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Mr_Right Mr_Right is online now
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gtp wrote :
So random question, but do you tend to be more or less selective when you're deciding whether to date someone?

I'm not talking about things that might legitimately be called deal breakers like issues re: children, smoking, drug used, etc.

I'm curious more about things like height, weight, political beliefs, shared interests/activities, etc.

The reason I ask is that I find that when I first started dating I would go out with someone just b/c they were nice and I was attracted to them. I didn't really bother thinking about whether we were compatible on deeper levels, it was enough that we had fun together.

But now I find myself becoming a lot more selective. I'm sure you have to chalk it up to wear and tear to some extent - I mean who wants to go from relationship to relationship without any indication that the time and emotion you invest initially might actually pay off down the line?

Of course if you're too selective then you risk losing out on great potential relationships just because initially it didn't look like you had that much in common.

But I've also noticed how many people get into relationships and are moderately happy and so they settle down (perhaps the key word there being settle), and they don't seem to have found the person who really meshes well with them. Sure you could probably find a guy or girl that you'd be happy with, but will that relationship be the best one you could ever have?

Anyway, not sure if this makes sense, but I was just wondering how selective people are before they are willing to date someone? Thoughts?
I would say back when I was starting to date, I was fairly open, and would date just about anybody who met basic criteria. After a few dates, I wised up quickly, and really started qualifying my dates.

I had some pretty high standards, if I do say so myself. But then again, I think I'm a pretty darn good catch too. Tall, dimpled, handsome, has a job, gets along great with the family, and so forth. Yep. So that's why I had those standards, plus I was always aiming high too.

I think part of the problem is that you and I and a lot of others are classic maximizers. Why be happy with 91% happiness when you can have 95%. Plus online dating feeds into that maximizing mindset.

You should try to date people who you think you're compatible with in the long term.

And also, everybody settles. You just have to see if you can accept that settling.
- July 21st, 2009, 05:50 pm
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I don't want to go back to the fierce discussion of my "superficiality" again. I'm superficial and I admit that.

It's about personal choice, it's about what suits whom. If you, at your age and with your standards, want to date/ marry a sexy guy with children and two jobs, it's your choice. I've tried. it's not working for me. and I'm not very desperate right now to date just anyone

legend29 wrote :
I know you probably didn't mean it that way...but you have insulted some of the most sexiest men on the boards (that I have had the pleasure to know...based on their posts and cyber friendship) that have children and/or are single parents when you call children baggage...not to mention 50% of the women on the boards.

Baggage to me is unresolved emotional issues dealing with exes or yourself.Children may be part of those issues, but they are most certainly not to be construed as part of people's baggage.

I 'get' what you may be trying to say...and I respect that. However, I have a B.S in Psych, two Masters degrees in Education, and just finishing up an Ed.D...and never judge men by their amount of education. I always find that people that think they have it going on, usually pall in the face of those of us that actually do have it going on (no offense to you...just a thought)

But..as I always say...to each his/her own....all I'm saying is if you stick around on the boards long enough you will meet some of the best men you may ever encounter in your life that are single fathers. To "x" out an entire group of men may limit your dating pool severely..

(thoughts from a woman that has been married...has 4 children...all grown now except for a 14y/o,,,,that has been engaged twice since my divorce....I'm just sayin'....)
- July 21st, 2009, 05:54 pm
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I don't think I would call it selective, but rather a conscious choice. I have no particular appearance/build in mind now, but I do know there has to be some chemistry. If I don't want to kiss him, it's not going to work. He also has to be clean, somewhat organized, reliable, an intelligent conversationalist, and fun/sense of humor that blends with mine. Those you can figure out during a first date.

The rest depends on the individual - you can't generalize with a mental list and check off or cross out as time goes on. People can surprise you if you are open to learning about them. You have to be realistic and conscious of the correlation between actions, reactions, values, and beliefs. Sometimes you give things up you thought you wanted for the things you see are more important. For example, men are somewhat expected to be able to work on cars, fix roofs, adjust the snowblower. If I find out he's not so inclined, its not a dealbreaker. I expect him to know things and know how to get these things done - what he thinks the problem is, who we can call, if we're over-quoted. I don't expect him to have a "whatever" attitude, or be lazy.

I've only been on this board a few weeks and am sad to see how many of us are single. For some it's a twist of life and others just haven't found the one. I hope we grow with each passing relationship and don't find things to sabotage a future relationship because we are really scared of things not working out, again, and finding it safer in our own world.
- July 21st, 2009, 05:57 pm
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I'm fairly open as far as choosing who I go on a date or two with, but I'm more picky as far as taking it past the first couple of weeks.

If I've been seeing someone and they're doing something I don't like, I'm a lot quicker to say "You know what? You're not going to change and I'm not going to ask you to, so what do you say we call it quits."

