Weird situation, I'm probably in denial but complicated..


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gromitfan is offline gromitfan Post #1  June 23,2009, 9:31pm
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Hi All, can't figure this one out. Please excuse the length of this post... talk about over-analysing.

Everyone tells me to get out, but after 37yrs on planet looking for a soul-mate, and wasting a lot of time with people who weren't, I can't bring myself to give up on it. I doubt she'll ever be bothered to look up on here so I can be very specific....

The History: A couple of weeks of emails then 8 or so dates. Felt fantastic, real connection and chemistry, extremely comfortable together, was already really falling for her emotionally, (which is unheard of for me), she acted the same if not stronger, making plans for the summer etc. She then engineered an overnight stay at mine, which was so fabulous (just no intercourse tho' .... reason later) to the point all prior experiences (which were extensive) paled in comparison. I seriously doubt I'll find someone like this again.

However this is where I think problems began. She certainly seemed to enjoy it... more than a few times ... which I know can be faked of course, but before this I had to bring up the delicate matter of my G.Herpes. She seemed slightly familiar with it and respectful, gave her the opportunity to back out gracefully, but she was still very keen.

Ok so this is incredible I think, the universe has finally brought me together with a soulmate I can be myself with, love AND fulfill my sexual desires. NOT!

Next date 2 days later meant to see a movie no signs of anything different in her behaviour yet. Too nice weather, so go for a romantic walk. She stops says as I was honest with her, she has to be honest with me... tells me (with eyes slightly tearing up) she's a mistress to a married man for a long time, in an arrangement where he's paying for her university (shes 38 and has summers off her job.) and only wants to play around and have fun with me as she can't be faithful or in a relationship. She "couldn't deceive me any longer" and "never expected to meet such a great, sensitive and fun guy". She says she doesn't intend to try and settle down with this man, so I have no idea where she thinks her life will go.

So Question 1. Was this story for real or an attempt to make me leave because she was wary of the herpes, or she wanted a better lover (hey it's possible )

Whatever she intended, I was still in shock but I still knew how I felt for her and so we proceeded to go out to dinner and drinks and discuss her situation, she drops me off.. I'm upset but polite, I can actually understand from her work situation how she could have got into this position, even though I can't condone it. We exchange emails (some of mine rather spiteful) and I feel she is reconsidering her situation, she seems genuinely to understand how she deserved better (even if not with me I added). Everything she has said and portrayed herself up to her confession lead me to believe she was after a long term relationship and settle down. We meet up a couple more times and end up cuddling and agree to continue dating for now, seems to me like she just needs time to make hopefully the right decision. Go for a meal and things are a little cool, I can understand, some guilt some shame probably. She's told she has no work this winter either unless she moves and to top it off she's doing badly at Uni. Wow she has a lot on her plate right? I agree not to see her for a bit so she can concentrate and exchange emails for a week or two. We already have tickets to a concert with her friends but her emails are a bit ambigous so I ask her if I'll be there as a date or a buddy... either way I'll be cool. Definitely date she says. Wonderful! Thankyou Universe! Great night in general but I apparently misread her behaviour infront of her friends as too cool and night ends weirdly with me driving away from her place without saying goodbye properly. Apparently she'd gone in just for a pee and her friends and I misunderstood, anyway she calls me when I get home "what kind of person do I think she is that wouldn't say bye properly?" I'm pretty confused so I faux pas and say I just don't know any more.

Over the next few days I send a few emails, firstly normal then apologetic but I'm not getting any replies and she's not answering the phone. Crap! I finally plead with her in a mail to let me know she's OK and not in a hospital, and she finally replies "don't be upset" just really trying hard to study and she'll let me know "when things ease off a bit". OK I can accept that, I send the odd how's progress? emails over the next week ... nothing. Then a how about a drink email.... nothing....Another 4 days and an I send a polite, honest email ...What's up? I know she's got a lot on her plate but asking her to let me know if I'm off the radar for good, and if so can we be friends ...nothing back.

Now she knows I have family staying for a few weeks so she may be wary of calling but I can't understand her being too cowardly and insensitive not to email. I've tried my hardest and expressed that I'm neither needy, dependant nor desperate, but don't want to walk away from this.

I am just in denial and have been dumped?

Is she taking some time to reassess her situation and there might be a future?

Does she just have too much on her plate and lacks the communication ability to tell me what she's doing, and she needs a break?

How do I get my favourite DVDs back?!

If I continue to email or call her again does that make me a stalker freak bearing in mind she has let this go unresolved?

I see she has updated her eharmony profile in the past few weeks and wonder if she's moved on to other poor gullible guys who she'll lead on for a while.There's probably more but this novel is too lengthy already...

Thanks to those who read and reply.
This is so far from my usual emotional state and experience that I'm desperate for any reasonable non judgmental advice.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #2  June 24,2009, 3:18pm
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I am sorry that you have found yourself in this complicated situation. There is no way you could have known that the girl you were dating was a mistress. You might have become suspicious if she refused dates on a certain night or nights every week but barring that there just would not have been any way for you to have known. I do not know her financial status nor her major but the cost of some majors can add up to over a $100 thousand easily. No one wants that kind of debt coming out of college especially in the present economy.

