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BelieverinKY is offline BelieverinKY Post #1  July 12,2009, 6:47am
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I've been divorced a bit over 3 years now. I learned early on that the last place I am going to find someone is in a bar but, I do enjoy socializing, chatting, listening to a band, etc. in such an environment so I go with a friend about 2 to 3 times a month (I'm a very light drinker btw). "Trolling" is the last word that I would use to describe what I am doing. I've made some acquaintances but have no desire to use the environment as a dating pool or to find a quick score. I'm looking for so much more than a "notch in my belt".

So here's my issue. I met a wonderful woman on eH and we are totally falling for each other. She has a serious problem with me going to a bar with a friend. She's convinced that it's simply an environment to pick someone up and an unhealthy place to be if you are in a relationship. To me, if you trust someone, it's not an issue. I could care less if a woman goes out with some friends, gets hit on, etc. because if I trust her it's just not an issue. Additionally, I have a few female friends, strictly platonic, never slept with them, that I have lunch or drinks with on occassion. Again, she has an issue with this. It obviously goes to a level of insecurity and lack of trust. Not just in me but in men in general. Everything else is great but this will become a deal breaker if I continue. She has not issued any ultimatums but has made it clear it's an issue. I don't feel she's asking me to change who I am but certainly to change my actions. I'm simply not sure what to do.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #2  July 12,2009, 6:53am
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BelieverinKY wrote :
I've been divorced a bit over 3 years now. I learned early on that the last place I am going to find someone is in a bar but, I do enjoy socializing, chatting, listening to a band, etc. in such an environment so I go with a friend about 2 to 3 times a month (I'm a very light drinker btw). "Trolling" is the last word that I would use to describe what I am doing. I've made some acquaintances but have no desire to use the environment as a dating pool or to find a quick score. I'm looking for so much more than a "notch in my belt".

So here's my issue. I met a wonderful woman on eH and we are totally falling for each other. She has a serious problem with me going to a bar with a friend. She's convinced that it's simply an environment to pick someone up and an unhealthy place to be if you are in a relationship. To me, if you trust someone, it's not an issue. I could care less if a woman goes out with some friends, gets hit on, etc. because if I trust her it's just not an issue. Additionally, I have a few female friends, strictly platonic, never slept with them, that I have lunch or drinks with on occassion. Again, she has an issue with this. It obviously goes to a level of insecurity and lack of trust. Not just in me but in men in general. Everything else is great but this will become a deal breaker if I continue. She has not issued any ultimatums but has made it clear it's an issue. I don't feel she's asking me to change who I am but certainly to change my actions. I'm simply not sure what to do.
In my experience her insecurity will not change and will only get worse. I would re-evaluate whether you are "really" falling for her because it sounds to me like she is trying to exercise a bit too much control in your life. If you have given her no reason not to trust you then there is no reason for her not to - except what she imagines. Jealousy and insecurity don't go well together in relationships.

Do you live some distance apart?
 
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FengShuiBlackBelt is offline FengShuiBlackBelt Post #3  July 12,2009, 6:57am
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You could try inviting her to the bar so she can see what you do while you're there. However, this does sound like a major trust issue on her part that will cause you to change more and more aspects of your life until you eventually end up having no social life at all apart from her.

What you said about her being unable to trust men in general indicates that she has had bad experiences with men in the past and is basing her attitudes about men on a very negative stereotype. The sense I get is that she will always be suspicious no matter how hard you try to avoid the appearance of impropriety. You need to ask yourself if she's worth all the drama coming your way if you decide to stay with her.
 
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dietpepsi is offline dietpepsi Post #4  July 12,2009, 7:22am
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Since she wants a long-term relationship, it's normal for her to want to keep tabs on you. If you really are as devoted as you claim you want to be, a combination of the above recommendations (to invite her along, spend more time with her to gain her trust of you when you're apart) will allay her fears.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #5  July 12,2009, 7:24am
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Do you ever take her to the bar with you? Perhaps if you included her in at least some of your outings then she would see what it is all about for you.
However, it does seem she does have some insecurities about the situation.
Also, if she does not like going to bars at all, even with you, and this is something that is a part of you that you enjoy and you can't reach a compromise, perhaps she is the wrong person for you.

