A matter of perspective...


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Emme is offline Emme Post #1  July 20,2009, 7:02pm

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I used to be a fairly active participant on these boards, but the questions and themes never seem to change. Do men like fat women? Will women date bald men? When do I tell him/her I have an STD? How do I handle it if I've been married more than twice? Why doesn't s/he call/email/text more? When should I say I love you and who should say it first? When should I have sex? What if I want to wait till marriage to have sex, is that a deal breaker?

I am almost 48 years old. I have never been married, have no kids. I have a LOT of dating experience. The bottom line to ALL of this is you have to do things if/when they make you comfortable. If you are a bigger person, as am I, you have to decide whether to be upfront about it or present only really flattering photos in the hopes s/he will not get upset when you meet in person. If you have an STD, the responsible thing is to disclose it, no matter how innocuous it seems to be (ie oral herpes or HPV) and let him/her decide if s/.he can handle it. If you find yourself stalking the other person by text/email/phone, the clear answer is that the other person clearly isn't into you as much as you are into him or her. If s/he was as interested, your texts, calls and emails would be returned promptly and happily.

If you are waiting to have sex until you are married, congratulations on sticking to your principles. It can't be easy these days. But many of those you date will not share those principles and this may be a deal breaker. Before you are in danger of having your heart broken by someone with different values, maybe you want to have that discussion.

If you go on a date and you feel NO chemistry, it is a kindness to let the person know that you enjoyed meeting him/her but do not think you make a good match. No need to tell the person s/he lied about how tall s/he us or how much s/heweighs or how much hair s/he has. A polite "no chemistry" is enough. Kindness goes a long way.

Since I've never been married I'm really not the one to be saying this isn't rocket science, but really now, it isn't. You meet someone. You either click after a few dates or you don't. You move on accordingly. You hope someday you find someone whose flaws are compatible with yours (this is my theory - it's not so much what you have in common as it is whether or not your flaws are compatible - you can live with his leaving the toilet seat up and he can live with your squeezing the toothpaste from the middle).

Sometimes I think we spend so much time fretting over every detail that we forget that it's really just about meeting new people. Some you'll desperately never want to see again. Some may turn into lovely friends. Some you may date for a while before realizing it's not going to work and maybe, just maybe, one will mesh wtih you and you can have something real and enjoyable.

Just my 2 cents worth. I try to be fatalistic about things. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm trying to just relax and get by, enjoy the ride. I really can't do much more than that.

Good luck to you all.

Emme
Last edited by Emme; July 20,2009 at 7:33pm.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  July 20,2009, 7:09pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Was there a question in there? If so....my answer is 47. ; )
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #3  July 20,2009, 7:19pm

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Nope, no question. Just haven't been on the boards in a while and notice things haven't changed much so of course I had to open my big mouth. :-)
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  July 20,2009, 7:25pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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That's right....the topics generally don't change....only the names do.
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #5  July 20,2009, 7:28pm

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Any few seem to find a long term relationship. Sigh.
 
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JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #6  July 20,2009, 7:30pm
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wishes she was out in the sunshine.

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Hi Emme,
Sometimes (most of the time) it is a wonderful thing to just put it all out on the table and spill your guts.
Thank you
 
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Emme is offline Emme Post #7  July 20,2009, 7:34pm

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Exactly what is 47, by the way?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #8  July 20,2009, 7:39pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Emme wrote :
Exactly what is 47, by the way?
That's just my random, nonsensical answer to any question.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #9  July 20,2009, 10:12pm
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is Feeling good about life ............................

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I would have to agree that the same general topics come in cycles. I would agree that most of the topics could be handled in just a couple of pages of common sense answers, but we all know that isn't reality. I think there's a variety of reasons for this. Some people do not come here looking for answers but are only looking to vent. You can give common sense answer after common sense answer, and they're not going to want to hear it.

I do think some progress has been made on a few threads. I had a thread on chemistry that hit that subject head on, and I think some understanding was achieved. Not total agreement mind you, but most seemed to be willing to accept different perspectives without feeling the need to label or criticize them. We just recently had a 7 page thread on dating and disabilities that I honestly think achieved some understanding. And even some of the more recent weight threads seemed to accomplish a little more understanding than usual.

Not all has been a success though, I thought the most recent STD threads got off the tracks pretty quickly so not much was accomplished there. When people can get labeled as judgmental and shallow just because they don't want to have sex with someone with an incurable STD then you know you've ended up in politically correct he||. There may have been a successful thread dealing with race and dating, but all the ones I remember didn't go too well. But it is possible to make some progress.

The thing is, to accomplish this level of understanding and to fight through all the myths, defensiveness, insecurities, etc. on these subjects you have to have people who are willing to go in and give honest and direct opinions knowing full well they're going to get the brunt of all the insecurities, etc. thrown at them. You have to be willing to hang in there and keep plugging away with rational and logical answers. If you get frustrated and just start firing back then the thread goes all to #$@#!.

I'm not sure how long or often I'll participate. I'm sure I could be gone for over a year, come back and there would be the same predictable subjects going through the same predictable process of discussion with different people making the same arguments that were already made by countless people since the boards began.

To quote Battlestar Gallactica:

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  July 20,2009, 10:44pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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jayjay wrote :
Was there a question in there? If so....my answer is 47. ; )
The answer fits.
What was the question again?
 
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