Single Fathers - we still have feelings too ya know!


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Dad2four is offline Dad2four Post #1  June 27,2009, 10:55pm
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Well this is my first post so here goes. I have looked over a few of the other threads and have not seen much about single fathers. I do NOT mean the dads that just have children every other weekend. I am talking about individuals like myself. Who get up at around 4 am get the kids to school by 530 so we can be at our desks by 6. Work all day pick them back up, cook dinner, do damage control, baths, then maybe around 8pm peace and quiet. (then do homework online school rocks! )
Ok that being said my question is three parts. First part – How much information should I divulge about the kids, as this seems to be the very second question right behind WHERE is the mom?
Second – how much should I go into about their mother, as this is usually the first question I am asked.
Third – every woman and I mean every – if they are willing to go out and everything seems great until we have to go out with the kids. Then literally, I never hear from them again. No calls, no email, no TXT. I don’t want to be rude or a stalker, but come on here we are adults right? In addition, no my kids are not that bad but they are young. Well I am seriously thinking about making my Master’s thesis about the way single mothers are looked at as opposed to single fathers.
I would hope it is not how I am presenting the information, but I am an open book honest and up front. You want sugar coating then go to Willy Wanaka, you want the truth and honesty, and well frankly, I think individuals say that out one side of their mouths until they get it then all lips are sealed and it is abandon ship. Any thoughts out there?
 
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chapgirl is offline chapgirl Post #2  July 11,2009, 9:54am
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Good for you that you are taking good care of the kids! That would be a big plus in my book.(But I am probably old enough to be your mom or maybe a big sister!) I would say be honest at the get go about the fact that you are the custodial father. I don't know that you need to give any information about their mother at all, other than the fact that you are the custodial father, unless the dating relationship is going a bit more serious and there are more specific issues that would impact the present relationship.

I am sorry that women have stopped communicating after they have been with the kids, but if they do, they are not the right one for you anyway, since your commitment to your children is the reality of your life. You want and need someone who will have the same commitment, right?

Good Luck to you, and I hope you do get some time to yourself to just be an adult!! I hope you have grandparents nearby who can help you and give you some respite on occasion.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #3  July 11,2009, 11:12am
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I'm going to tell you what I discovered. After 14 years with my ex I divorced him and took my 5 yo DD and 6 mo DS and have raised them alone since. DD is now 22 and DS is 17, and they are my best efforts to date. I won't get into the ex story.

I have dated along the way and what I have learned is that no one will treat or love your children the way you do, and you will not love theirs like they do. It's just human make-up. Yours come first. Unless your child-rearing ways are similar it may be hard. Men w/o kids did not understand, even though they said they did or tried. Kids come first and they didn't and that didn't set too well. Also, if your kids are younger and theirs are older - or vice versa - that may be an issue. The ones with the older kids are tired (emotionally) of the younger, and the ones with the younger are sort of envious of the older, as they cannot be left alone.

I was not a big dater while I was raising them because I wanted them and felt they were my priority. Some thought I shouldn't have put my life on hold but I never felt that way at all. Sure it was tough and at times I wondered what ever gave me the idea that I could parent, but I did and we got through it and I have a great relationship with them both and would not trade that at all.

I guess my advice would be to go with your instinct, because people sometimes cannot change although they try hard. And pay attention to your kids. If they tell you that She is a loser and it's not out of jealousy, She probably is.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #4  July 11,2009, 11:12am
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Personally, I would find it appealing that you have sole custody of your kids. But I am also someone who definitely wants kids - and wouldn't mind if those kids weren't necessarily my biological children. I'm sure your busy schedule would make it a challenge -- but for the right person, it shouldn't be a huge turnoff.

As for the situation with the mother - some might ask, as it's rather rare for a man to end up with full custody -- but it's entirely up to you how much you share. I wouldn't think it would be a story for a casual date -- but if you're seeing some seriously, then it might come up.

All you can do is keep trying -- any woman that doesn't want to spend time with the kids is ultimately not going to be the right one for you.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #5  July 11,2009, 5:25pm
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The whole kids issue is such an individual thing. Obviously, the woman that is perfect for you will have no problem with your children and your children will like her. If I were a parent, I wouldn't settle for less for my kids.

On the other hand, I would not date someone with children in the home. Ever. It's difficult enough to be married at an older age, esp. with someone that has been married before, but even more difficult as a blended family.

