French kisses the norm the first time?


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lilsun is offline lilsun Post #1  July 16,2009, 11:55pm
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I used to date a guy who is, in my opinion, very wild. Basically we're very different from each other in terms of values, interests, and personalities. While dating him, it took him about two weeks to actually wanting to kiss me; however, I didn't want him to kiss me at that time, so he ended up just kissing my cheek and my lips abruptly. (I came from a family that is not touchy and no one really kiss or hug in my family because of our culture, so I was never a touchy person). Then after that I got mad because he kissed me (well, I was inexperienced and didn't know of the basics in dating lol). So then he actually waited for me to approve of the kiss. But then by the third week, I felt like I wanted to kiss him, so one night I mentioned it and because we live close by, he drove to my house. We actually kissed, but he initiated it because I was shy and afraid. Then after we kissed lightly, he started to kiss me so many times and they were French kisses. I had no experience in kissing French kisses, so I was so afraid after that. It was so intimate for me and I felt like I've lost my control, but he continued going on despite me telling him it was enough.

I mean, then after it was like a domino effect of problems that came after those kisses because it was my first time ever experiencing that feeling of "losing myself." Although he didn't go any further except for just French kisses which he called should be "unlimited" for a boyfriend. But anyway, basically, cuz I was afraid so I called the break-off because I wasn't sure what I was into. I'm not sure if it is normal to have French kisses first time round and could French kisses lead to "sex" and the reason why he kissed me that passionate because he wanted more to our relationship. Which is now the past, but I just wanted to ask to know to what extent of kissing and what could lead to sex as I am very inexperienced in these types of physical feelings or intimate things.
 
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soawesome is offline soawesome Post #2  July 17,2009, 12:16am
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Your profile doesn't say how old you are. You mention cultural reasons for being somewhat "sheltered", but i'm wondering where you're at on the dating compendium. For us old folks, kissing doesn't lead to sex unless we want sex. Know what i mean Vern?
Last edited by soawesome; July 17,2009 at 12:17am. Reason: typo - wrong word
 
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WishingWell is offline WishingWell Post #3  July 17,2009, 12:25am
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soawesome wrote :
Your profile doesn't say how old you are. You mention cultural reasons for being somewhat "sheltered", but i'm wondering where you're at on the dating compendium. For us old folks, kissing doesn't lead to sex unless we want sex. Know what i mean Vern?
I was thinking the same. And, as far as I'm concerned, boyfriends don't have "unlimited" kissing rights just because they're boyfriends. I'd like to think I have some say in how often that takes place.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  July 17,2009, 1:05am
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Several observations and advice:

1. You must be very young. I believe most American teens have French kissed before the end of high school.

2. He can't be THAT wild if he didn't want to kiss you until two weeks after you started dating.

3. Falling in love... or falling in lust... can make you feel a bit out of control. Most people think that is a good feeling, but it can be scary the first time you feel it.

4. While there is nothing at all wrong with French kissing, and it is quite normal even for a first kiss, no one should force you to do anything you are uncomfortable with.

5. French kissing does not automatically lead to sex. Although, most times when people have sex they do kiss first.

6. You started off saying that you and he were very different in terms of values, interests and personalities. Given that and his kisses made you uncomfortable, it is just as well you broke off with him.

You do sound very inexperienced, but do not ever let any guy force you to do something you are not comfortable with. Ever.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  July 17,2009, 1:09am
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Hello lilsun, and welcome!

You do come across as a very young lady, so I'm going to offer some advice from an "old hag" - Kissing, of any kind, should be a mutually enjoyable and pleasurable experience. (Same applies to sex.)

It is not a call of duty, and should never be done forcefully or without active enjoyment. What would be the point? You feel uncomfortable, and from what I read, the guy probably does too, or at least he probaby does not know how interpret your hot & cold reactions to his kisses (most of us can feel when the other person is enjoying the kiss ).

It may sound a little intimidating at first, but try to have a discussion (as far away removed from actualy kissing action as possible) about this subject. Explain your feelings on the subject, without sounding accusatory, and suggest a solution. I don't know - maybe you can agree on a special touch on an arm or shoulder when either one of you would like to kiss, and then discuss appropriate reactions.

