Dating someone with a physical impairment


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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #1  July 16,2009, 5:50pm
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cp30 wrote :
of course you have a right to feel ANYTHING. That is your little voice...and you should never ask others if its okay to feel the way you feel.

But since you asked...yeah, the way you feel is perfectly normal. He burdened you with this, its his issue, not your issue. It is generally bad form to "hide" these things up front. Its been discussed here before, and I fully believe that disabilities should be disclosed in the profile or soon in communication, for the benefit of both people.

You probably felt a little deceived...stop feeling guilty about that. You seem like a nice person.

I had an issue where a guy I liked painted himself to be Mr. Perfect. I was almost afraid I was not good enough for him he seemed just sooo wonderful. The night before the first date he informed me he was born without his right hand.

I felt deceived. I cancelled the date.

Had he been upfront....different story.
In my book it doesn't matter if you canceled the date because you felt he was being deceptive or because you want to date a fella with both hands. I understand you state the reason was the former and not the later. I can see there are a few who want to nail you to the cross for this but I believe they would be wrong to do so with both scenarios I've listed. I don't think it would be fair to try and get into your head and determine whether or not it was right or wrong. There isn't a law that says you have to go on a date and some seem to believe you should have even though you didn't want to at this point. I wonder what they think that would accomplish? I would say to your detractors that if you felt this fella wasn't as open and honest as you seek that is a perfectly valid reason not to date someone. It doesn't really matter if he was open and honest or not. The fact that it bothered you is good enough in my book. Why should we be forced to date people who we are not comfortable with. One other point, IF (and I know this wasn't the case with you) a missing hand bothered you from a physical viewpoint that is also a perfectly legitimate reason not to want to date the fella. Again, not trying to get into anyone's head but suppose someone led a very active life doing cliff hanging or a sport that required both hands. Suppose this person was seeking a SO who they could share their love of their sport or hobby. Why should anyone be frowned upon who wants to only date someone who could participate in such activities? Get a grip people...Just sayin'
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 16,2009, 5:54pm
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AustinShaguar wrote :
Suppose this person was seeking a SO who they could share their love of their sport or hobby. Why should anyone be frowned upon who wants to only date someone who could participate in such activities? Get a grip people...Just sayin'

Some people like to grope their date a lot.

I get it!
 
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cp30 is offline cp30 Post #3  July 16,2009, 5:56pm

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thanks Austin. I wrote a pretty long post on the other thread that I *hope* clears up my position (I can't believe how out of hand this got, so quickly) I think the thing that suprises me most -- is that most people seem to understand -- even get extremely animated about the fact it's not cool to be overweight -- because you might not be able to hike 20 miles then swim for 5 more together.

But it's not okay to want to know if a person has a physical impairment up front. Saving you both the embarassment/shock upon finding out, even if you are cool with that.

I don't understand that double standard.

But anyway, thanks for getting that I'm not a totally horrible person
 
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HalfDaWoman is offline HalfDaWoman Post #4  July 16,2009, 6:02pm
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Here is the bottom line people, love it or hate it, we all have preferences, we want someone tall or thin or rich or with good mothering skills or they get your faith or whatever whatever whatever. Whether we state that stuff out in the open or just silently "pass" on the profiles that don't interest us because of a lack of those things, they still influence us. Is it not better to know right away that someone might be a bad match or a waste of your time? I would rather know, I have had enough heartache in my life to go down a road that's going to be a dead end, anymore.

The truth is, if he had told me about his condition and I decided I did not want to date him because of it even with the short term pain of rejection isn't it better than the longer more drawn out pain of an awkward date that did not end well???????

I am still chapped in the hide that people assumed I was being shallow. I am smart enough to know, this guy could be the love of my life for all I know, I will give him as fair of a shot as I would give anyone I am interested in.

Anyone who would not, whether they have the nerve to say so out loud or they would just silently pass by a profile that did disclose it, is not worth his time or energy or worry and certainly not his tears.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #5  July 16,2009, 6:03pm
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cp30 wrote :
But anyway, thanks for getting that I'm not a totally horrible person
Not totally.

I kid, I kid, you know you're all right, c3p0.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #6  July 16,2009, 6:20pm
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The truth is, if he had told me about his condition and I decided I did not want to date him because of it even with the short term pain of rejection isn't it better than the longer more drawn out pain of an awkward date that did not end well???????

What some of you are missing is that this is new to you, not to him. He's known - or whoever - about his disability, affliction, disease, weight issue, physical appearance - his whole life. He knows how people are going to react. He has most likely been in a restaurant, bar, library, school, bookstore, gas station, dressing room, - get the point? He has put up with reactions his whole life.

