Showing interest or stalking


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jimmyfats is offline jimmyfats Post #1  June 28,2009, 12:33am
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This question is for the women.

In your opinions when do you make the decision that a man has moved from showing interest in you to making you feel like you are being stalked?

I really want honest answers here.

I'll give you a little of my situation.
I had a short 2 day class on parenting. In this class was a girl I was intrigued by, when she spoke about her life. I wanted to talk to her one on one, not in a class situation and get to know her a little more. Well I didn't get a chance to talk to her before class ended and she more or less left right after it ended so I figured I lost out on the opportunity.
Later that night I went to my 2nd year of league at a sports facility. I walk up to the bar and she is the bartender. We chatted a little about the class and started talking more. About a month later after leagues I stayed and talked to her more. It's not very busy after wards so she has time to sit and talk. Turns out we live in the same town about 3 miles apart. Over the next months we talked about our lives and such, shared stories and even pictures. She tells me she works 2 nights a week there so when I had free time I would stop by and have a few drinks on nights she was there to talk to her. She tells me about her main job elsewhere, about her family she introduces me to her father, brother and sister, who all work there also. Tells me about her family life her pets, kids, pending divorce, her ex and the things he is doing to make her life hell, and a lot of other "getting to know you" things. After seeing her 15 to 18 times over the next 5 months I ask her for her phone number and email, which she gives me without hesitation. So now 4 months later I have sent her 3 emails with no response, I have called her 5 times and only talked to her once and that was about 1 minute because she was headed to work and she made it quick. Now in between the calls and emails I still went to the sports facility and she would sit and talk to me as long as I was there. Then one night she were talking about her ex stalking her, leaving stuff in her car at work, following her, calling her 25 times a day blocking his number and just hanging up, he actually called her while I was there and she made the off hand comment to me of, "at least I know it isn't you." I asked her out for coffee and she said no. Then a few weeks later I was there with a mutual friend of ours, and he said something about her ex, she commented, then our friend asked her about how her and I were doing, to which she replied "my other stalker." I was surprised to hear she feels that way. So at this point I am at a loss to figure out why she feels like that. That was a month ago. I haven't seen her since. Her brother and I have become friends. I see him every week, he invited me to a big party he had at his house. I didn't go. Some friends, her brother and her dad asked me why I wasn't at the party. I told them I had to work late. I don't want it to look like I am doing what ever I can just to be by her. I would like to be, but at this point it looks like I will have to give up on any chance of going out with her since she feels like that. I mean if that's how she feels, why does she still talk to me at the bar? She has other things she could be doing. She would go wait on people then come right back and sit down by me again. One time her brother actually yelled at her while she was talking to me, to help him do her job.
What gives?
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  June 28,2009, 1:12am
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It seems to me that you are showing interest. Stalking I associate with things like:

~ Does not ask for phone numbers. Finds them out him/herself and the recipient is targeted with multiple hang-up calls.
~ Finds out home address and other key places in the person's life and visits these places religiously. Though has no legit reason to be there.
~ Insinuates him/herself into the lives of people who are in regular contact with his/her target.
~ Sends unwarranted, inappropriate or downright scary gifts anonymously.
~ Makes verbal and written threats.
~ Makes sure the target can see he/she is always there, or knows how to get in touch with target.

There's obviously a whole raft of things which could be added to the above and the person would likely be unaware he/she is being stalked. Professional criminals come to mind.

Given that your friend has made a comment 'my other stalker', that would be more than enough for me to stop extra contact. If it is your habit to visit the bar before you realised she was the bartender, then continue to go there - but don't engage in any conversation other than general niceties with her. Then if she asks why you no longer speak with her, you can advise you believed her when she called you a stalker and since that's something you take seriously (stalkers) you felt it best to cease contact. I'm really sorry this has happened, not nice at all.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  June 28,2009, 2:22am
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Why are you in "parenting class" together ?Her life is a mess with the ex and all the drama, what do you want with this? Let her get her act together . I'm wondering about why you would consider stalking vs. interest a subject you can not differentiate?
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #4  June 28,2009, 5:33am
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If she has not told you to leave her alone and is still interested in talking to you (your advances) then you are not stalking.

Though I think that you are not moving very fast since you talked to her at the bar and then waited a month to talk to her again.

(maybe this was all covered in your OP but it was too long for me to wade through)
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #5  June 28,2009, 9:00am
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It is pretty obvious, she knows that you are into her very much and yet she isn't into you any more than wanting to be friends. I am not sure though why she thinks you are stalking her, or why she would even joke like that. I mean if you were calling her every day or sending her tons of emails or making a point to be where she is so you can talk to her all the time that would be a stalker behavior and then even if you weren't stalking her she might joke about it. However, judging by what I have read, you aren't stalking her. Though seriously dude, I probably won't waste my time. She might be fun to talk to you when you see her and that is fine; however, she doesn't seem to be interested back to you and do if I were I wouldn't waste my time.
 
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DennisWisconsin is offline DennisWisconsin Post #6  June 28,2009, 9:16am
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If you are asking the question then you may have issues... Intent is usually one of the keys. Do your actions feel benevolent or malevolent?
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #7  June 28,2009, 9:18am

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she has to talk to you at the bar. It's her job.

She shouldn't have given you her number, but after you called her 5 times and got no response, you should have taken the hint and let it go.

I personally don't think you are stalking her, but it's clear she's not interested in you other than in a friends capacity.
Last edited by scarlet13; June 28,2009 at 9:50am. Reason: momentary dyslexia
 
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KungFuFtr is offline KungFuFtr Post #8  June 28,2009, 9:40am
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I would consider it stalking if she said she wasn't interested by saying no. Some women play hard to get and she did give you her number. It's unfortunate that she was too passive in regards to play such a game. It was very rude of her to tell someone else that you were her 2nd stalker. If you still visit the bar I'd be cordial; however, I wouldn't share any personal information with her, nor talk to her for more than a few seconds.
 
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dreamingartist is offline dreamingartist Post #9  June 28,2009, 9:35pm
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or you could have asked her out in the first or second meeting. Then she could have said "no" upfront, and you could have made the decision earlier on whether you wanted to goto the bar over and over, whether you wanted to sit and chat with her over and over, divulge personal info, become friends with the brother, family, dad, etc...

basically you got into the friendzone because you told her with your 5 months of actions that hey, im a nice friendly guy.

where if you would have said, hey I am intrested in the first 2 dates, then she would say yah, sounds good, or no. I would be uncomfortable if I was her and I was your friend for 5 months, then you put the moves on me, and started emailing me a bunch of times, etc... A girl working in the family bar probably doesn't even care about the PC, etc... but at that point it was already too late anyway..

its like meeting a girl for the first time and gettin her # and info, then only talkin to her on facebook? whats up with that. get the #. call them. see if they wanna hang out.. yes? no? ok move on. you would save yourself a big bar tab and alot of months invested in your feelings to her.
 
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thoom45 is offline thoom45 Post #10  June 28,2009, 9:40pm
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dreamingartist got it right here. You should have asked her out the first time you met her, or the 2nd... anytime after that, too late. Friend zone.
 
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