tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #1  June 27,2009, 5:50pm
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My son is 19 and just finished first year of college, he goes full time nights. I got custody of him before his senior year of high school. He is a very good young adult and has always been a good kid all his life. We have a very good relationship and always have. He is Manager of a local fast food place in town, ya I know, 19 and already Manager, told you he is a good young adult all around. I don't like some of the friends he is now hanging around with for various reasons which I will not get into since it has nothing to do with my question but he is an adult and hope he makes the right decisions with some guidance from me. He has alot of money saved and has always been a good saver, I will just say he has enough to buy a new car cash but not the one he wants. He is saving up to buy this car cash which at the time when he is ready to buy and if he gets 0% interest I will give him some fatherly advice. My question is now, I think it ready for him to chip in on the living expenses, after all he is an adult and I think it will teach him it's not free to live and also teach him how to manage his savings vs spending vs living expenses, he is spending alot more then saving lately. This will also free up some of my money so I can enjoy more of life then I am already, money is kinda tight for me right now. About 6 months after he graduated high school I had him pay for 1/2 the cell bill, later 1/2 the propane bill (winter only usually) and lastly 1/2 the electric in that order over the last year. Paying 1/2 the electric stopped him from leaving the door open, heat up to high and stuff (good lesson #1). Now I think it ready for him to chip in with some of the other living expenses. I have been thinking about this for a couple months now but not sure how to go about it or if I really even should. Any advice in this matter would be appreciated. Oh yes, he has not college bills, what grants don't take care of I take care of.
Last edited by tommyboy047; June 27,2009 at 5:52pm.
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #2  June 27,2009, 6:01pm
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When I turned 18, I was still in high school. My parents sat me down and said legally I was now an adult and that meant financial responsibility as well. So, they started out fairly small - such as if I wanted to go out with my friends, or on a school excursion, I had to find the money myself. Once I left school and went to TAFE and into the workforce, I had to pay them 'rent' of $100/week and buy my own toiletries and other things I might want, which they didn't include as part of their usual grocery shop.

It was good they did this, because when I finally moved to Sydney when I was 21 and had to find somewhere to live, I was already used to having to part with so much of my pay cheque each week to my parents. While I'm not particularly adept with money, I've never bounced a cheque, or run right out of money in between pay cheques etc. It was a good foundation for me. If I children, I plan to do something similar.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #3  June 28,2009, 6:55am
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I always thought once my kids turned 18, your outta here, lol, that changes once you get there. You want to give them a good start but my son has a good start. Has alot of money in the bank, full time good job and been working since he was 15, good dedicated worker. I really want to know how I go about doing this in a good manner for him and me. It will teach him that living is not free, how to manage his income for life and free up some of my own funds which I need to look into now. I am going to talk to him but just want some advice on how to do it.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #4  June 28,2009, 7:53am
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Well, your socioeconomic demographic is not aligned with mine, but I do not expect I would attempt to charge a child money for indirect expenses (mortgage and such which are essentially the same regardless of the number of members in the household.) On the other hand, I also don’t plan to have any children – and wouldn’t if basic living expenses remained a struggle.

I do agree that he should be paying for the entirety of his hobbies and social expenses, however, at 19.

Personally I would sit down with a spreadsheet and lay out a budget for him while discussing his goals. Buying a nice new car is really not a good priority for a young man with no education or housing yet.

Growing up is hard these days, with the cost of living, but in my opinion the core need is to get through college and get entry into the labor market.

For example, one option would be to take the cash, and instead of purchasing a car, use it for the down payment on a house or condo when he goes to school; he can rent some of the spare bedrooms to other students, probably be cash-flow positive on housing, and with any luck sell the house at a healthy profit when he finishes school.

It all starts with data-driven analysis.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #5  June 28,2009, 8:09am
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Well D_lion, I did like your idea about having him save his money for a better reason, I mean a car is one of the worse investments, I will take this into account when I talk to him, thanks.

As for not charging him for living expenses, I went from "at 18 kids are gone" to "son living with me going on 20". Of course I thought this early in there life and when it came time to act upon my "thought" belief in this, I felt different. I think charging him some kind of rent is not a bad thing and I am going to do it some how. It would be good for him and me. He makes a pretty good paycheck now and has no bills except the small ones I give him now which total only 90 bucks a month. I don't think that shows him how much it's gonna cost in real life and get him ready to manage his pay vs bills to live. Personally I think he is afraid to leave like most kids these days, a few of his friends have talked about it over the year or so but they all are still living at home. All his friends pay some sort of rent and I am sure they are telling my son that is is lucky he does not have to pay but I think that time has come. How I do it and how much will be the question. I surely will go over his income before I decide on how much. I do want him to continue saving but just not what he is spending on it now, get my meaning.
 
