Dating a single father who has no contact with his child


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Sabrina31 is offline Sabrina31 Post #1  June 29,2009, 8:09am
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I've been dating a divorced guy for about a month. We connected on so many levels and fell for each other instantly.Being with him felt right in every way.

A few days ago he told me he had a very young child. He said he didnt tell me earlier because he thought I would react badly, which I did. He hasnt seen the child for ages and he described himself as a 'glorified babysitter' when he did see him. He said his ex was using the child against him and he has a lot of resentment towards her over it. He then said he was not sure he even loved his ex when he married her because the marriage was one of convenience. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach because I had no idea about all this.

He said the look on my face when he told me was such that he knew he had wrecked everything and lost me. He still wants to work this out but I am angry that he didnt mention it earlier and it sounds like things with his ex are very messy if she restricts access to their child.

What disturbed me more is that he has virtually no contact with his child and seems to be ok with it. He blamed the courts but even so he could at least fight to see the child more often. He even said that he would give up his son to be with me which I would never ask him to do. I was shocked that he would even suggest that.

As much as I want to be with him, I don't know if I can overcome my unease about his situation.I always wanted to share the joys of having a child with someone who was going through it for the first time.I also don't like the idea of his ex being in the picture forever particularly if their divorce was messy. I am the first person he has had serious feelings for since his divorce a few years ago.

I really need some advice on what to do here. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is it better to walk away or should I try and stick it out?
 
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MrChen is offline MrChen Post #2  June 29,2009, 8:50am
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How old was the child when the separation took place? If he hadn't spent much time with the child due to the circumstances, there's no reason for him to feel a connection and many reasons to feel disconnected. That's a different situation from forming a relationship with a child and then abandoning him.

On the other hand, a man who marries out of convenience and fails to disclose his personal situation lacks a degree of integrity.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  June 29,2009, 8:51am
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What SHOULD concern you is what would happen with you & any children you both produce! What if you were an ex? With a kid? And he's the daddy!?! Would he be any different? NOT!

It shows lack of responsibility on his part. The blame the ex thing only goes so far. A grown-up looks at what HE did wrong in the marriage, what HE could have done better. That's how he learns to do better in the future...

Do yourself a favor & RUN as fast as you can.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 29,2009, 9:14am
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A vindictive ex would not make me bat an eye. Also, if the child is very young and he has not been allowed access to that child, it can be understandable that he does not have a bond with the child.

The huge red flag is that the previous marriage was one of convenience and that he does not seem to want to take basic interest and responsibility for his child even if his contact is limited. The statement that he would give up his child to be with you, etc. Once he gets tired of you, who will he give up you and your children for??? It seems kind of callous and cold.
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #5  June 29,2009, 9:41am
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First of all, Sabrina, he's not a single father. A single father is a man who has custody of his children and shows feelings of care and responsibility for them.

Your guy, on the other hand, sounds as if he was little more than a glorified sperm donor. At the very least, he wasn't ready for parenthood (though that doesn't preclude his readiness at some point in the future).

You've only known him a month. Four weeks. That's hardly enough time to be able to assess someone's true nature. Do both of you a huge favor and take a few steps back - give yourselves some perspective and a little breathing space.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #6  June 29,2009, 10:55am
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I'm in agreement with most of what has been previously posted. I would be concerned about the "marriage of convenience", the fact that he didn't tell you upfront, the fact that he would give up his child for you etc. etc. As CC said, you have only known him for a month so take a step back to evaluate the situation.

To address a point you made in your OP, if you are in a LTR with a man who has children, know that his ex will be in his life if he is truly doing his job as a parent. While you may not necessarily have to deal with the ex directly, it does come with the territory.
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #7  June 29,2009, 11:15am
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Hmmmm, sounds like you showed up at a "convenient" time for him. You told me enough already for me to give you good advice: Run, run away.

