civil relationship with ex


Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
tsvdavo is offline tsvdavo Post #1  July 10,2009, 8:37pm
tsvdavo's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 2

See profile

Not sure if this has been covered but, long story short, my ex decided that after a decade or so (with many difficulties) our relationship as a couple was doomed. All counciling did was make it apparent that I was the only one trying to make the relationship work. So now 6 months or so later I'm looking to get to know new people. As we have 2 small kids together I have been bending over sideways if not backwards to keep our changd relationship civil for the kids sake. I guess what I'm asking is how will this be percieved by those I meet? Most of the people I work with asume that because I'm not "bad mouthing" her at any available opportunity and text her with messages for the kids daily (if i can't call or see them) that I'm hopeful that we'll both have a change of heart. What do you guys and gals think?
Ciao
 
  Reply With Quote
junio59 is offline junio59 Post #2  July 11,2009, 10:08am
junio59's Avatar

The past is done, the future is uncertaint, the present is a gift.

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2008

Posts: 22

See profile

I divorced my ex 4 years ago after 25 years of marriage; we have two grown kids, so they are not a reason to really stay in touch. However, we had a friendly divorce and have remained friends; we still talk on the
phone and see each other occasionally.
We both have had other relationships and we have not allowed our friendship to interfere with them. I believe that you can have a friendly relationship with your ex or at least a civil one.
 
  Reply With Quote
blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #3  July 11,2009, 10:15am
blrdancer's Avatar

Pacesetter

Joined: Mar 2009

St. Louis, MO

Posts: 293

See profile

If children are involved, I would hope and expect that anyone I was dating would make every attempt to maintain a civil relationship with their ex. The last thing I would want is to have to deal with the drama/fall-out of a contentious past relationship.

If you're upfront and clear about your intentions -- I would take it as a sign that you were mature and responsible - not necessarily trying to get back together.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  July 11,2009, 4:08pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,102

See profile

I divorced my first husband many years ago. It was amiable. Even though I initiated it, I don't believe he had any hard feelings towards me. I certainly had none towards him.

I consider it a plus if you don't hold a grudge.

Any future relationships would have to wonder what you would say about them after, if you bad-mouth the ex.

But your post wasn't exactly clear: Are you going to get that divorce before moving on??? That would be a good thing!!!

Last edited by j0hn8andy; July 11,2009 at 4:10pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #5  July 11,2009, 4:29pm
Gr8Guyn2008's Avatar

I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love

Sage

Joined: Jan 2008

Orlando, FL

Posts: 19,670

See profile

If you and your ex are civil toward one another then that is one less piece of baggage to deal with coming into a new relationship. I would not at all perceive that because you and your ex were civil this was a sign that you were trying to get back together.
 
  Reply With Quote
chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #6  July 11,2009, 5:03pm
chawks64's Avatar

is keeping warm with her Honey.

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Southern Nevada

Posts: 6,735

See profile

When I was first divorced, my ex was a real jerk. Seriously, he told my kids I was sleeping around (they were 8 and 11) and accused the older one of doing drugs. He would bring them home, saying "YOUR son got scared at the movies. When are you going to make him be a man?" Again, he was 11.

I was civil to him, but refused to take his accusations, his yelling, and the treatment of our son (he only picked on one, which made it worse). I even taught my son to stand up for himself. Eventually he got the point, that he was no longer in control of our lives and he stopped the bad behavior.

Now, though we have very different lifestyles, we get along because it's the right thing for everyone. I want my kids to see that you do have power over how people treat you, and that you can choose to not be involved with unreasonable people until they give you the respect you deserve. I also want them to see that people can change, though you can never make them. And they know their father and I have completely different values and lives, but we can still agree on family.

Basically, you are teaching your kids to get along with people they may not agree with, and to not allow themselves to be disrespected. There's nothing wrong with getting along with your ex.

As a bonus, a REASONABLE woman will want you to have a decent (but platonic) relationship with your children's mother. A jealous selffish one will not. So think of it as weeding out the ones you don't want anyway.

Just don't kiss your ex, like a guy I dated did. That's definitely a dealbreaker...
 
  Reply With Quote
Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  July 11,2009, 5:24pm
Wonderwoman40…'s Avatar

L'Chayim!

Virtuoso

Joined: Jan 2009

Omaha, NE

Posts: 4,495

See profile

ARE you hopeful that you'll both have a change of heart? Is your divorce final? That is more of a red flag than anything.

