How long does it take to know whether or not you feel a connection with someone?


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andisueks is offline andisueks Post #1  June 27,2009, 6:12am
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I am wondering how many times I should go out with a guy before I tell him that I'm not feeling any connection or spark? Definitely more than once, but twice, three times, more? How long does it take to know for sure that there is nothing there? I guess you never know for sure. I don't want to waste my time or his knowing that there isn't a connection, but I don't want to miss out on someone great, either! I have been going out on dates with really nice guys, but I haven't felt a connection with any of them yet. Maybe you can tell me how long it took you to feel a connection with the person you are with. Any ideas would be great!
 
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Michiganer is offline Michiganer Post #2  June 27,2009, 6:36am

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For me, it's very quick. There's an inexplicable chemical thing that happens or doesn't. It starts with the physical appearance. If the person "speaks" to my spirit, very quickly the 'search' goes to the core things...intelligence, conversational ability, and such. Usually, within a few minutes of meeting a woman, I will know if there is a connection. And because I'm a product of my society, if it's not there quickly, it's highly unlikely ever to be there.

And if you don't feel it, tell your male dates soon. Don't leave 'em hanging!
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #3  June 27,2009, 6:53am
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I couldn't imagine going out on a date with someone I hadn't talked to and gotten to know somewhat first. You should already feel some kind of connection to them at that point, albeit minor, before you go out with them. If you aren't excited about them when chatting on the phone/IM/email/in person, you won't be excited about them on a date either. The actual date should only serve to strengthen or disprove your initial feelings. First date jitters are common, so you should give some leniency there. On the second or third date, you should do some kind of activity together. I don't mean just sit down talking over dinner or something passive like watching a movie, but something where you have to interact with each other. If you can't tell if you're attracted to somone after an activity date, then you aren't attracted to them. Time to move on.
 
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Contessa is offline Contessa Post #4  June 27,2009, 7:16am
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Honey - you will know as soon as he opens his mouth. Your first date, your first conversation, you will know as you will feel something you've never felt before - when you get that feeling - somewhere in your throat, the extra beats of your heart, and that funny singing sensation you have in your head....when you stand up from dinner you feel 10lbs lighter instead of 10lbs heavier.....they're all pretty reliable indicators......THEN you know.
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andisueks is offline andisueks Post #5  June 27,2009, 9:08am
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I do get to know them first by email, phone, etc. Some more than others. They're all guys that I have things in common with (sorry, not correct grammar, I know!), and have similar values.

The activity for the second or third date is a good idea. I just don't have a lot of ideas. What are some things that you have done?

Thanks for the input!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #6  June 27,2009, 9:13am
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I sure wish I knew also.

I have never felt any instant spark, any revelation, any butterflies, etc. Maybe I am just defective. I have felt very connected but it was subtle and grew over time. Sadly the connection has to be two way, if the other person is not feeling the same connection then they will end it. Just happened to me.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #7  June 27,2009, 9:16am
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If you are speaking of finding them attractive or not, I have never experienced attraction appearing in time, when it was not present at the beginning.

If you are talking about feelings toward a person, while many people appear to believe “I can just tell right away we were meant to be,” I do not believe that personally.
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #8  June 27,2009, 9:23am
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andisueks wrote :
I do get to know them first by email, phone, etc. Some more than others. They're all guys that I have things in common with (sorry, not correct grammar, I know!), and have similar values.

The activity for the second or third date is a good idea. I just don't have a lot of ideas. What are some things that you have done?

Thanks for the input!
Since if I am not going to be eating on a date I will be eating a microwave dinner which I have eaten just way too many of already. So I like to have dinner somewhere during the date. Then for the activities some things I have done. See a movie, bowling, mini golf, a picnic and a walk in the park. Cook dinner together and watch a DVD (this would be for a later date when you are comfortable being in his or your home). Play cards or a board game. Go for a bike ride. I was planning on going to see the Laser light show at my local science center but got dumped. A date does not have to be expensive or elaborate to be fun and good. I can have a great deal of fun just sitting and talking.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  June 27,2009, 10:06am
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Michiganer wrote :
For me, it's very quick. There's an inexplicable chemical thing that happens or doesn't. It starts with the physical appearance. If the person "speaks" to my spirit, very quickly the 'search' goes to the core things...intelligence, conversational ability, and such. Usually, within a few minutes of meeting a woman, I will know if there is a connection. And because I'm a product of my society, if it's not there quickly, it's highly unlikely ever to be there.

And if you don't feel it, tell your male dates soon. Don't leave 'em hanging!


I'm with you on this one. I have always known immediately.

When I was younger, if he was nice & I liked him, I might continue to see him even though I knew it would never develop into a romance. Sometimes you just end up as friends.

But if either of you are serious & wants a romance, then don't waste either person's time.

One thing I do know is you can't force what isn't there to begin with...
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #10  June 27,2009, 1:51pm
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If I don't feel some sort of connection on the first date, there won't be a second date.

The couple of times I violated that "rule" I regretted it. The second date was always worse than the first, and more than confirmed the lack of "spark."

Sometimes the first date is pleasant enough, but the next day when thinking back on it I think "Nah...." After that, I don't second guess my gut feelings.

Just because a date ignites a spark doesn't mean it will lead to a forever relationship, but if there isn't a spark there at the beginning I wouldn't expect it to grow.
 
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