I know it sounds a little clinical and complicated, it's not really. But apart from this suggestion, I really don't know how to help you other than say you should go your separate ways and for you to address you kissing anxieties on your own...

Best of luck in whatever you decide!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  July 17,2009, 5:31am
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
Several observations and advice:

1. You must be very young. I believe most American teens have French kissed before the end of high school.

2. He can't be THAT wild if he didn't want to kiss you until two weeks after you started dating.

3. Falling in love... or falling in lust... can make you feel a bit out of control. Most people think that is a good feeling, but it can be scary the first time you feel it.

4. While there is nothing at all wrong with French kissing, and it is quite normal even for a first kiss, no one should force you to do anything you are uncomfortable with.

5. French kissing does not automatically lead to sex. Although, most times when people have sex they do kiss first.

6. You started off saying that you and he were very different in terms of values, interests and personalities. Given that and his kisses made you uncomfortable, it is just as well you broke off with him.

You do sound very inexperienced, but do not ever let any guy force you to do something you are not comfortable with. Ever.
+1
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  July 17,2009, 6:37am
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lol I never french kissed till I was in my 20s. Yay me.

I say this isn't about the kissing, really. You say you are not sure if you are that into him. There it is.

Don't feel like you need to conform to the rest of society. Hold on to what is important to you, regardless of how society classifies it.

You apparently didn't feel comfortable with the guy. Don't feel obligated to feel comfortable with something you don't.
 
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lilsun is offline lilsun Post #8  July 17,2009, 9:25am
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Thanks everyone for the advice. So kissing doesn't lead to something more? lol. Well, my friend said that it is from there that leads to it.

And no I was not young when I experienced those kisses (I was 24, I never experienced kissing prior to that). It was overwhelming for me because I didn't even know how to do those kisses in the first place. He just kissed me like that and he said that he did that with girls the first time he met them. And as far as the definition of "wild" go, he did things that I thought were dangerous to himself and could possibly dangerous to others that was why I said he was "wild."

Basically, after those kisses, I wanted to be attached to him and I wanted to be a part of him. Is that normal or is that too much? But then like everyone said if I wasn't comfortbale then I shouldn't have to.

IcecreamMoon, thank you so much for the suggestions, but he and I went our separate way. He didn't tell me why, but I knew why. We're very different and he knew that I wouldn't give to him because I didn't know the rest of the things that he was experienced it. lol. I wasn't ready for a relationship or for sex to that matter. But those kisses he gave me made me felt that I could do more than just kissing and since he didn't stop when I told him it was enough, I felt very unsafe because I didn't know how to control myself. I didn't want us to get to the part where I tell him it's not okay to do those things and he still insist on doing like he did with the kissing me more when I told him it was enough.

So my question to everyone is that since I felt so strongly after those French kisses, do I need more practice or tell anyone who dates me upfront that I don't want multiple kisses that could lead to more until I'm comfortable? I mean, prior to this experience, I did not kiss at all. And we broke up abruptly so I never got a chance to actually learn more about those physical acts.
Last edited by lilsun; July 17,2009 at 9:39am. Reason: grammar/spelling fix
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #9  July 17,2009, 12:49pm
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lilsun wrote :
So my question to everyone is that since I felt so strongly after those French kisses, do I need more practice or tell anyone who dates me upfront that I don't want multiple kisses that could lead to more until I'm comfortable? I mean, prior to this experience, I did not kiss at all. And we broke up abruptly so I never got a chance to actually learn more about those physical acts.
Just because you French kiss does not mean you are automatically going to have sex at that time or any other time. It just means you're kissing. If you don't like the guy's style of kissing it may never go any farther. If you do, and your relationship progresses... well most long-term relationships do involve sex. Just keep in mind you don't have to do ANYTHING until you feel ready.

Everyone has a different style of French kissing. The next time you have a boyfriend and this comes around, just relax, maybe follow his lead, and just explore which sensations feel best to you. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. This is not something you learn from a book or by engaging a non-romantic partner to teach you. You will learn by doing, with someone it feels right to do it with. Enjoy!
 
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chrlesmd is offline chrlesmd Post #10  July 17,2009, 2:38pm
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God, do they still call it french kissing?? Sounds so weird!
 
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