New Relationship Frustration -- What is she thinking!?!?


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phreelogic is offline phreelogic Post #1  July 12,2009, 7:39pm
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So here's my situation...your feedback is absolutely welcome.

I started dating a girl that I know from work (she's 24 and I'm 34). We work for a big company, and don't interact at work specifically except email / IM and when we want to. We've known each other for about a year and had done little else than playful email flirting to get to know one another, etc. About 2.5 months ago, we entered a marathon relay training team together which lead us to us finally expressing our true feelings for one another and we started dating. Life was great!

We hung out quite a bit for the first month...regularly spending several evenings together each week and significant portions of weekends together. Our activities ranged from watching movies, making dinner, going out to concerts, dinners, running together, etc. Everything was wonderful and we both really seemed to be enjoying one another's company and shared many similar interests and had mirror-image senses of humor.

On the intimacy side, we did all the things that early-stage couples seemed to do: holding hands on the couch or walking down the street; lots of playful kisses, etc. We had fooled around (passionately) a number of times, but agreed that we wanted to wait before we decided to take the sex thing to the next level. We both were in complete agreement there. In fact, I was sleeping over at her place at least a night or two (or more) per week as we really seemed to enjoy each others' companionship and liked waking up together.

We talked about our relationship with each other on a couple of occassions, and specifically about the "age" factor. We both stated that age per se wasn't a problem, but that being at the same/similar place in life in terms of being ready for a relationship was most important. I did tell her that given my age, while I had no immediate plans or timetable for settling down, but by the sheer fact that I was 10 years older than her that I would probably be looking to settle down sooner rather than later, but again I had no deadline or timetable. She said she had no immediate plans whatsoever, but we both seemed to be cool with simply seeing where things went and having fun. She even suggested we talk/communicate more so that we could continue to get to know each other to see where things could go. All seemed well with the world.

After a month of dating and specifically a great weekend together almost in its entirety, she kind of went silent on me the following week and wasn't being as responsive with texts, emails at work, etc. In her defense, she was in fact busy and stressed with lots of work things going on at the time and so I simply chalked it up to hectic schedules, etc. That seemed plausible, but after a week, she was still not being any more responsive so I started to worry. In fact, I texted her that following Saturday and asked if everything was okay since this wasn't particularly acting like herself and she had suggested that we communicate more. She told me in a text that she simply "had a lot going on at work and in her personal life" and that she needed "some time to think about it all". Well, at least that was an answer and while I thought I was her personal life (or a big portion of it), I agreed to give her space and let her work through whatever was stressing her out.

Fast-forward to today: 4 weeks have now gone by and while we've since sent a number of non-relationship related texts and emails back and forth periodically, she's never actually proactively proposed that we hang out to talk about what's been going on in her life (and in her head) -- i.e., specifically talk about "we" stand as a couple. In fact, she's stated that she's still not ready to talk about it but would like to hang out once things settle donw. Well, no doubt that I am finding all of this quite troubling. At this point, I'm definitely not an idiot and the phrase "she's just not that into you" is coming to mind; or less harshly, I'm now convinced that our relationship is clearly not her biggest priority at the moment, but I just can't figure out why she can't tell me what she's thinking/feeling specifically. Unless it's something completely bigger than me specifically (e.g., an ex-boyfriend, etc.), I just don't see why she can't talk to me, unless she's trying to keep me at bay somehow. Because we do work together, I REALLY don't want this ending badly because 1) it's not my nature, and 2) it just makes everything more complicated cause we do see each other at work. She's stated in an email that she really doesn't want to talk about things, which really just confuses and frustrates me particularly considering how we previously were. The "things were happening too fast" excuse of course comes to mind, but that's a simple one to talk about.

BUT...she also hasn't broken off all contact or 'desire' to hang out again: we participate in a weekly running group and she usually sends an email out each week asking if I am going to go that week. I've been busy and haven't been in 4 weeks, but honestly, that's not the place I want to interact with her for the first time, particularly after not getting any realy face-time or closure. I feel horrible and don't want to make her talk if she legitimately doesn't want to (or can't for some reason), but at some point I have to stick up for myself and my feelings too, because I've been quite hurt by the way things were handled. I just want to know what she's thinking but I'm losing confidence she's going to offer this freely to me unless she feels like perhaps she's going to lose me as a friend. I've not let on to her that I'm bothered, when in reality, it's been killing me inside. My temptation now is to tell her this week that I have no interest in doing the running club any more and see how she reacts to that obviously emotionally-charged hint. My fear is that she's been traversing the path of least resistance and I've just been too "nice" to call her out on it.

