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RBFL is offline RBFL Post #1  July 11,2009, 7:10am
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New to the boards, so hello all.

It seems like most of the topics here are a little bit more deep or dramatic, but I don't see any problem with introducing a more basic topic.

Basically, I've actually gotten to where I'm gonna be calling one of my matches on the phone now, that's the first time for an eHarmony match. We've e-mailed for a little while, but nothing too extremely deep. So, I'm not the world's best conversationalist, and I guess I'm just worried that if I can't think of anything great to talk about, I might seem vapid or dull. It's definitely been the case before. Its seems like a trend with me that when I'm interested in a girl, and there seems to be some reciprocal interest, we usually exchange a few e-mails or have a few conversations (if it's an in-person friendship), and then she just drops off, apparently having lost interest. And I really don't want that to happen this time, because I think this one's special; but I don't necessarily know of a whole lot of specific things that we have in common.
Pursuant to that, I'm curious if there are any good methods of probing a little deeper into the philosophical side of things, to kinda feel out how philosophical and intelligent she is, because that kind of thing is important to me. But that side of the discussion seems to always just happen spontaneously. Don't know if there's any way to steer things in that direction (and that's not necessarily for the first call, but over the course of time).

At this point, I've had enough strong friendships to be over my anxiety about whether I rate. I know I'm a pretty fun guy to be around once you get to know me. But it's just a matter of making sure I don't bore her enough to leave before she can see that side of things. So, any tips you have on how to generate deep, engaging conversation would be much appreciated. I've been on here for more than five months, and this is the first match that really feels like it could be a serious thing.
 
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jleen is offline jleen Post #2  July 12,2009, 5:27am
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Hi RBFL,
Please - just try to be yourself (and have fun/be happy) and everything will flow in good time. Don't worry too much about all the important details (her level of intelligence etc...) just try to think of that first phone conversation as fun.. not that you cannot talk about anything serious if you want or if it comes up. In my opinion - when you meet someone who is a good match for you- it does not feel like a struggle or a challenge - all you have to do is relax and be yourself and everything will work out.
Good luck to you! Jleen
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #3  July 12,2009, 5:36am
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RBFL

I think jleen gave some good advice. I think it is great that you found someone you think might be special, just don't put too much pressure on too early and come on too strong. Show interest and try to get to know her and be yourself (your relaxed self, of course)

Good luck.
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #4  July 12,2009, 8:36am
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If you find yourself at a lull in the conversation, then ask a question about whatever the last thing the other person said was. Even if it's something little. For instance, maybe they just got done telling you about road trip they went on. You could ask what kind of car they took or how they picked out the places they went to. They may be silly questions, but it keeps things moving and it may lead to more interesting avenues of conversation. If nothing else, it demonstrates interest.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  July 12,2009, 8:56am
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I can certainly understand your situation. I have found that there are matches that I have where the conversation just flows effortlessly and others where it just not go as smoothly. Maybe this is part of that "chemistry" thing?

For some conversation starters you could ask her if she likes, what she thinks, how she feels about different things that you enjoy. The subject may be food that you like, sports or team, places and travel, pets, whatever.
 
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RBFL is offline RBFL Post #6  July 13,2009, 4:09am
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Thanks for the advice, folks.
 
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makki is offline makki Post #7  July 13,2009, 5:39am
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It is so important to be aware of what you are talking about. I am a newbie as well. I had my first date this past weekend. The man was one of my first matches. We went through all the guided communication and went to emailing each other. Then he gave me his phone number to call him the night before our lunch date. I did. The phone conversation was less than wonderful and I chalked it up to him being nervous. We had our date the next day. Despite him claiming to be a wonderful conversationalist, I could not wait to end the date. It was painful. He went on and on about his ex-wife, her infidelity, her remarriage, his job, how difficult it was, the terrible conditions in which he worked, etc. I don't mean that he just shared these things with me, that's ALL he talked about. We were together for 62 minutes and it was 60 minutes too much for me. Good conversation is the key.
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #8  July 13,2009, 6:47am
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I agree with those above who said "be yourself". A relationship can not last if you are a "pretender". That is, being someone you are not. Eventually you'll want to go back to being yourself and the pretender your partner fell in love with will be gone.

I do in fact believe that easy communication is part of "chemistry". Although the word chemistry is such a nebulous term with regard to relationships I think it is safe to say that good chemistry includes the easy and free flow of conversation.

I met a lady one time (we had mutual friends) and exchanged phone numbers with her after having a drink together and taking for about 30 minutes. When she called me we talked for hours. We had several such long and interesting conversations beyond that before setting up an actual date. The date itself ended up being horrible in my opinion. It was REAL WORK to get a decent conversation going. It seemed like she didn't have much to say about anything and I'd have to constantly try to get some sort of conversation going. Painful! It wasn't like she never saw me and then she was disappointed. In the end I think our "chemistry" wasn't good. Personally, I think she was a strange bird...but maybe that is what she thought of me. Guess my mojo wasn't powerful enough. LOL!
 
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redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #9  July 13,2009, 9:14am
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Gr8Guyn2008 wrote :
I can certainly understand your situation. I have found that there are matches that I have where the conversation just flows effortlessly and others where it just not go as smoothly. Maybe this is part of that "chemistry" thing?
Aha! See, I knew you'd experienced chemistry before.
 
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redevil999 is offline redevil999 Post #10  July 13,2009, 9:26am
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RBFL, Welcome to the boards!

One thing I'd be careful about is turning the date into an interview (or possibly even a debate). You can usually tell if someone is intelligent by their vocabulary and demeanor.

Sometimes you can bring up a topic that you're interested in and assume if she has little to say that it means she isn't intelligent.

It may be that she isn't informed on that particular topic or doesn't feel comfortable discussing it right off the bat. My interest in current issues (like politics and the economy) wanes from time to time, or, sometimes I'm just talked out on those common subjects.

I prefer the first date to be light-hearted and fun to see if we have any chemistry.
 
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