Three strikes:

1. Doesn't tell you he is a father until he thinks he has hooked you (kind of like lying).
2. Doesn't have anything to do with his child
3. Marries for "convenience" - additional character issues
Last edited by AustinShaguar; June 29,2009 at 12:25pm.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #8  June 29,2009, 11:18am
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You sound like you are having second thoughts big time, and you have every right to be. If you really want to know what's been going on, you ask him. Tell him to be honest about everything that has been going on in his life since he met the woman, and had a child with her. But only do this if you think you still have something to go on relationship wise. I would be keeping my eyes and ears open to everything he says or does in the next little while. Don't ignore anything. You can't really judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their moccasins sort of speak. The one thing I am most surprised about is the fact that he took a while to tell you about all of this. But it always seems to be that it's within the first three months that you should be finding all this out anyways...
 
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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #9  June 29,2009, 11:33am
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As I see it, this is the real issue: You're dealing with a man who seems to have a callous disregard for the responsibilities and commitment of marriage and children. Is this someone you want to get seriously involved with?

Now, he might have good reasons for this mess --- and I for one thinks there is far more to this story than what he has told you so far -- but will hearing the rest of the reasons, no matter how validate, change how you feel about his actions and behavior?

It's apparent that you like the guy, and he probably likes you too, but when you're looking for a potential life partner, it isn't just about romantic emotions, is it? It also about character, integrity, commitment and personal responsibility.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #10  June 29,2009, 12:21pm
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My step-father was actually in this situation with his daughter. Let me give you a little back story.

When he got divorced from his ex-wife, and before meeting my mother, it was the early 1980s (please don't judge this on the time period--I still see what I'm about to share happening to people I know and love today). He loved (still does love) his daughter very much, and from what little I've learned about his ex through my mother, she was anything but stable.

My step-father lost his job shortly after the divorce and had to either move home with his folks or do the homeless thing. He chose to move home. One weekend, he had his daughter over and she was in a baby walker. They were in a split level home, and they had baby gates up all over the place so she wouldn't take a tumble and hurt herself. Well, something happened with one of the gates, she bumped into it enough times, and she tumbled down about six steps in her baby walker. She was fine, but she did have a bruise or two.

That was the last weekend he was permitted to see his daughter on his own. His ex screamed child abuse and dragged him into court. Now, let me tell you something: If ANYONE has EVER given my step-father a reason to smack her upside the head, it was me as a teenager. I kid you not. I was a terror, I was a nightmare, and I was so mouthy I can't believe my mother didn't just smack my mouth off my face. After dealing with the mess that I was, there is just no way in my mind that he EVER could have done anything to that baby girl. But, she won her case anyway, and the only way he could see his daughter was if he went to her home and she supervised the visit (yeah, not a social worker, they weren't really prevalent back then). Of course she'd never be there or she'd refuse to answer the door. He ran out of money to fight her, and he lost the chance to have a relationship with his daughter out of this woman's horrible spite. In my opinion, she needed her head examined, among other things, but I was young then and knew nothing of the situation.

So what's my point? My point is that he may not have been playing with an ex who has a full deck (or a 1/2 a deck, even). Here's the thing: Without more details, it's hard to know if he's a loser or if he's been placed in an unfortunate situation and is resentful of that situation as a result. While I don't think he should feel like a glorified babysitter when he's with his child, if he's rarely permitted to be with his child, I can see how he could be angry enough at her to say that. No child or parent should be in that situation.

What should you do? Find out as much about the situation as you can. Is this an ex who is playing the system and a system that is allowing itself to be played, or if this a situation where you have a man who is apathetic and has the potential to continue to be so? If it's the latter, run, don't walk, to get away. However, if it's the prior, you have to do what is in your best interest and follow your gut from here on out. We don't always know the journeys people have had to take to get to where they are today, just that they are here. We don't always get to choose how it's going to go, either. Sometimes, the journey happens to us in spite of our best interests. Either way, I do think he needs some help dealing with his situation.

Best wishes to you, and sorry for the incredibly long response. I do hope it helps in some way.
Last edited by brneyedangel; June 29,2009 at 12:25pm. Reason: typos
 
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