I'm just too old and been through too much crap to put up with the drama anymore.
- July 21st, 2009, 07:04 pm
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gtp wrote :
Hmm, you make some good points Legend, but I think the difference b/n your opinion and Treeye's may largely be semantic. Maybe using the term "baggage" regarding children isn't appropriate. But I doubt Treeye's concerns have anything to do with the mental health of the single dad or their children, but instead just focusing on the issue that a man who already has children (no matter how truly stellar he may be) puts his prospective SO in the position of having to deal with children - something she may very much not want to do (myself squarely in that category).

And to address other posters comments about the relevance of considering activities/hobbies/interests, my concern over that is largely based on what I see in the marriages within my own family. My mom for instance loves the outdoors, so she and my dad bought an RV so that they could go camping and so forth. The problem is that my mom can't get my dad out of the RV (literally) the entire weekend. She gets so frustrated b/c he won't go canoeing with her b/c he can't swim or b/c rowing is hard, he won't go walking b/c his knees hurt, he won't go outside much b/c it's too hot, and the list goes on.

I just realize that, as I am a very physical/outdoorsy/active person, I would go crazy if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone who not only wouldn't do those things with me but ultimately kept me from doing those things b/c he got upset everytime I did them without him. Plus, I'm looking for a life partner - someone I can do things with throughout our lives. A relationship doesn't seem so appealing if you each have distinctily different interests and don't get to do much together. Doing an activity with someone I love whether it be something like ballroom dancing or martial arts or hiking or swimming or whatever is always ten times better than either doing it by myself or god forbid - doing it when my SO makes me feel guilty about it. (intentionally or otherwise) Is it wrong to want to date someone who shares at least some of these activities? (and obviously I don't want a clone - I'd hope he would have interests he could open me up to as well!)
Point taken!....I guess I am coming from a world where my parents seemed to mesh well, which often skews my perceptions from a personal level.

I apologize if I offended...it just really ires me when women (and men) have such long lists of MH/CS and seem to be living in the past. We are not whom we think we are anymore. We are not in our 20's..and thus adjustments must be made.

It is the nane of the game..IMO...
- July 21st, 2009, 07:24 pm
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treeye wrote :
I don't want to go back to the fierce discussion of my "superficiality" again. I'm superficial and I admit that.

It's about personal choice, it's about what suits whom. If you, at your age and with your standards, want to date/ marry a sexy guy with children and two jobs, it's your choice. I've tried. it's not working for me. and I'm not very desperate right now to date just anyone
No problem....I saw that..just trying to offer a different perspective that might be helpful.

Live and let live I always say...Happy Hunting!
- July 21st, 2009, 07:25 pm
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gtp wrote :
... A relationship doesn't seem so appealing if you each have distinctily different interests and don't get to do much together. Doing an activity with someone I love whether it be something like ballroom dancing or martial arts or hiking or swimming or whatever is always ten times better than either doing it by myself or god forbid - doing it when my SO makes me feel guilty about it. (intentionally or otherwise) Is it wrong to want to date someone who shares at least some of these activities? (and obviously I don't want a clone - I'd hope he would have interests he could open me up to as well!)
I understand what you're saying about wanting to have some similar interests. I would (and do) look for someone who enjoys physical activity. I also look for someone who is open to trying new things. This would lead me to believe that they would be willing to try out some of my activities as I would be willing to try theirs.

I believe most people's hobbies come from their environment and what they are exposed to early on. Just because they aren't currently enjoying the activity, doesn't mean they won't. I guess what I'm saying is that I look for the broader characteristic rather than a specific interest. I've been active in different physical activities over the years, but always being active is consistent.
- July 21st, 2009, 07:50 pm
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redevil999 wrote :
I've been active in different physical activities over the years, but always being active is consistent.

Not to mention the accidents ...
- July 21st, 2009, 07:56 pm
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redevil999 wrote :
I understand what you're saying about wanting to have some similar interests. I would (and do) look for someone who enjoys physical activity. I also look for someone who is open to trying new things. This would lead me to believe that they would be willing to try out some of my activities as I would be willing to try theirs.

I believe most people's hobbies come from their environment and what they are exposed to early on. Just because they aren't currently enjoying the activity, doesn't mean they won't. I guess what I'm saying is that I look for the broader characteristic rather than a specific interest. I've been active in different physical activities over the years, but always being active is consistent.
That's a great way to put it redevil! I would have to agree with you b/c while some activities remain constant, I like trying new things and certain interests wax and wain just like anything else. I guess the factor I should be looking for then is someone who is "outgoing" rather than particular shared interests.

Anyway - thanks to everyone who has posted so far and those yet to post - I just think it's so interesting to see how people decide what is important in a potential SO and what is not.
- July 21st, 2009, 08:22 pm
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For a date, not very selective at all. If I start analyzing every little thing about him for compatibility, I usually end up talking myself out of the date! It's a trait in myself I don't much like - pretty rude to the man too, I think. So, if I accept a date, I try very hard to not do much thinking about it, turn up and try to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
- July 21st, 2009, 08:23 pm
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