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simplemind simplemind is offline
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I can't speak for men by any means, but I can speak to the mistakes I've made over the years--from which I've hopefully learned an item or two.

I'm in a very demanding profession; which if I let it, would essentially be the only thing I did in waking hours. There have been times when I've been less than successful in holding back the tide of my practice's needs--at the expense of my personal life. While there are naturally episodes when extra time with work can't be avoided, I can't imagine any message clearer to a man than "my job is more important to me than you are", if I never set limits with the work. If I were on the receiving end of the same behavior as a woman, I'd be hurt if this was how it was all the time. So be careful of "independence", when independence means there's no room for someone else.

Additionally, I know there are differences between men and women. I believe that many men do indeed like to make their mates happy--& if this entails a man removing obstacles for his woman, he will try to do so. Just as any normal impulse is healthy, the exaggeration of it is not. So a man who insists on rescuing to the detriment of his mate's ability to take care of herself, or a woman who makes herself so helpless that she "must" be rescued, is a distortion of normal behavior--just as much as a woman who is so independent she clearly shows there is no need for another person in her life. Either one is too much.

The good news to me is that in that "normalcy" there's a nice wide range of what works--and we can find someone whose needs balance ours. There's no one rule for how it has to be for all of us.
Last edited by simplemind; July 3rd, 2009 at 06:20 am. Reason: grammarian
- July 3rd, 2009, 06:15 am
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simplemind simplemind is offline
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chawks64 wrote :
This is a really good point. I think a man who is mentally and emotionally healthy is looking for a woman can financially take care of herself, but that doesn't always mean the traditional definition of "successful". That's more of something a woman looks for in a man.... [edit]
...So it seems to be all about personal balance and finding someone who has the same outlook as you do. You just can't please everyone.
Lol! What's the saying about "great minds" and like directions?
Love how you said it, chawks.
- July 3rd, 2009, 06:18 am
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meanminicooper meanminicooper is offline
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this "im a fantastic catch, but single, so guys must like losers" mentality is why you are single.

not the label: "guys"
- July 3rd, 2009, 07:23 am
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blrdancer blrdancer is offline
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I think most people (regardless of sex) are looking to feel needed and appreciated within a relationship.

Sometimes this manifests itself by choosing "fixer-uppers" or people are dependent on this assistance.

But I think most emotionally healthy, secure, mature people would avoid this type of situation in preference of someone who is more their equal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with independence -- but a man also has to be able to see how he will fit into your life.
- July 3rd, 2009, 08:26 am
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Rob_UK Rob_UK is offline
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here is my tuppence:

It is not about saving a woman I feel, but finding a partner who adds to the whole. For some that may mean looking for someone who needs a man to help find a way through life, but for others it may be about finding an equal or even someone to help them.

For my part I look for someone who is together in their life but maybe seeking anew direction or a new challenge with someone else.

As for kids? Well that must be an individual matter - we had a saying in the Army : a PotNoodle family, just add dad. As I get older the idea of having kids about become more acceoptable and I am changing my opinion (slowly) from never- to may be I guess it all depends on what they were like !
- July 3rd, 2009, 08:38 am
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lacedwithhope lacedwithhope is online now
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Interdependence is the concept whereby both partners need each other -- together we're better/more than we are as individuals. You lean on me, I lean on you...we lean together. That's what I'd like.

I don't need to be rescued, nor do I want a guy who wants to step in and "fix" his partner, even though the idea of a Knight in Shining Armor is romantic. But I also agree with one of the previous posters that whether you're a man or a woman, it's important to feel needed in a relationship.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; July 3rd, 2009 at 09:39 am. Reason: pronouns
- July 3rd, 2009, 09:38 am
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VB_Girl VB_Girl is offline
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Interdependence is the concept whereby both partners need each other -- together we're better/more than we are as individuals. You lean on me, I lean on you...we lean together. That's what I'd like.

Great post Laced! +1,000,0000

P.S. Happy Birthday!
- July 3rd, 2009, 10:26 am
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simpletonHeart70 simpletonHeart70 is offline
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Luv2RideHorses wrote :
I think some men are intimidated by a self-reliant woman. Others wouldn't have it any other way. The men who want to "rescue" women also want to "control" them. I guess that's why I'm single. I won't be controlled. (Had enough of that in my first and only marriage).
I disagree with that. That's like saying the women that want to be rescued want to manipulate the man.

Caring for someone is not the same as controlling someone. I'd argue that women that want to be rescued often are manipulating and controlling as well.
- July 3rd, 2009, 01:01 pm
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chawks64 chawks64 is online now
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simpletonHeart70 wrote :
I disagree with that. That's like saying the women that want to be rescued want to manipulate the man.

Caring for someone is not the same as controlling someone. I'd argue that women that want to be rescued often are manipulating and controlling as well.
We're rarely able to say "why" someone does what they do. I agree that not all rescuers are controlling. My 2nd husband was a rescuer, and it was probably due to his insecurities. He was a mama's boy and it made him feel like he was strong if he could help me. I also see a lot of men who do it because they were raised to assist people in need, and they almost can't help themselves.

Women that feel they NEED rescuing? Again, it depends. Many don't even know they're doing it. They think they're venting and don't realize guys don't vent, they talk through problem-solving and think you're asking for help. Other women are insecure and truly believe they can't make it in life without someone pulling them out of their situation. Sad, but true.

On the other hand, some rescuers really are controllers and some "damsels in distress" really are manipulating.

The point is that it's dificult to assign motives to someone else's behavior.
- July 3rd, 2009, 01:25 pm
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simplemind wrote :
I'm in a very demanding profession; which if I let it, would essentially be the only thing I did in waking hours. There have been times when I've been less than successful in holding back the tide of my practice's needs--at the expense of my personal life. While there are naturally episodes when extra time with work can't be avoided, I can't imagine any message clearer to a man than "my job is more important to me than you are", if I never set limits with the work. If I were on the receiving end of the same behavior as a woman, I'd be hurt if this was how it was all the time.

I don’t think you should view working hard as detrimental to dating.

I suppose some portion of successful men are looking for more traditional women, but others want women who have accomplishments and interesting things to discuss.

As a man, hearing “I can’t make it tonight because I have to work late” does not make me feel bad, the way hearing “I cannot make it because tonight is my favorite TV program.” Assuming she is not fibbing, I treat working hard as an investment in her future (our future if it becomes a commitment.)

One thing to keep in mind, the longer one works (or combination of work and school, which is a lot of my experience), the more important it becomes to not also have other reasons not to see your partner.
- July 3rd, 2009, 01:28 pm
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Men - are you put off by independent women? - Dating & Relationship Discussion Boards – eHarmony Advice This thread Refback July 20th, 2009 08:08 am
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