You owe to yourself and your kids to be very upfront about your children being in your home. When I read that someone has kids in the home they are closed out immediately. It doesn't even matter what the rest of the profile says.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  July 11,2009, 5:26pm
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Last edited by Nanette; July 11,2009 at 5:27pm. Reason: double
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #7  August 1,2009, 6:34pm

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Dad2four wrote :
Well this is my first post so here goes. I have looked over a few of the other threads and have not seen much about single fathers. I do NOT mean the dads that just have children every other weekend. I am talking about individuals like myself. Who get up at around 4 am get the kids to school by 530 so we can be at our desks by 6. Work all day pick them back up, cook dinner, do damage control, baths, then maybe around 8pm peace and quiet. (then do homework online school rocks! )
Ok that being said my question is three parts. First part – How much information should I divulge about the kids, as this seems to be the very second question right behind WHERE is the mom?
Second – how much should I go into about their mother, as this is usually the first question I am asked.
Third – every woman and I mean every – if they are willing to go out and everything seems great until we have to go out with the kids. Then literally, I never hear from them again. No calls, no email, no TXT. I don’t want to be rude or a stalker, but come on here we are adults right? In addition, no my kids are not that bad but they are young. Well I am seriously thinking about making my Master’s thesis about the way single mothers are looked at as opposed to single fathers.
I would hope it is not how I am presenting the information, but I am an open book honest and up front. You want sugar coating then go to Willy Wanaka, you want the truth and honesty, and well frankly, I think individuals say that out one side of their mouths until they get it then all lips are sealed and it is abandon ship. Any thoughts out there?

Congratulations for stepping up to the plate and being a man and good father. Btw thanks for your service. Asking the women here is a fantastic idea. In the end, your frustration is noted. You are probably correct that having custody will limit your partner opportunities.

Maybe a fe ideas will help? I don't know as I'm not in your situation.

1) never introduce a child to a date unless it was a committed relationship. You probably know this.


2) divulging information about your children-that's on you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. Maybe you need to rethink this. Tough call, I mean you want to be honest and filter out the women.

3) Going out with your date and the children has not worked in the past too well. You are doing the right thing asking for feedback here.

4) Publicity is a good thing! Good luck young fella. May you get the woman of your dreams.
Last edited by roguewolf1; August 1,2009 at 6:42pm. Reason: Just read his call sign
 
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singinggirl is online now singinggirl Post #8  August 1,2009, 6:48pm
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roguewolf1 wrote :
Hey Hoss, a few things.

2) I would never introduce my child to a date unless it was a committed relationship. Other than that I protect my child.


4) divulging information about your children-that's on you. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

5) Publicity is a good thing! Good luck young fella.
I didn't feel that the OP thinks he's better than non-custodial fathers, just different. And, the fact is that it is different when you are the custodial parent whether you are the mother or the father.

Dad2four, I'm sorry you've run into these things. Unfortunately, we single moms run into the situation of men poofing because of the kids all the time. Hang in there! Like someone else said, when the right one comes along, she won't mind your kids--in fact, she will love them. It is harder to date when you are a single parent and when the children live with you all the time (or even most of the time) that makes it even more of a challenge. But it can be done! I've been dating a great guy for about 18 months and he's great with my kids.

Also, someone said that no one will love your kids like you do and that you can't love someone else's kids like you love your own. That is technically true, but do you love all 4 of your children the same? I don't mean equally. Every child has special qualities that draw out a different response. I believe you can find someone who will love your children as if they were their own. Otherwise how can you explain the close, loving relationship between adoptive parents and children?

Stand firm, dad2four. It will happen for you; it just may take a little longer. Good luck with your 4 precious darlings.
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #9  August 1,2009, 7:01pm
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Dad2four wrote :
Well this is my first post so here goes. I have looked over a few of the other threads and have not seen much about single fathers. I do NOT mean the dads that just have children every other weekend. I am talking about individuals like myself. Who get up at around 4 am get the kids to school by 530 so we can be at our desks by 6. Work all day pick them back up, cook dinner, do damage control, baths, then maybe around 8pm peace and quiet. (then do homework online school rocks! )
Ok that being said my question is three parts. First part – How much information should I divulge about the kids, as this seems to be the very second question right behind WHERE is the mom?
Second – how much should I go into about their mother, as this is usually the first question I am asked.
Third – every woman and I mean every – if they are willing to go out and everything seems great until we have to go out with the kids. Then literally, I never hear from them again. No calls, no email, no TXT. I don’t want to be rude or a stalker, but come on here we are adults right? In addition, no my kids are not that bad but they are young. Well I am seriously thinking about making my Master’s thesis about the way single mothers are looked at as opposed to single fathers.
I would hope it is not how I am presenting the information, but I am an open book honest and up front. You want sugar coating then go to Willy Wanaka, you want the truth and honesty, and well frankly, I think individuals say that out one side of their mouths until they get it then all lips are sealed and it is abandon ship. Any thoughts out there?
To be honest you should not be taking your kids out on your dates unless you think the girl is a keeper.

Having sole custody of your kids is going to be a hard sell to most women-I would assume you have 4 which is a great number of kids. It also sounds like you have a very busy life, job, kids, college-as a woman I would wonder how can you fit in dating.

As far as your ex, I would answer question with as little information as is required in the beginning.

Seriously, I think you should wait until you are out of college and your kids are older.
 
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meechee1 is offline meechee1 Post #10  August 1,2009, 7:10pm
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I love the picture in your profile of you with the baby! I feel for you in this situation. There are lots of women and men out there who simply don't want the trouble that comes from dealing with someone else's children. I have met very few blended families where all the children and step-parents get along wonderfully. Will it be possible for you to find someone to love you and your children? Possibly, but you'll have to look a long time to find the right woman.
 
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