"Independence" and dating


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  July 2,2009, 3:52pm
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Thought I would take advantage of the holiday to ask a question I've actually wondered about for a while now.

How good are you at maintaining your independence when you get deeply involved with someone? Do you find yourself seeing less of your friends and doing less "you" stuff, in favor of the relationship?
Or, are you able to balance it just right?

Have you ever felt that a partner was usurping their independence too much to be part of the couple? If so how did you deal with it?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 2,2009, 4:08pm
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eH_Advice_Admin_Lori wrote :
Thought I would take advantage of the holiday to ask a question I've actually wondered about for a while now.


Yes, I am really a Frog.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  July 2,2009, 4:26pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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D_Lion wrote :
Yes, I am really a Frog.
Talk about avoiding the question...

Do Frogs ever lose any component of their highly valued independence when the right Frogette comes along?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #4  July 2,2009, 4:34pm

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Good question, Lori!

I think women, in general, tend to make their schedules around their SOs. And I think men, in general, make their schedules without really think of their SOs schedules.

And it has been my experience that I will see a lot less of my woman friends when a new guy is the picture.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #5  July 2,2009, 4:38pm
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Distance lets us keep our independence, even though we both wish we were closer and could see each other every day.

I do find that my time with my buds has diminished, but they understood after meeting her.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  July 2,2009, 4:42pm
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Mr_Right wrote :
Distance lets us keep our independence, even though we both wish we were closer and could see each other every day.

I do find that my time with my buds has diminished, but they understood after meeting her.
On rare occasions, such as this, your answers actually justify your name
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #7  July 2,2009, 4:51pm
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Independence! Great question. There’s been a lot of talk about feeding the relationship and letting it grow. Finding and then *keeping* that one special someone is a lot of work. But I think we all agree that we need to grow as individuals as well as components of a very sweet whole in a relationship.

Early in a relationship, as you’re getting to know one another, finishing each other’s sentences, and getting wrapped up in that first intoxicating *understanding,* there is less focus on the individual and more one what is being shared. This is when the friends are either wondering where the bloody heck you’ve gotten to or they’re there in the background, saying "get a room! And when you come up for air, remember to call your bloody friends, alight?"

But after a while, you *should* come up for air… and remember those old, golden friends who were there before your new s/o. Having a life of your own separate from what you share is very healthy in a relationship, IMHO. Too much time together = smothering. I think at the very least once a week you should do something just for you, and in addition, keep in touch with those friends however often you feel comfortable with. In my last LTR, we had "dates" even three years into the relationship… and spent a few hours every other day or so being independent (apart from separate school and work, which ate about ten hours a day). It gave me opportunities to talk to my girlfriend more than I would’ve if I’d been living in her back pocket (or vice versa) the whole time.

Bottom line is, being in a relationship you’ll be doing less "you" stuff (necessarily) than being single. Doing little to no "you" stuff is bad, as is too much. Finding that subjective balance is very cool. Ironically, it seems to draw two people closer when they are able to combine distinct experiences… but first you’ve got to get those separate and distinct experiences! *grin*
 
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yoga_gal is offline yoga_gal Post #8  July 2,2009, 6:04pm
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"Having a life of your own separate from what you share is very healthy in a relationship, IMHO. Too much time together = smothering. I think at the very least once a week you should do something just for you"

I agree with Wootz. While it is one of the great joys of life to be a part of a loving couple for me it can become stifling for there to be no time to spend apart (sometimes by myself to recharge and other times with friends or people/groups that I share an interest with.)

I want to share some interests with a partner but I also would like to have separate interests. Keeps life interesting.
 
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Rob_UK is offline Rob_UK Post #9  July 2,2009, 6:13pm
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I had a GF wh gave up all her passtimes and tried to insinuate herself into mine...complete dead end....keep your me time ...there are many other areas that can go ...TV time for example


There is more going on in the world than your TV will let on about
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #10  July 2,2009, 7:52pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
Good question, Lori!

I think women, in general, tend to make their schedules around their SOs. And I think men, in general, make their schedules without really think of their SOs schedules.

And it has been my experience that I will see a lot less of my woman friends when a new guy is the picture.
Bingo! I see this in myself and in friends.
 
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