Why is it always the relationships that were once so seemingly easy, always turn out to be the ones that cause you so much stress. Definitely, if this doesn't work out well, it's that last 24 year old that's going to be getting my time and heart...no offense ;-)
 
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inn is offline inn Post #2  July 12,2009, 8:00pm
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hmmm you can speculate all you want, but the bottom line is that you don't really know what's going on. If I were you, from a woman's perspective, respect her 'space' and live your life as usual. Don't play games just to see what she's going to do. Your 34yrs old.
I had dated a guy a while back and we hung out every day for months. I was starting to fall for this guy big time, but knew it wouldn't work out (we worked together). I told him I wanted my space and I wanted 2 weeks of not seeing him. He respected me and after the 2 weeks we hung out as usual. I had moved to another state and ended it after a year. He had a bad habit of 'cheating' so I left him behind.
Be patient and keep yourself occupied. Good Luck!
 
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g517 is offline g517 Post #3  July 12,2009, 8:07pm
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OK... Honestly, you need to just let it go. I know it's easier said than done and everyone wants an answer, but sometimes in life you don't get that answer. Also with her being so young, I'm sure she hasn't developed the communication skills needed for an adult relationship, nor may she ever...
I just had the same thing happen to me. We hit it off for a few weeks... major passionate make-out sessions, plans to get our boys together, plans for USC games, snowboarding, etc. then no call from him. I am not the crazy kind of girl to call and chase a guy. I figure if they are interested, they will call. Like you quoted, "He's just not that into you..." I let it go and he eventually called me and still had NO reason as to why he didn't want to see me anymore. He went over the whole, "You are beautiful, smart, funny, we have great chemistry, there's no question that I'm attracted to you, but..." I said, "but what?" and he didn't know... So that's what I have to live with. I would rather have someone spill the truth so I can go about my life, but some people don't have the balls to be honest!
Find someone that will respect you
 
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ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #4  July 12,2009, 8:09pm
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I feel for you. I went through something similar with a woman recently. I would hate hate it. I would confornt and ask her what was going on and to tell me what was wrong, was it something I did.

Communication is the key to any relationship for any long distant future. if the person cant talk to you openly not just about the good things then there is no lasting hope in a relationship that means something.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  July 12,2009, 8:12pm
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phreelogic wrote :



After a month of dating and specifically a great weekend together almost in its entirety, she kind of went silent on me the following week and wasn't being as responsive with texts, emails at work, etc. In her defense, she was in fact busy and stressed with lots of work things going on at the time and so I simply chalked it u
What happened over this weekend?

And I think a 24 year old is probably in a different place than you. There are plenty of things she can be doing in those 10 years. Kids can wait another 10 for her.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  July 12,2009, 9:21pm
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Short answer - only she knows that

A slightly longer and maybe more productive answer -
Your concerns are valid and certainly understandable. My gut feeling - she is a little surprised by the strength of her feelings for you and is trying to understand them herself. And it sounds like there is something else going on in her life, but I do not think it has anything to do with past or present romantic relationships. It sounds personal and I have no clue what it is.

My solution would be to concentrate on the friendship in your relationship at this time, without completely disregarding the romantic aspect (i.e do let her know in suble, but no uncertain, ways that you still have all those important feelings). Try to initiate a casual, friendly meeting without the pressure of "dating" and concentrate on that great talking/communicating idea of yours. But no pressures or judgments attached. Let her tell you the full story when she feels comfortable.

In short - just be the great person she fell in love with in the first place, don't pressure her, but definitely stick around and let her come back to you when she is good and ready.

Even if it doesn't work out (and I hope it does), at least you'll have peace of mind in knowing that you've given the relationship every plausible chance to work out.

Good luck!
 
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winn is offline winn Post #7  July 12,2009, 9:29pm

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I definitely don't think it has to do with age differences. I do however, agree that you should be perfectly direct and find out from her what is happening. I think you can do this without making her feel pressured. You obviously are a smart man to begin with. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and ask her what she's thinking.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  July 12,2009, 9:31pm
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"it just makes everything more complicated cause we do see each other at work"

This is why you never date anyone you work with!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #9  July 12,2009, 9:33pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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phreelogic wrote :
I REALLY don't want this ending badly because 1) it's not my nature, and 2) it just makes everything more complicated cause we do see each other at work. She's stated in an email that she really doesn't want to talk about things, which really just confuses and frustrates me particularly considering how we previously were.
Good idea. Don't end things badly. This means don't pester her anymore and just let it end now, with some dignity.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #10  July 12,2009, 9:34pm
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There's really no way of knowing what is going on unless she tells you. Since she's been clear that she isn't ready then the worst thing you could do is push for answers.

My completely uneducated guess would be that this is a combination of her feeling like things got a little too intense a little too quick along with some added outside stress that just seems to make other things even more stressful.
 
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