MarkInAustin is offline MarkInAustin Post #1  July 21,2009, 10:16am
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took this picture while scuba diving in the Philippines

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I’m a single guy in my early 40’s with a lot to offer a woman. I have a very good job that places me in the upper 2% of US incomes, own a nice house, know how to manage my money, love to travel, love to be out doors, I’m tall, in good shape, and I don’t have any children.

So, what is my dating problem? I think I am too afraid of rejection. I need to be very sure that if I ask a woman out, she will say yes. Unfortunately, most women I meet seem to give out very ambiguous signals (or at least I don’t know how to read them). They are friendly, they smile, they will talk to me, but these are all signs that they are being friendly; they never give me any of the other signs that they are interested in being asked out by me (approaching me, touching my hand, leaning in closer when we are talking, etc.) The only women I have ever gone out with are those that pretty much hit me over the head with their interest in me. I’m usually not all that interested in them, but I go out with them anyway hoping something will develop, but it never does.

I recently got to wondering if maybe I’m just not very good at reading women. Maybe they are interested, and I’m so afraid of being rejected that I don’t take the chance. I’d like to know the experience of the other E-harmony readers here.

Guys, have you ever asked somebody out that was friendly but didn’t show a *lot* of interest, and had them say yes (and actually go out with you?) I put in that last caveat because I have asked out a couple of women who I found really attractive and had them say yes, only to later back out on me before the actual date with lame excuses like “I just started seeing someone and I want to see where that goes.” (Why did they say yes when I asked them out if they were already seeing someone?)

Women, if you are interested in somebody that you know socially (say, from a group of friends, the gym, or a social club), how much interest to you show? Are you shy and don’t always give strong signs, or do you pretty much hold up a sign saying “I’m interested” when you are interested?

I know that I should just take the chance and not worry about the rejection, but I have a hard time with rejection, and I’ve been working on that for a long time with little progress.

Thanks.
Last edited by MarkInAustin; July 21,2009 at 1:12pm. Reason: Deleted garbage characters that somehow got into the post and showed up as smilies
 
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Bearwolf102 is offline Bearwolf102 Post #2  July 21,2009, 10:25am
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MarkInAustin,

Rejection sucks but let me assure you, every rejection teaches you something. Take my advice; ask girls out for coffee to get to know them first. It's none threatening and you will learn a lot about them if you are open to their questions and listen to what they are saying. If after this first "meeting" you want to know them better and feel attracted to them ask them out on a "date". You will find you will make some friends at the very least and if you aren't a cad you will find someone who is into you like you are into them.

Fear is your biggest enemy. Whats the worst thing that can happen in this case? The answer they so no to coffee. Coffee? Well that tells you all you need to know about them not you.

Take heart big guy ask, get rejected, move on ask again.
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #3  July 21,2009, 10:36am
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Assuming ou're a good guy, if a woman rejects you it's her loss, not yours.

There are several ways to deal with fear of rejection. One way is to get the know the woman first before asking her out. "Cold calling" -- that is, asking out women at random without knowing anything more about them other than their physical appearance -- generally yields a high rate of rejection. Women will often say they will not turn down a man who asks them out properly, but they're not going to accept your offer of a date if you don't meet their preferences. Unless you know them, you have no idea what their preferences are. So cold-calling is really a crapshoot.

For men who fear direct rejection, online dating is a great way to meet women. If your profile is good and you make it to the first date, you've at least made it past the initial rejection stage. Remember, it's not just about what you can do for a woman -- she needs to meet your standards too. So work on your confidence, ask out women who are worth asking out, and go from there. Best of luck.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #4  July 21,2009, 10:39am
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[quote=MarkInAustin;681556]
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #5  July 21,2009, 10:46am
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[quote=MarkInAustin;681556]I’m a single guy in my early 40’s with a lot to offer a woman. I have a very good job that places me in the upper 2% of US incomes, own a nice house, know how to manage my money, love to travel, love to be out doors, I’m tall, in good shape, and I don’t have any children.
 
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islandrain80 is offline islandrain80 Post #6  July 21,2009, 10:48am
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Put some of those women in your shoes. Afraid of rejection and to afraid to make a move. They might be interested but not really show it. Both parties could be missing out on something great.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  July 21,2009, 11:02am
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You are right, you don't know how to read women. What you are describing as "just friendly" is actually interest and flirting. What you are describing as "interest" is really desperately coming on to you. Your needing that much reassurance from a woman that she has to throw herself at you is what is allowing the truly interested, but not desperate, ones to pass you by. If there is just a smile, a look, etc. go for it, stop waiting for them to be such a no brainer that you wind up with the worst of the lot.
MarkInAustin wrote :
I’m a single guy in my early 40’s with a lot to offer a woman. I have a very good job that places me in the upper 2% of US incomes, own a nice house, know how to manage my money, love to travel, love to be out doors, I’m tall, in good shape, and I don’t have any children.

So, what is my dating problem? I think I am too afraid of rejection. I need to be very sure that if I ask a woman out, she will say yes. Unfortunately, most women I meet seem to give out very ambiguous signals (or at least I don’t know how to read them). They are friendly, they smile, they will talk to me, but these are all signs that they are being friendly; they never give me any of the other signs that they are interested in being asked out by me (approaching me, touching my hand, leaning in closer when we are talking, etc.) The only women I have ever gone out with are those that pretty much hit me over the head with their interest in me. I’m usually not all that interested in them, but I go out with them anyway hoping something will develop, but it never does.

I recently got to wondering if maybe I’m just not very good at reading women. Maybe they are interested, and I’m so afraid of being rejected that I don’t take the chance. I’d like to know the experience of the other E-harmony readers here.

Guys, have you ever asked somebody out that was friendly but didn’t show a *lot* of interest, and had them say yes (and actually go out with you?) I put in that last caveat because I have asked out a couple of women who I found really attractive and had them say yes, only to later back out on me before the actual date with lame excuses like “I just started seeing someone and I want to see where that goes.” (Why did they say yes when I asked them out if they were already seeing someone?)

Women, if you are interested in somebody that you know socially (say, from a group of friends, the gym, or a social club), how much interest to you show? Are you shy and don’t always give strong signs, or do you pretty much hold up a sign saying “I’m interested” when you are interested?

I know that I should just take the chance and not worry about the rejection, but I have a hard time with rejection, and I’ve been working on that for a long time with little progress.

Thanks.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #8  July 21,2009, 11:25am
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FYI - Confidence is sexy!!!
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #9  July 21,2009, 11:30am
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The only person we can ever truly reject is ourselves. There isn't rejection...just selection. We select our friends, our partners, our jobs, our homes, where we live, what we eat, how we spend our time and our money, etc. Change your perspective.

Before we can ever feel secure and confident w/ another, we must first feel secure and confident w/ ourselves...w/ who we are.

If someone "rejects" me, I don't take it personally. It's a reflection of them and really has nothing to do w/ me. Someone either wants to receive what I have to give, bring, and offer, or they don't.

Act as if and in time it will become real. When you're attracted and interested in someone, ask her out for coffee. If she says no, it really doesn't matter. Ask another. Someone will say yes, go, be yourself, and just enjoy her presence and the conversation.
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #10  July 21,2009, 11:38am
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[quote=MarkInAustin;681556]I’m a single guy in my early 40’s with a lot to offer a woman. I have a very good job that places me in the upper 2% of US incomes, own a nice house, know how to manage my money, love to travel, love to be out doors, I’m tall, in good shape, and I don’t have any children.
 
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