Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #1  June 24,2009, 1:45pm
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Sadly it's been my experience that 95% of Nice Guys (I'm talking about real nice guys not doormats) are really Players in disguise. Any tips based upon experience about how to tell the difference before it's too late?
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #2  June 24,2009, 1:47pm

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What exactly is a player? I see that label brandied about but really....what is a player??
 
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Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #3  June 24,2009, 1:52pm
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I suppose by "Player" I simply mean a guy who knows what a particular woman (or women in general) wants and talks the talk, walks the walk etc while pretending to have the same goals in mind. Usually claiming that you are the only "one" but secretly juggling many...
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 24,2009, 1:55pm
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My definition of a player is a guy who knows how to say all the right things to get a woman to sleep with him and then dumps her once he "won" the game since his sole objective was to sleep with her and nothing else.

However I have a feeling that is not what the OP is referring to.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #5  June 24,2009, 1:56pm
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You're throwing around a number of labels "nice guys", "players" -- without any real definition of what those are.

I'm a woman - and if I'm going to be truly honest -- there's probably been some point in my life where I was the "nice girl" and there was some point where I was the "player" -- it's all relative and depends on who's doing the labeling.

As I see it, the most important thing you can do is trust your gut, be yourself and take your time in getting to know someone. I've heard people complain about "players" -- but all too often it's because they spend way too much time listening to what's coming out of the other's person's mouth and completely ignoring their actions. If some guy is promising you the sun and the moon and you barely know him - then you need to be suspicious - as they say, if it sounds too good to be true...
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #6  June 24,2009, 2:02pm

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Nature_Lover wrote :
I suppose by "Player" I simply mean a guy who knows what a particular woman (or women in general) wants and talks the talk, walks the walk etc while pretending to have the same goals in mind. Usually claiming that you are the only "one" but secretly juggling many...
OK, so why do you confuse players as nice guys??? With that definition of player they are not nice since they are dishonest.

How many men have you run into like this? I can't say I really have but I did have a friend that dated a guy through an edating site and he was a "player". Of course, I would not say "player" - I would say he was a BS'er. But I could see through him and my friend could too but she just choose not to. At one point, I said "He is lying to you." And she said..."I don't care." Really, that is what she said...verbatim. You see, she was so anxious, at the time, to be in a relationship that she ignored who he was and only saw what she wanted to see.

So maybe the answer lies somewhere in there...maybe? Are there no signs that these guys are not sincere? And if they are, have you just ignored them?

For a happy ending: My friend found out the guy was still on the dating site and dating all of these other women when she thought they were exclusive. So over a girls weekend, we set up a different profile for her and she met someone. They have been married seven years and have just had their second baby and they are very happy.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  June 24,2009, 2:09pm
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blrdancer wrote :
You're throwing around a number of labels "nice guys", "players" -- without any real definition of what those are.

I'm a woman - and if I'm going to be truly honest -- there's probably been some point in my life where I was the "nice girl" and there was some point where I was the "player" -- it's all relative and depends on who's doing the labeling.

As I see it, the most important thing you can do is trust your gut, be yourself and take your time in getting to know someone. I've heard people complain about "players" -- but all too often it's because they spend way too much time listening to what's coming out of the other's person's mouth and completely ignoring their actions. If some guy is promising you the sun and the moon and you barely know him - then you need to be suspicious - as they say, if it sounds too good to be true...
Exactly. When things are moving way too fast, when he tells me how much he is falling in love without having had a chance to know me, when he demands to be exclusive after just a date or two, when he tells me that I'm the one just a couple of weeks after we've met, when he is too quick to talk about distant future plans together, when he seems too polished, when too much of what he says is what I or women in general want to hear, all those are red flags. Not saying that I would dump the guy for it, but those things will cause me to slow things down and explore a bit before getting too involved with him.

In my experience, a more real guy is not going to go off the deep end, he will have his own fears about you, he will be a bit rough around the edges, he won't always tell you what you want to hear, he won't always do what you want, etc. In other words he is just not as polished.

Ultimately though, you can't call a guy a player because he told you all those things, but as you got to know each other the relationship did not work out and he moved on.
 
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Nature_Lover is offline Nature_Lover Post #8  June 24,2009, 2:10pm
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LizziePooh wrote :
OK, so why do you confuse players as nice guys??? With that definition of player they are not nice since they are dishonest.
I can not be the only female who has been lied to and at least for a short time, not seen through it. And yes...obviously they are not nice...they are pretending to be nice.

Obviously there will eventually be signs/tells...that will be impossible to miss. Just looking to see if anyone has tips as to how to spot these guys sooner rather than later.
 
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rking101 is offline rking101 Post #9  June 24,2009, 2:15pm
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I would say the best way to find out if some guys is playing you is to get him around his friends and see how he acts and watch how is friends act...If your getting played his friends will know that your getting played to.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  June 24,2009, 2:22pm
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Nature_Lover wrote :
I can not be the only female who has been lied to and at least for a short time, not seen through it. And yes...obviously they are not nice...they are pretending to be nice.

Obviously there will eventually be signs/tells...that will be impossible to miss. Just looking to see if anyone has tips as to how to spot these guys sooner rather than later.

OK, so a lot of "players" will use the fact that women want marriage, family, stability, security, etc. So they'll talk and imply a future together very early on. They'll get you thinking about dream vacations, about buying a house together, about having children, etc. Now they are not going to discuss these things in practical terms as in do you want to have a family, but rather try to get into your head this idylic image of how your future together will be. Try to sweep you off your feet a bit. So a non-player for lack of a better term may just ask you if you are interested in having a family, but will stop with that. He wants to know your stance on that, but he does not know if you are the right person for him and in reality he is probably scared to death of the subject. A player will try to plant an image in your head, a fantasy.
 
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