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It almost doesn’t matter; if he gets afraid and bails, at least you have a definitive result.

As I see it, you could suggest something that has a timeliness associated with it, such as a performance or sporting event that will be in town on a certain date. (There is some risk in how you communicate this; as the woman you are probably hoping he asks you out. When you propose an activity, it is really your role to be hosting him; therefore if you do not state it that way, he may hear that you are looking for him to buy an entertainment you selected. I would react negatively to that.)

I would force this issue, by asking for his number, or offering yours and asking him to call, or by writing that you are ready to meet. I think the best option is to meet midday on a Saturday, where you will have open ended time together … if “shy” is the correct assessment, I do not think the “20 minute coffee date,” that many people seem to favor, is a good idea.

A lunchtime meeting, in an environment which allows for subsequent walking about or other activities chosen at that time, is how I would do it.
- July 4th, 2009, 08:57 am
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angelofmerci angelofmerci is offline
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I would definitely ask him out. If he is shy it could take forever before he gets up the nerve to ask you out. I do think there is the possibility that he is either married or in another relationship. Be careful. Good luck
- July 4th, 2009, 09:36 am
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FaintestInkling FaintestInkling is offline
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He's probably not married or in another committed relationship, but he probably is keeping "on the line" as a second or third choice, hoping another match that he likes better will either come along or get more interested in him.

I held out hope for way too long recently that a girl who didn't want to meet after seven weeks in OC was "just shy." Eventually, I pressed her on it ... first she said she was too busy to meet, then was too afraid of trusting too fast for safety reasons, then finally said something like, "It's hard to know how to proceed when you're communicating with a lot of matches at once, all of whom have different qualities, and it's hard to even tell what you want then ..." Which I viewed as finally admitting, "I'll only meet you if eventually some of these others don't turn out well after I've met them."

Not that there's anything wrong with communicating with other matches and meeting multiple people, in the early stages -- it's just you ought to be at least "tied" for a match's interest, if he/she is truly potentially interested ... not a distant second, third, or fourth, etc.
- July 4th, 2009, 10:04 pm
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Mayne Mayne is offline
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ZisaGirl wrote :
Have been in OC with a guy for a while now. Lives very close to me, and seems like a great guy, so I'm trying to be patient, but confused as to why he hasn't made any steps towards talking on the phone or meeting.

We've been in OC for one month, trading emails daily (he writes one day, I respond the next, he responds the next, etc.). Very nice emails, lots of great information, but I'd like to meet him, as I feel that sometimes, too much communication is just...too much.

He frequently writes that he looks very forward to my emails, and has written that he feels we are very compatible from all he knows so far. But hasn't made any more steps towards an actualy F2F meeting.

Any suggestions? Should I do (or write) anything? Or should I continue to be patient? I don't feel he's just biding his time with me, but I am a bit confused.
The thing you will discover is many people are not interested in actually meeting and dating one another.. They want email pen pals and Internet girlfriends or boyfriends. The best way to flush these people out is to invite them to meet you for coffee.

As for you being a girl, so what? I thought this was the age of Women's Lib.
- July 5th, 2009, 02:28 am
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This sounds so much like something I went through a few years ago. I met a man online who I felt so amazingly comfortable talking with. We emailed back and forth for a long time, and he only lived an hour away from me. It's way too long a story to tell here, but I discovered he is married.
It does hurt immensely, especially when you feel such a connection. If he had only been truthful with me when I had asked him why we weren't meeting. I can't begin to tell you how much I was hurting.
We still occasionally communicate, and I see him on a rare occasion.... not in a dating situation, but in a totally different light.
In your case, I would try to talk with others too so you're not thinking about him all the time. It does help. Trust me, I've been there.
- July 5th, 2009, 05:37 am
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Ask him out, he will either agree or decline and then you won't have spend any more time curious as to if there could be more or not.
- July 5th, 2009, 02:07 pm
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Maybe he is too shy to ask you out---ladies--it's 2009! Waiting for the guy to take that first step is passe!

Pick a Starbucks in your neighborhood and tell him you want to meet him there next Tuesday, Friday, Saturday...whenever-give him options to pick a day, agree on a time and just do it!

You have much more patience than me....I just closed on a guy who was doing the caution dance-I like to get off EH mails ASAP and go to OC with my blind box email addy. I had been writing for several weeks and 'Dave' kept putting me off...so I finally told him I was moving on and closed the relationship.

That BS alert was ringing-married and playing-scum sucking pond dewllers.

Rox
- July 5th, 2009, 02:14 pm
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ZisaGirl ZisaGirl is offline
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You all have given me some great feedback...thanks!

I really don't think he's married. Or that he just wants an email penpal. I've had those guys before, and this just feels....different.

I recently had a guy that I communicated with, moved to phone, and still didn't want to meet, after 6 weeks. I finally told him I was looking to meet someone in person, and that it was nice communicating with him, but I'd have to move on. He wrote me back immediately and said that he was a very busy guy, and that he just doesn't like meeting right off the bat. So, we communicated a couple more weeks, and finally I had had enough. I wrote him a final note, wishing him luck, and he wrote me back and said that he WAS ready to meet. But by that time, I was done. So I didn't respond.

My point is, my current guy I think is very much like the one in the above paragraph. Just busy, likes to take things veeeery slowly. Maybe it's my personality type, that I get matched up with these guys. Go figure, I'm the most impatient woman you'll ever meet!

I'm going to write him back, and suggest that we meet soon. I'll let you all know how it goes!

- July 5th, 2009, 08:26 pm
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I always ask the woman out for coffee (generally) by the third message to her, sometimes even the 2nd. (not on eharmony) Never the first, since that scares some women.
A simple meet and greet for coffee is low pressure enough that 3 emails is generally enough.

I don't have time for endless online pen-palling, that's not what i am here for. Some guys just don't get it.
- July 5th, 2009, 09:31 pm
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At this point, the two of you should be speaking on the telephone. Maybe end one e-mail message with, "would you like to talk on the phone sometime?".
- July 6th, 2009, 12:44 am
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