Men - are you put off by independent women?


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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #41  July 12,2009, 2:52pm
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OverAnalyzer wrote :
And there you have it, subjectivity at its best. Relationship, companionship, friendship, someone to hang out with. Everyone's needs and thoughts are different. Me? I'd love to be able to talk with my man about what's going on. I want to share with him. When I walk in the house after work I don't want to hear "what's for dinner", "where are my socks", "when are you going to sew on that button." I want to cook dinner together or take turns or order out. I want him to know where his socks are and sew on his own button. These things are not difficult and at 50 years old I don't want a tall child.

We're getting older and will probably fall apart some day and that's different. But I'll be damned if I'm going to have to remind a guy repeatedly to call his doctor, pick up his wet towels, or get angry because he balances his paper plate on top of the overfull trash but can't seem to replace it. That's just inconsiderate, wrong, and juvenile.
And Overanalyzer you just described my marriage. I just can't do this again and for quite some time I was so in fear of it that I had decided I would never live with a man or marry again. I just could not face the shear volume of work involved in taking care of another larger child which is much more difficult then taking care of an actual child.

Its funny cause I actually love taking care of people. I just dont want to actually live their life FOR them. And honestly, if unless you can figure out a way to breathe for them, some peope are just never going to be happy with you.

I do realize now that not all men are like this but it took me a while to creep back into the dating pool because of it. And then I was really looking for a companion but not a relationship. But I have come to the conclusion that that can't be done without some pain on someone's side. And I hate pain, mine and anyone elses.
 
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mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #42  July 12,2009, 2:58pm
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Who wants to date a bossy woman? Even if it's only a myth. Why not change your vocabulary and downplay the word "independent?" Most men don't care how much $$ you have. That's the woman's job to care how much $$ a man has {per Mothernature.} Men care more abot how you look. All the $ in the world isn't going to stir up our man organ if we aren't attracted to you.[/quote]

I had no intention of responding to this thread so many times but I just have to ask. What about all these one night stands going on or friends with benefits. The man organ must be getting stirred up somehow even if they are not attracted? Since I am not a man I have always wondered how that worked. For me I just cant get very excited about someone I am not attracted to but men seem to do it all the time.
 
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all_seasons is offline all_seasons Post #43  July 12,2009, 4:11pm
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OverAnalyzer wrote :
...I've been thinking about this lately and I think that those who *make it* are those whose fundamental values and interests mesh. ...
From what I've experienced, those who *make it* dont make it a point to talk about how they are so independent and don't need a man (or woman) for this or that. I've never heard an older couple (i.e. those married 30-50 years) rant or rave about how he or she didn't "need" the other. I'd be willing to bet that you'd all agree that that is generally true. There must be some form of "need" there ...
Last edited by all_seasons; July 12,2009 at 5:37pm.
 
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Benevolence32 is offline Benevolence32 Post #44  July 12,2009, 8:07pm
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If you're strong and independent you're possibly butting heads at some level with the men that are also strong and independent. So that's why you and women like you attract the more submissive, possibly less independent men that probably couldn't be labeled a stereotypical alpha male. Two dominant personality types mixed can be like oil and water, not peanut butter and jelly.

I mean look at dating in decades past when the divorce rate was much lower. You didn't see strong and independent men walking around saying "Gee I wish I could find a strong and independent woman to match me in all that I do and have done". If it was a working class town They just left the steel mill or factory where they worked and went down to the local diner to snag up the cute waitress that was single. Whether she was strong and independent or not was irrelevant really. If she wasn't it probably didn't matter.
 
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ZisaGirl is offline ZisaGirl Post #45  July 12,2009, 8:12pm
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Overanalyzer, I understand completely your situation.

As a late 40's woman, divorced but no kids, I've spent my mostly single life keeping my head above water financially, which has involved a career with a lot of work, travel, and stress (and fun!). I've also developed strong friendships over the years, maintained a house (and a mortgage!), and learned how to do small fix-it stuff.

Having said that, I, like you, am attractive, not overweight, and very feminine. I truly WANT a guy in my life, I WANT love, I WANT affection. And I WANT to give all these things as well!

So why do I, like you, keep attracting these "tall children"? Men who are in their 50's who haven't got a dime to their names, who don't own homes or even cars (leased), men who are emotionally needy, and the like?