Some compromises might be to take her to concerts (since you said it was because you liked listening to music). Also in my area, (I don't know about yours) there are outdoor concerts going on all the time, great date idea and no bar atmosphere.
Or another compromise would be for her to go with you on occasion even if she doesn't like it, and you maybe reduce the amount of times you go alone.
You did say you like the social atmosphere, but I can understand how someone might be concerned about the environment as well.
I am not really a jealous person in a relationship but I feel that sometimes certain situations can lend themselves to provide easy temptation and that is what she may also be uncomfortable with.
If I had a guy with gal friends I think I would prefer that if my guy went out for drinks with them, that I was along too.
However, if you two are just dating, not living together, and depending on how long you have been dating, how committed etc. it is really hard to define parameters.
I know this seems to go back and forth a bit but it is because there really isn't any hard and fast rules of what you should or should not be doing, it depends on the couple and what they work out.
But just expect that you may have to change, at least a little and the same for her otherwise you may just have to continue like you are, alone.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #6  July 12,2009, 7:35am
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I agree with the some of the others that you can try inviting her along ... but I have a sneaking suspicion that this will not be sufficient for her. If this was something you were doing 2-3 times a week or that she was never invited along, then maybe I could understand - but in your case, it doesn't sound like you've given her any reason not to trust you.

If she truly has trust and insecurity issues, then nothing short than keeping tabs on you 24/7 will do -- and this is unlikely to change. And you'll have to decide how much of it you can put up with.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #7  July 12,2009, 8:32am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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OP: your screename includes the word 'believer'. Is there an element of her attitude that comes from either/both of your religious beliefs?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  July 12,2009, 9:18am
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Sorry to say but your girlfriend has several serious issues that are not going to get better on their own. These are trust, jealousy, and control. If you continue on with these issues unchecked they will eventually lead you to an unpleasant life. Pretty soon she will ask you to drop all your friends, male and female. She will insist that you always be with her, leading you to have no life of your own. Whatever activities that you enjoy, such as listening to live bands that she does not also currently enjoy she will insist that you stop participating in.

Need I say more?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  July 12,2009, 9:22am
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BelieverinKY wrote :
I've been divorced a bit over 3 years now. I learned early on that the last place I am going to find someone is in a bar but, I do enjoy socializing, chatting, listening to a band, etc. in such an environment so I go with a friend about 2 to 3 times a month (I'm a very light drinker btw). "Trolling" is the last word that I would use to describe what I am doing. I've made some acquaintances but have no desire to use the environment as a dating pool or to find a quick score. I'm looking for so much more than a "notch in my belt".

So here's my issue. I met a wonderful woman on eH and we are totally falling for each other. She has a serious problem with me going to a bar with a friend. She's convinced that it's simply an environment to pick someone up and an unhealthy place to be if you are in a relationship. To me, if you trust someone, it's not an issue. I could care less if a woman goes out with some friends, gets hit on, etc. because if I trust her it's just not an issue. Additionally, I have a few female friends, strictly platonic, never slept with them, that I have lunch or drinks with on occassion. Again, she has an issue with this. It obviously goes to a level of insecurity and lack of trust. Not just in me but in men in general. Everything else is great but this will become a deal breaker if I continue. She has not issued any ultimatums but has made it clear it's an issue. I don't feel she's asking me to change who I am but certainly to change my actions. I'm simply not sure what to do.
I don't think I am oversimplifying in saying that if you have a problem with her feeling this way, why in the world would you continue to date her? She wants you to change your behavior, you want her to change hers. What do you think is going to happen? I would bail out now. You clearly don't want to change, why do you expect HER to?
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #10  July 12,2009, 9:26am
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Oh and from the Christian/spiritual perspective? The best way to be tempted into an affair is to have female "friends" and to go to a bar where you are drinking and have lowered inhibitions.

She is probably thinking ahead and trying to determine if you are at the VERY least LTR material. I have a feeling that if you continue on, she will break it off with you. Her concerns are legit. Just ask any guy that has had an affair.

You really sound like you both are not on the same wavelength in a very serious area.
 
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