Let me ask you this. Was your conversation flirty or polite? Did you lean it to talk to him, get close to hear him, or stay back? You said you had to keep asking him to repeat himself. In a bar situation, you cozy up to hear. Did you touch his arm when you spoke? Talk personal? Hug goodbye? I don't know how your email conversations were but maybe he didn't tell you because he wanted to see if you were as your words felt. Maybe he sensed a difference and that is why he hasn't called.

As far as you calling him or not, throw the rules out the window and go with your instinct. If you do call, call because you sincerely want to, not because you think he needs you to.

Oh yeah, btw we are all shallow in some way. Some are just more obvious. Nothing toward you, just a general statement.
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #7  July 16,2009, 6:24pm
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OverAnalyzer wrote :
as you calling him or not, throw the rules out the window and go with your instinct. If you do call, call because you sincerely want to, not because you think he needs you to.
I've never been a big fan of this advice. I see it a lot on this forum. Some people just don't have good instincts so without knowing if they do or don't I will not recommend it. Just sayin'
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #8  July 16,2009, 6:50pm
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But anyway, thanks for getting that I'm not a totally horrible person [/QUOTE]

I don't think anyone is a horrible person here just as I don't see anyone as being a victim here.

Let me say first that I understand CP and the OP's point of view. Part of the reason for choosing to go through eharmony (I hope I am not wrong in assuming this was an EH match) is to narrow down the choices to someone that a real relationship could develop with. One of the other reasons is you can go through a "safe" time of getting to know someone and learn enough about them to decide if potential exists. If certain flags are raised you can say no to that person without a lot of fanfare and the awkwardness of meeting. It would seem to me that if any time was spent on both sides on communication then an opportunity would arise that a disability could be mentioned. So I understand the feeling that this could and maybe should have been addressed upfront.

As to the person not revealing the disability, I think in a perfect world the person would be secure enough to reveal it and know the perfect thing to say to put the other person at ease, answer all questions without being defensive AND with a great sense of humor and still get the date. Obviously the world is not perfect (as witnessed by the disability.) My heart goes out to people in this position as dating is hard enough without these very real physical challenges. To put yourself out there on a dating site hoping for someone to love you (and not pity you) for yourself takes courage.

For myself I still think that revealing the condition would have been the best thing to do even for his sake, but I am saying that without experiencing what these men have been through.

I know this is long (unusual for me so please overlook that.) Just had to get that off my chest.
 
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zal is offline zal Post #9  July 16,2009, 7:24pm
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My thoughts (Disclaimer: "you" is meant as a generic term. My comments are not directed at any particular person. I am not attacking anyone.):

1. It is highly hypocritical of someone to think it's ok to "fudge" on height, weight, etc. but to expect someone to disclose some physical attribute that is deemed (by the person demanding disclosure) "abnormal". It is also hypocritical to suggest that some physical attributes (weight, height, etc.) are somehow "less important" and therefore unnecessary to disclose) while other attributes (missing limbs, being wheelchair bound, etc.) are somehow important and must be disclosed.

2. Expecting someone with a "disability", "deformity", "condition" (or whatever you want to call it) to somehow know that his or her condition is not a deal breaker defies reason and reality. All disabled people have faced rejection based upon their condition.

3. To consider yourself a "victim" because you discover that a date didn't disclose some physical attribute that you don't like is the epitome of arrogance.

4. To suggest, after the fact, that you would have gone out with him/her but for the failure to disclose is pointless. That would be like me saying "golly if she told me she was 300 pounds I would have gone out with her, but I expected her to be "average". I doubt anyone would believe me when I said I dumped her because she lied.

5. Choosing not to disclose certain physical attributes is NOT lying. If the handicap didn't bother you, finding out about it on the date wouldn't matter.

6. I will not offer my opinion on whether a disability should be disclosed or not. I certainly understand why people choose not to disclose. When it happens to me, I make a choice: I ask whether the "surprise" is a deal breaker. If it is, I end it.

7. I asked this in the earlier thread, but received no answer. That may have simply been because the thread was closed. I do really want to know, so I ask again:
Should someone who was the victim of sex u al ab use disclose his or her victim status to potential dates. These crimes leave severe, often crippling emotional scars that can have devastating effects, including on future relationships the victim might be in. Is the victim lying by choosing not to disclose? If not, then how is this any different than the cripple who fails to disclose his missing hand or the fact that he or she is wheelchair bound.

I really want to know.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #10  July 16,2009, 7:29pm

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Awhile back, JDavid started a thread in about you on honesty and I think that thread ties in here nicely.

I believe his point was that there are some things that we know are dealbreakers and if we know they are dealbreakers than don't we have an obligation to disclose them?

Interesting question then and still is now...

(Smiling sweetly to myself thinking that Austin and cp are becoming friends!! )
 
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