Well?
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 21st, 2009 at 10:20 pm. Reason: even if you do taste like un-spiced & under-cooked chicken sometimes... :)
- July 21st, 2009, 10:19 pm
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gtp wrote :
So random question, but do you tend to be more or less selective when you're deciding whether to date someone?

I'm not talking about things that might legitimately be called deal breakers like issues re: children, smoking, drug used, etc.

I'm curious more about things like height, weight, political beliefs, shared interests/activities, etc.

The reason I ask is that I find that when I first started dating I would go out with someone just b/c they were nice and I was attracted to them. I didn't really bother thinking about whether we were compatible on deeper levels, it was enough that we had fun together.

But now I find myself becoming a lot more selective. I'm sure you have to chalk it up to wear and tear to some extent - I mean who wants to go from relationship to relationship without any indication that the time and emotion you invest initially might actually pay off down the line?

Of course if you're too selective then you risk losing out on great potential relationships just because initially it didn't look like you had that much in common.

But I've also noticed how many people get into relationships and are moderately happy and so they settle down (perhaps the key word there being settle), and they don't seem to have found the person who really meshes well with them. Sure you could probably find a guy or girl that you'd be happy with, but will that relationship be the best one you could ever have?

Anyway, not sure if this makes sense, but I was just wondering how selective people are before they are willing to date someone? Thoughts?

Well, I'll date someone that I am interested in, but if I find that she does not meet my criteria I will call it quits. I do not 'settle' just to be with someone.
- July 21st, 2009, 10:37 pm
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Ditto Shads!
- July 21st, 2009, 10:50 pm
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