LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #1  June 29,2009, 12:50pm
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Do you have a defense mechanism while on dates?
Do you sabotage your own happiness without noticing?

I was on a mediocre date this past Sunday and one thing I noticed was that I was trying to have a good time regardless of the circumstances and then he said something that COMPLETELY changed my mood and it was all downhill from there. I later sensed that after that comment I literally put a wall of steel between us and no matter what he said I was going to play devil's advocate and would not agree on anything.
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  June 29,2009, 1:41pm
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Yep...and to some who have proven to be quite observant, this isn't going to come as any surprise at all.

I have this wall that tends to pop up and envelope me in certain situations. Maybe it's because I've been too trusting and too giving of my heart in the past. Perhaps I've finally learned that my heart is too valuable to just be given away before being earned. Or maybe it's because I just care too much about people and I tend to be a bit naive at times, which is a part of my nature that just isn't going anywhere. Whatever the case, if someone does something to trigger it, it's there, and once it's up, it's up. Can it come down? Yes it can, and does. Mind you, though, if I am in a relationship, the something done to trigger it must be quite extreme--a huge violation of my trust would be an example.

It used to be that this wall was a permanent fixture. If you wanted in, you had to have the necessary equipment to knock that sucker down, and I sure wasn't going to make it easy for you by helping you out in any way. I figured if you wanted in, you'd figure I was worth it and you'd get in. How nasty and unhealthy was that? However, as I've grown older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I've learned that the wall, while helpful at times, isn't a necessary fixture. Afterall, I'm not at war, am I? No, I'm just looking for the same thing everyone else is. These days, I find that wall makes an appearance only when I'm unsure of myself or when I'm in unfamiliar territory, and even then, it's really more of a window or a screen in those situations. It's there while I feel things out and get my footing, but it's by no means intended as a device used to keep others away. Though sometimes, unintentionally, I can slip and allow it to do just that. I'm not perfect, just human.

With regards to happiness, yes, as you can infer from above, there have been times in my past when it has clearly sabotaged my happiness. However, I find that doesn't happen so much now, and if a relationship falls apart, I find that it was already heading in that direction long before the wall made an appearance. At that point, I think I probably use it to protect me from any continued hurt and pain, because sometimes I can be too sensitive for my own good.

Okay, now you know more about me than you probably ever wanted to, so I'm going to be quiet and give someone else the opportunity to speak now.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #3  June 29,2009, 2:02pm
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I can’t recall changing my conversational style, though I have some practical “defense mechanisms,” in terms of how I meet and criteria to go forward with someone.

If it’s just a vague lack of rapport, I would meet the woman again.
 
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LavenderFields is offline LavenderFields Post #4  June 29,2009, 2:14pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I have some practical “defense mechanisms,” in terms of how I meet and criteria to go forward with someone.
Care to elaborate?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  June 29,2009, 3:16pm
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LavenderFields wrote :
Care to elaborate?

One is the terms under which I meet:

I find that I had better conversation and more interest with women who are prompt, crisp, and forthcoming about themselves. Rapidly giving her phone numbers and workplace e-mail, as opposed to hiding behind only a dating site, or at best an anonymous e-mail; communication which is stable in emotional tone, mannerisms, and timeliness of reply. These conditions make me more likely to meet, and willing to take more effort in terms of the radius I will consider.

Second, you may have guessed, is money:

Once I get asked for money, nagged, criticized, or compared (“my last date spent $400 at [name of restaurant]”) I just give up.

After a first date:

I look for reciprocity of interest, absence of demands, and availability; while I start looking at whether our lifestyles and goals will mesh.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #6  June 29,2009, 3:16pm
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LavenderFields wrote :
Care to elaborate?
He's got pepper spray to fight off all the love-struck female frogs.
 
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lacedwithhope is offline lacedwithhope Post #7  June 29,2009, 4:45pm
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I suddenly lost interest in a date recently that kept doing this snorting/inhaling thing (he had allergies or a cold evidently) and then a big gulpy swallow. It was gross. Seriously. On the drive home, I did wonder if I was being too harsh or sabotaging the date. For about 30 seconds.
Last edited by lacedwithhope; June 29,2009 at 4:48pm. Reason: Two "b's" or one?
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #8  June 29,2009, 4:53pm
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LavenderFields wrote :
So, do YOU do this (automatic shutdown)? Do you notice this in your dates? Why do you think you or your dates do this?
Absolutely!
All of us have them, as we should. We all need to protect our hearts from potential pain. If we didn't, the world would be even more crazy than it aready is.

But there are valid defensive reactions, with reason behind them, and there are those purely based on associations with previously inflicted pain. The latter are best dealt with correctly and promptly. This is why it is important to work through pain and anger before moving on. Otherwise it comes back to haunt us in form of imaginary attacks, provoking triggers for unnecessary defense, which leads to further attacks, and so on.

And Frog, this is one of those rare occasions, when we are in full agreement. Isn't it nice?
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #9  June 29,2009, 4:57pm
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lacedwithhope wrote :
Last edited by lacedwithhope; Today at 05:48 pm. Reason: Two "b's" or one?

I've had more than enough bees already, thanks!
 
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Wootz is offline Wootz Post #10  June 29,2009, 5:07pm
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Yes, I’ve got defense mechanisms. I think everybody does. Mine is a rather clinical desensitization- once I get my feelings hurt (or perceive an attack), I put them away and deal with things on a more intellectual level. This just makes things worse when I have to feel those emotions again later, unless I recognize it and work to counter this response. It is so surprisingly easy to step outside myself and forget that I am feeling something while I am examining, analyzing, and hypothesizing. I’ll get tripped up on a why, or a how, and become emotionally distant- and it’s quite obvious if you know what to look for.

A classic example was on a date where the girl I was with had to ask me "why aren’t we fighting? Sure, we’re disagreeing, but couldn’t you at least get a *little* upset?" I do better when I recognize what I’m doing and deal with things slowly but surely. Plus, it gets me back to where I want to be faster- enjoying my date! *grin*
 
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