As for the way she acted around her friends in your presence it is possible that they either knew about her arrangement or were in complete dark about the arrangement. She could have been stressed out all evening wondering if something were going to cause problems for her. I personally think she just forgot to inform you she needed to use the restroom and would be back in a few. I would have waited 5-10 minutes to see if she was going to return.

Your gf's live is full of stress. Attending college with all its deadlines and exams are enough to drive a sane person crazy...been there done that. Give her some space. Let her come to you but in the mean time enjoy life. It is all too short to waste. Good luck
 
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bravethestorm is offline bravethestorm Post #3  June 24,2009, 3:32pm
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I think if there is truth in her comment on being a mistress that alone would qualify as not being able to commit fully to one relationship.

There's a lot of drama here...personally I'd want to take the lifeboat and abandon this "ship". However, I know it is easier said than done when you care about someone.

When you let someone borrow dvds etc...you kinda have to figure that the possibility that you won't see them or in same condition again is there. You could ask for them or just write it off as a loss. It all depends on how direct you want to proceed on this.

I would suggest on taking some "you time" and doing what you like to do. Use that to do some thinking and then decide what you want to do. Plus I think she has a lot to figure out with school and everything else on her plate that emotionally...she's just not all there to begin with. Space might help her sort out what she does want.

Good luck!
 
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Geetysburg is offline Geetysburg Post #4  June 24,2009, 4:03pm
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Write her off and move on. Way too much drama and baggage there
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #5  June 24,2009, 4:07pm
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would very much appreciate it if the rain would stop, now! Thanks!

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Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. I can't imagine that anything makes any sort of sense right now, and I can sense your frustration in your post.

At this point, you have to decide if you believe that the mistress story is even true. If you do, and I'm thinking you do, then the ball is in her court. No amount of emails or phone calls will change the fact that she is the one who holds the answer for you.

OR, you could take the "me time" that bravethestorm suggested and decide if this is really what you want out of a relationship. She's not going to commit to you fully right now, and if your feelings for her grow, I'm fearful that you will end up hurt in the end. Don't you deserve someone who will be there for you 100% of the time? And why should you have to share her with someone else?

I know how frustrating it is to try and find the one for you. I'm still looking, as well. Make sure that the one you choose is selected because she is truly "THE ONE" in all of the aspects that you need her to be, and not just because she is what looks best right now.

Good luck to you!
Last edited by brneyedangel; June 24,2009 at 4:08pm. Reason: grammar
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  June 24,2009, 6:13pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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The way I see it - she is feeling insecure in your relationship. She is probably used to men rejecting her over the mistress situation.

While I do not condone such behavior, we all make stupid choices sometimes, none of us are perfect, and most of us have a few skeletons in our closet. You seem to be able to look past this, which is great for both of you. But keep in mind that most guys probably wouldn't and she would have certainly come across a lot of condemnation in the past. Just like you have with your illness. Both have a societal stigma attached, rightly or wrongly.

The rest of her behavior screems personal insecurity to me. If you would like to proceed and try to make the relationship work, some gentle reassurances and telling her that you really miss her company (or you DVD), may work well in this situation.

Good luck!
 
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Gr8Guyn2008 is offline Gr8Guyn2008 Post #7  June 24,2009, 8:33pm
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Way too much drama here for me.

I don't date cheaters. No matter which direction you look at this girl from she is cheating on someone. From one side she is cheating on the guy she is a mistress to. From the other she is cheating on you with that guy. Her values are certainly not what I would consider to be very high as she seems to find it acceptable to be a mistress to some guy who is cheating on his wife.

Lace up the track shoes and run unless you have the same values that she has.
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #8  June 24,2009, 10:25pm
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Well...It doesn't seem to be your GH, or she wouldn't have slept with you in the first place.

I'd put my money on the fact that you've become a chaser. Your insecurity or desperation to make this work have turned you into a needy guy, and no woman likes those. Being snippy and spiteful to her won't help your case either.
She knows you're interested. The ball is in her court now, don't shred the rest of your dignity by hounding her.
 
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gromitfan is offline gromitfan Post #9  June 24,2009, 11:33pm
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Thank-you people! I think I got something out of each of your replies... more opinions are of course welcome, give her space, time and continue life (such as it is) and see what comes up. I hope I really enjoyed whatever I did in a past life to deserve this though!
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #10  June 25,2009, 3:17am
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I'm going to agree with Hazmat's stance on this one ...you've become a doormat.

No man in his right mind with an ounce of security or self-esteem would say, "oh that's ok" when he's just been told that the woman he's dating is a mistress - and, really, let's put the right label on it since she's obviously providing sexual favors for college tuition - to a married guy.

Listen to what she is telling you ..."and only wants to play around and have fun with me as she can't be faithful or in a relationship". She can never give you the kind of relationship that you want until this arrangement is over ...either she graduates or quits ...and, honestly, I don't see it happening even then.

I'd say you are floating high down the river of de-Nile. It's not that you've been dumped ...it's that, because of her situation, you never had a chance to begin with.
 
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