Being friends with your ex


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lilsun is offline lilsun Post #1  July 17,2009, 10:12am
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Is this normal? I broke up with someone over 3 months ago and I once told him I could not be friends, but thinking back how things were, I found myself at faults at certain things. He was there to help me after the break-up like taking me to school when my car broke down. He answered my phone calls whenever I called him and acted like a friend would since he wanted to be friends with me. But a lot of things we did together, I still felt very uncomfortable and although my mind kept telling my heart it is okay to be friends, but my heart kept telling me no.

And then whenever he texted me, I felt anxious and nervous...it's like I never really wanted to see him again...and then there's a side of me wanted to be connected and helped me because of what he did for me in the past. I'm not sure what to do, I wanted to be friends, but I am afraid that I will be hurt in the future if he decided to be a part of my circle and actually dates my friends too. But then again, he and I aren't made for each other...we're very different...I admire him a lot still..

Do you usually stay friends with your ex? If you do, do you feel awkward whenever asking for your ex's help? Since we dated each other, both of us knew what we're capable of doing and since I have friends and he said he doesn't have much friends...he never really tells me the reason why he wanted to remain friends..I didn't want to be used because I was very honest to him while dating him. What should I do? Any clues?

Thanks in advance.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 17,2009, 10:48am
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I am in touch (via Facebook) with all of my serious relationship ex's except one. I am very good friends with my most recent ex-boyfriend and still close with his entire family as well.

I don't think it's weird at all.

The only exception for me is one relationship which didn't end well, and I felt that he didn't do right by me during the relationship. I have no desire to be friends with him and he does not seem to mind that. And I do not mind that he does not mind!

In my view, unless it's a bad situation, romantic love doesn't go away, it just changes into friendship. I still care for my ex's and am grateful for the good times we shared.

However I am told I'm weird in that regard, so....
 
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PoliticalChick01 is offline PoliticalChick01 Post #3  July 17,2009, 10:50am
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Ex's are ex's for a reason, and it's best to leave it at that and nothing more.

Honestly, I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriend's except my college boyfriend (who I talk to rarely twice a year) as we run in the same circle and when I get back to home to see my parents a few times a year he'll usually be at the bar when I'm meeting up with friends.

Other than that, my last three ex's were major jerks and not worth my time and effort to be friends with them as when I last spoke with them on the day of our break-up (I broke up with two of them and one broke up with me) I walked away with my head held high and never looked back.
Last edited by PoliticalChick01; July 17,2009 at 10:53am.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  July 17,2009, 11:50am
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Nope, not friends with an ex. If they are an ex they are often someone who has treated you in a way that wasn't likely very friend-like, so why would I want this person as a "friend"?
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #5  July 17,2009, 12:19pm
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I think it depends on the relationship, how long it lasted, and how it ended. The longer the relationship, the more you might want to try to salvage a friendship out of it, perhaps?

It seems to me that it is fairly common after a relationship ends for at least one person to have lingering hope for reconciliation. If I am dating someone new, I am really leery about that (if one of their ex-'s is still around and it seems like one of both of them holds out hope for a future together). That's a slippery slope however, because it's difficult to tell sometimes -- and I always think, "who am I to judge..."

To the OP: as long as it's a healthy friendship for both of you (not toxic, no hopes for getting back together), I see nothing weird about it. Honestly though, I think after most breakups it's difficult to keep things more healthy in a friendship, than the romance -- obviously things went wrong in the relationship or you wouldn't have split up, right? And, relationships only occasionally end based on a mutual decision, so that automatically leaves one person wondering if they still have 'a chance.' Finally, three months would probably be too soon for me to detach emotionally before attempting a platonic friendship. Good luck.
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #6  July 17,2009, 12:23pm
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Its not easy, but its doable. Yes, they are your ex's for a reason. Its those reasons that make being friends a possibility, or just a pipe dream.

If the relationship ended amicably and BOTH realize that a romantic relationship is not possible, then a friendship is easy. But if either of those parties are staying friends in hopes of convincing the other to give it another shot, then its better to just cut it lose.
 
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Chris313 is offline Chris313 Post #7  July 17,2009, 2:38pm
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Two of my really good friends are exes. Admittedly the reasons we broke things off with both of them were not based on not wanting to date anymore. Gotta love the wonders of being young and dumb. Both situations were different, not ending on great terms, but I still really like both of them and would hate it if they weren’t a part of my life.

If you just want to be friends because of the beneficial merits of having him around, I'd say move on. Do you think you will be willing to be there for him when he needs help, or do you think things will magically come up to help you avoid him?
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #8  July 17,2009, 2:54pm
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I am still friends with my ex-husband, but we were friends before our relationship, know each other very well after 10 years of marriage and parted amicably. I think it is possible to remain friends if you have a strong friendship to start, but it will never be the same.

I am not so sure about parting as friends with someone you've only dated 3 months, especially if it is not a mutual break up. There was probably a good reason you thought you couldn't be friends.
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #9  August 21,2009, 3:55pm
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Former hunsbands/ wives, lovers were a very important part of ones emotional history. Sometimes relationships end because of some issue, eg, violence, abuse, unfaithfullness, etc. Hopfully , most end because of change aspirations, needs. You may have children together so you'll never be complety disentangled. So yes, a friendship is possible, probably a unique friendship. Requires effort and consideration, sence of propriety. Applt the vampire rule "you can't come in unless invited."
 
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KiskaKitty is offline KiskaKitty Post #10  August 21,2009, 4:07pm
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I can relate to your situation. I went through a mutual break up and we decided we'd be better off friends.

It felt really weird to talk to him afterwords and I started increasing the distance between us. I really didn't want to talk/see him if I could avoid it. It wasn't long after I stopped talking to him that he confronted me calling me all kinds of nasty uncalled for names that I knew I was right in not wanting to see him anymore.

I'd trust your instincts, if it feels wrong, it probably feels wrong for a reason.
 
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