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #6  June 28,2009, 9:05am

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When my stepson was 16 years and still spoiled I sat him down. I talked to him man to man, the way I would of wanted my father to do to me.

I gave him a two years notice that by the time he was 18, he'd have to pay for his clothes + other things. I wasn't harsh about it and he took it in a good way. If he had wanted to stay with us, I wouldn't of minded.

For me, family is more important than most anything else {on our deathbeds are we going to say "I wish I would of made more money?" No we will be thinking of how we could of been kinder to someone in our family/friends and/or of having loved our family/friends more.}

I was lucky; he was and still is a good kid. A little while after our talk, he got two jobs while still in high school. I was proud of him for doing that.

My advice to you is not to come across like a butthead. Some parents believe in negative reinforcement-the old punishment and/or harsh treatment.

I don't, for me that stuff never worked and I always responded to positive reinforcement. I believe you can be a good parent without being weak or cruel.

So imho perhaps you can give him time to aclimate himself to your new demands. Ask for a little more $ while telling him how much more you will need.

Verbally or write down when you will need increases, for what and why. Kids are smart; if you bs them, they know. Don't punish them because they make a good salary and you need help.

Rather just be honest. If you need to say "I need more help paying the bills because I don't make enough" then say it that way. You child will always remember this and other things long after you have forgotten.

Check on MSN and Yahoo for more information. Both websites have groups on parenting. Good luck!
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #7  June 28,2009, 9:44am
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Outlaw, some good advice and I have always been a Dad, father and good friend to my kids. My son still says to his friends that I am like his best friend. I have always had a good relationship with my kids and love my kids, they are the only true blood you will have and will love you unconditionally.

As for the money, I move back to this town when I got custody of my son so he could stay in same school and close to his friends. I have never been more the 10 miles from them after the divorce but just not in the same town. I got this place for us as it was close to his school and friends, alot closer then his mothers (marital home) though the same town. We both picked it out. I really don't need the money, I can afford this place but it would free up some of my own money which would be a plus on my part. Lately he has been spending more money on, well, other things and not saving as much as he did/should. I think this will be good for him and me, just need some advice on how to go about doing it the right way and how much is enough to teach him about life's expenses in a good way. Yes, I need help paying the bills but if it was to really effect him in life, I can get by the way things are.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #8  June 30,2009, 11:31am
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I talked to my son this morning and he came through more then I expected. I had a check waiting at home when I got out of work for the whole rent this month, I did not ask for the whole thing mind you, just asked if he could help out more. He told me, "Dad you have helped me so much and I have no problem helping you out". I am so proud of him, what a good kid, I didn't even have to ask when I got home, he just came up and gave me the check. We are going car shopping for him sometime in the next few weeks together. I am sure going to make this up to him for being so great. He also said, "Dad you moved back here in town for me and that made me so happy". I only lived in the next town and never lived more the 10 miles from my kids after the divorce but he really wanted to stay in town, same school and close to his friends. I got a place that is walking distance from his High school and his best friend, who lives on same street as the school. Now that he is in college, all his friends still live in town and they all like coming here.
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neardc is offline neardc Post #9  June 30,2009, 11:59am
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Awww... he really is a good kid, isn't it? That's a very touching story; you are justifiably proud of him.

One thing you might think of doing if you don't actually need the money yourself (i.e., it's more about teaching the lesson), is put it (or part of it) in a separate interest bearing account and return it to him at some point when he really needs it (e.g., down payment time).
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #10  June 30,2009, 2:30pm
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When I graduated from high school I joined the Naval Reserve to keep from being drafted. At first I did not work as I knew I would be going away for bootcamp which in my case lasted 75 days like a regular boot camp. Unpon returning from bootcamp I still did not work until we moved later that year. When I did get a job I gave my parents $20 each week, kept $10 for pocket money and banked the rest. My contribution was more than enough back then to almost buy a week's groceries. Since I worked 2nd shift I brown bagged it and only ate breakfast at home. I still did all the lawn work too. I also helped do the cleaning around the house.

If your son is still helping out with the gas, electric etc I see no reason to make him pay any more. He is definitely learning money management as it is right now.
 
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