I have a very civil relationship with my ex-husband. We've been divorced 7 years, and I'm proud to say we've both put our kids interests first above anything else between us since the divorce. In fact, I really like his fiance, and so do the kids.

It is a plus when a guy I meet has a good, cooperative relationship with the mother of his children, regardless of the reasons they are no longer together. That just means there will be less drama in MY life if we get together.
 
  Reply With Quote
lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #8  July 11,2009, 7:43pm
lacedwithhope's Avatar

dog slimed!

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2008

At the left coast

Posts: 7,341

See profile

tsvdavo wrote :
...Most of the people I work with asume that because I'm not "bad mouthing" her at any available opportunity and text her with messages for the kids daily (if i can't call or see them) that I'm hopeful that we'll both have a change of heart. What do you guys and gals think? Ciao
If by 'change of heart' you mean that you're hoping for a reconciliation, I think that you should not be dating. Your dates will eventually pick up on the fact that your civil relations with your kids' mom are not just about good co-parenting.

Otherwise, I think it's great that you are taking the 'high road' and not speaking negatively about your ex-, especially in front of the kids. If you are not still hoping for a reconciliation, you sound like a good parent and someone who a family-oriented woman would admire. Once your divorce has been final a year or so, you'll probably make a great partner. Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #9  July 11,2009, 7:49pm
lacedwithhope's Avatar

dog slimed!

Power Poster

Joined: Aug 2008

At the left coast

Posts: 7,341

See profile

chawks64 wrote :
Basically, you are teaching your kids to get along with people they may not agree with, and to not allow themselves to be disrespected. There's nothing wrong with getting along with your ex.

As a bonus, a REASONABLE woman will want you to have a decent (but platonic) relationship with your children's mother. A jealous selffish one will not. So think of it as weeding out the ones you don't want anyway.

Just don't kiss your ex, like a guy I dated did. That's definitely a dealbreaker...
Yes, and don't take vacations with your ex-. That was a dealbreaker for me...
 
  Reply With Quote
waltercl is offline waltercl Post #10  July 11,2009, 10:01pm
waltercl's Avatar

is Feeling good about life ............................

Veteran

Joined: Nov 2008

The South

Posts: 1,711

See profile

Whenever there are children and an ex involved then it can always be challenging. You want things to be civil enough so you're not stepping into a situation with constant drama, but you also want to make sure the door is completely closed to reconciliation, and they are ready to move forward without looking back.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« Sex on the first date? | Dating | Hey guys! I want to ask the ladies something..... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Do you give back jewellery when a relationship is over? lostgem Ask a Dating Expert 57 September 6,2011 7:26pm
6.5yr Relationship..lies..what to do? GabbieChanel Relationships 13 July 3,2010 11:58am
relationship between boyfriend and my son pianogirl1 Ask a Dating Expert 17 October 7,2009 10:32am
one too many in this relationship wantmarriage Ask a Dating Expert 29 September 24,2009 3:00pm
35-year-old who has never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship Michael1974 Ask a Dating Expert 102 September 20,2009 7:15am

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Most anyone has been there I imagine. My advice is: don't over think it, it's all a numbers game (more for some than others), focus on your happiness/life, and work on your market value.” –  Raw_Truth

Join the “Very discouraged.” discussion

“ I figured it had something to do with that "hair gel" that Cameron Diaz was using in the movie "There's Something About Mary"...” –  Shelby

Join the “What kind of add you see on this board?” discussion

“I used to do this in my youth. A couple relevant factors likely were that I broke up with them, they would have liked to re-engage and I had poor boundaries--desperately wanting to stay friends. ... ” –  EccentricAmbiguity

Join the “Hold on, hold on, hold on!” discussion

“ You can also try saran wrapping your midsection for a few days. I've heard that works but I haven't tried it. If you do, please let us know how things go. . Lol!! Why don't you try it first ... ” –  EccentricAmbiguity

Join the “Belly Fat” discussion

“Trust your gut feelings! It seems to me his friend does not have a sense of boundaries and it seems that your boyfriend is doing nothing to discourage his constant annoying interference in your ... ” –  elliechris

Join the “When is friendship a problem” discussion

“Lol yeah I do hope so. Thanks again! ” –  elyone

Join the “Profile Review please 25/F” discussion

“Jenky & PSG, you two are so great! I'm loving following your story! I admire you both for being brave enough to try this. LDRs are hard no matter how you look at it. It requires a significant ... ” –  singinggirl

Join the “My Virtual Relationship or The five day first date” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:47am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0