No, I don't want to be anyone's therapist, so no, I don't listen to them for long. But they seem to all be attracted to me, and the conversation always ends up with them telling me their troubles. So, I end the relationship, only to find myself in the next one...and the next one...and so on.

Even my EH matches have been with these "tall children", not the equals I've been searching for.

What gives?
 
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Ludiusvox is offline Ludiusvox Post #46  July 14,2009, 12:47pm
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I dunno I find Beautiful, conceited, self-centered, high-maintenance, bossy women sexy. Maybe it just appeals to my competitive nature: I actually enjoy the arguments, disagreements, and contests of will; its entertaining and much for fun than a pushover or a wannabe.
 
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HealthyFun1979 is offline HealthyFun1979 Post #47  July 19,2009, 8:17pm
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I like how this lady sees it. I have my men's team that I take my problems to and she can take her problems to the ladies. I and most men I would imagine like to fix things. Don't get me wrong, we can still chat but venting about problems can go on elsewhere. Why not make the home a sanctuary and a place for fun!

Nanette wrote :
No. I talk to my female friends about that. Men hate being talked to about problems unless they can fix it. To talk for the sake of talking is overwhelming to men. Men love to "fix". Random venting is usually overwhelming to most men Especially the crying weepy convos.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #48  July 19,2009, 8:22pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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HealthyFun1979 wrote :
I like how this lady sees it. I have my men's team that I take my problems to and she can take her problems to the ladies. I and most men I would imagine like to fix things. Don't get me wrong, we can still chat but venting about problems can go on elsewhere. Why not make the home a sanctuary and a place for fun!
So....a sanctuary away from who you really are, what you really feel and from really knowing each other. I guess that's one approach to a 'relationship'. Sort of a relationship without all that pesky 'relating'.
 
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shoopthedoop is offline shoopthedoop Post #49  July 19,2009, 8:35pm
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Ludiusvox wrote :
I dunno I find Beautiful, conceited, self-centered, high-maintenance, bossy women sexy. Maybe it just appeals to my competitive nature: I actually enjoy the arguments, disagreements, and contests of will; its entertaining and much for fun than a pushover or a wannabe.
Give yourself a decade or so. The constant arguments/disagreements/contests of will get draining and just plain tiring.

I don't want a pushover, but I don't want a constant struggle either. I understand I won't get my way all the time, and don't want to deal with someone who expects to get her way all the time either. Mutual respect and compromise without drama are what I'm looking for. Too many times I've seen 'independent women' as code for the type of woman you are interested in. No thanks...
 
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HealthyFun1979 is offline HealthyFun1979 Post #50  July 19,2009, 8:37pm
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Couple things here:

-Perhaps the fact you have no kids leaves some sort of nurturing motherly side unsatisfied and men are attracted to this in you.

-You say you Want Love and Want Affection but men who "have it together" want to take "care" of a woman! Or at least I do, I am focusing on coming up with $1000 a month that I can just have fun and play with and wine and dine a lady and/or take my family and friends out with. A man who's got it together wants to SHARE his wealth with and take care of his woman.

So perhaps you ladies might look at 1 of 2 ideas for attracting a man. Maybe getting clear that you "do" want to be taken care of is in order or an alternative could be that you "do want to find a man you can buiild a life together with where you are both passionate and support each other on each other's missions weather they intertwine in the business world or not."

Good luck !

ZisaGirl wrote :
Overanalyzer, I understand completely your situation.

As a late 40's woman, divorced but no kids, I've spent my mostly single life keeping my head above water financially, which has involved a career with a lot of work, travel, and stress (and fun!). I've also developed strong friendships over the years, maintained a house (and a mortgage!), and learned how to do small fix-it stuff.

Having said that, I, like you, am attractive, not overweight, and very feminine. I truly WANT a guy in my life, I WANT love, I WANT affection. And I WANT to give all these things as well!

So why do I, like you, keep attracting these "tall children"? Men who are in their 50's who haven't got a dime to their names, who don't own homes or even cars (leased), men who are emotionally needy, and the like?

No, I don't want to be anyone's therapist, so no, I don't listen to them for long. But they seem to all be attracted to me, and the conversation always ends up with them telling me their troubles. So, I end the relationship, only to find myself in the next one...and the next one...and so on.

Even my EH matches have been with these "tall children", not the equals I've been searching for.

What gives?
 
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