bob82 is offline bob82 Post #1  June 29,2009, 1:37pm
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I started dating this new girl and she's cool and we get along pretty well but it turned out she's been divorced previously. Her reasons for getting a divorce were good but it's only one side of the story.

If she had kids it would be a total deal breaker - I don't want someone else's family but even being divorced is something I'm kind of weirded out about it.

Here are my thoughts:
1) Someone makes a promise to spend the rest of their lives with someone and doesn't follow through. Maybe she's a quitter instead of someone that wants to work things out.
2) She obviously loved someone else before and I think this may eventually effect the relationship or at least draw comparisons
3) I've never been married and my parents have always been together. I don't really understand the concept of divorce and hope it never happens to me.
4) I keep thinking if we get more serious that I should never forget the words "prenuptial agreement".

Anyway, any other + or - to dating someone that has been divorced before?
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #2  June 29,2009, 1:54pm
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bob82 wrote :
1) Someone makes a promise to spend the rest of their lives with someone and doesn't follow through. Maybe she's a quitter instead of someone that wants to work things out.
You're only going to get her side of the story. If you can't trust her reasons for getting divorced and believe her, why would you consider having any kind of relationship with her?
bob82 wrote :
2) She obviously loved someone else before and I think this may eventually effect the relationship or at least draw comparisons
Doubtful. I have news for you, but most other people you've dated have loved other people before you as well.
bob82 wrote :
3) I've never been married and my parents have always been together. I don't really understand the concept of divorce and hope it never happens to me.
I hope not either
bob82 wrote :
4) I keep thinking if we get more serious that I should never forget the words "prenuptial agreement".
I would forget those words unless you're looking to end up single again. That kind of attitude is going to get you in trouble. Not to say you can't get one down the road, but keeping it in the back of your head like that will start to leak over to other decisions and come across as "I don't trust you".

The only minus is if her ex is a psycho stalker or if she hasn't finalized all her legal work yet. There are other bits of legal nonsense you have to do sometimes even after you are divorced and that just drags on forever it seems. If she doesn't have either of those two issues, then you're golden.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 29,2009, 2:10pm
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I’ve been only first dates with divorced women – they do seem to bring up the subject unasked.

Particularly as you get older, the pool of never married people will dwindle, and if you exclude the divorced, you’ve excluded a lot of candidates.

I have concerns myself, mainly driven by data which show a higher probability of divorces in second (or greater) marriages, so the odds seem to get worse.

I’d (guess at) the good points being, you know she has the ability to marry and won’t perpetually string out casual dating, and she has the self-respect to leave something which wasn’t working for her (I’d call that pretty important.)

The bad points seem to be the aforementioned data, what divorce says about her ability to make wise choices, maybe some psychological desire to be each other’s first, and any residual obligations (which seem unlikely, given your OP.)

If this is the best reason you have to discard someone, I’d say you’ve done well.
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #4  June 29,2009, 2:22pm
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Isn't it funny that ALL the people I know who are divorced were the "good" gals/guys. When you get the story it is always the other person who was the bad person. Seriously, what are the odds? As you say, there are two sides to every story. My guess is that half the people I know who are divorced are in fact THE bad person. But, I'll never know for sure since I won't get the other side of the story. Surely I'm not soooo lucky as to only know the good people.

While I understand that sh** happens you have to wonder if the person who is divorced is a person of good judgment. I'm tired of the same ol' story about how "we just changed and grew apart". No you didn't...you married without asking the hard questions up front.

Why not have both parties submit to a prenuptial agreement. Isn't that the smart thing to do to protect both parties from sh** happens? This isn't planning to fail but without it you may in fact be failing to plan.

When you do marry a divorcee what runs through your mind at your wedding when you hear "till death do us part"? You realize that he/she already went there and done that but here he/she is again.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  June 29,2009, 5:23pm
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All of the above bring up very good points! The bad judgment getting in, the self-respect to get out, etc. I could certainly be accused of those.

I will say I am forever thankful my second husband (having been divorced himself) gave me a second chance at love & happiness. And yes, I did make those comparisons, but they were ALL in his favor! Between marriages I took the time to know what I really wanted & needed in a man. It was a dream come true for me when I married the second time...

That second marriage? I'd still be there if he hadn't died. He was loved when he died, and he is mourned still. It doesn't get much better than that!
 
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BSLS is offline BSLS Post #6  June 29,2009, 5:31pm
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If you don't want to date divorced women, and you don't want to date women with children, be prepared for a very loooooooong life of singleness.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  June 29,2009, 5:36pm
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AustinShaguar wrote :
Isn't it funny that ALL the people I know who are divorced were the "good" gals/guys. When you get the story it is always the other person who was the bad person. Seriously, what are the odds? As you say, there are two sides to every story. My guess is that half the people I know who are divorced are in fact THE bad person. But, I'll never know for sure since I won't get the other side of the story. Surely I'm not soooo lucky as to only know the good people.

Not so fast …

Assuming you are a good person, you probably gravitate to similar people. Consequently, most of the people you know should be good.

Also, not all divorces have a good person and a bad person; there could be two bad people or two good people.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #8  June 29,2009, 6:22pm
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I would not worry about dating a divorcee, there could be any number of reasons why things didn't work out and perhaps you will never know the full truth. Not because she is a liar but some things are frankly not your business. She isn't married now and so I would say if the two of you have good chemistry not to let this get in your way. I used to be, and perhaps still am at times, very analytical about dating. I often times would find "maybe" reasons to not be with someone because for whatever reason things "might" not work out. I am trying to be more open and I see no reason not to give this lady a shot and see what happens.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #9  June 29,2009, 7:16pm
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #10  June 29,2009, 7:23pm
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D_Lion wrote :
Not so fast …

Assuming you are a good person, you probably gravitate to similar people. Consequently, most of the people you know should be good.

Also, not all divorces have a good person and a bad person; there could be two bad people or two good people.
Slow down again for one more thought...

Very few marriages fail because of only one of the involved people. It would be nice to think that I was the good guy and he was the bad guy and that I did everything perfectly and he didn't. Unfortunately, that just isn't the case. And I don't think it's the case for most divorced couples, no matter what they tell themselves.
 
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