So, I didn't poof, but....


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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #1  June 23,2009, 1:59pm
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Met a guy on a different dating site - went on 3 dates in the course of about 4 weeks. We're compatible in some ways, but ultimately don't see it going anywhere and my heart's just not into it.

I didn't want to be that girl that "poofed" so I sent him an e-mail saying that I enjoyed getting to know him but I just didn't think we're a good match, best of luck, etc.

Well, then I get an e-mail saying he wants "honest feedback" of why I don't see it working and what he did wrong???

This was the first time I've ever been asked this after such a short time - is this common? Personally, if someone is honest enough to write and end things - I'm not going to go looking for more explanation, but maybe that's just me.
 
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Ylog is offline Ylog Post #2  June 23,2009, 2:25pm

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Whats wrong in giving him the feedback he desires? For you 4 weeks may be nothing. He might be having trouble getting past the 1st week and so it was a long time.

Be brutally honest and don't respond if he argues about your feedback.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #3  June 23,2009, 2:31pm
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You did fine. 3 dates, polite explanation. He can't let go, of course, if you were to engage in "honest feedback" he would argue..why not this, why that? He's taking it personally. And the curiosity is killing him . Nothing you say could possibly be good, unless it is constructive, such as "you took me to a strip joint, jerk!" that way, at least he could learn from the experience. But if it's just bad chemistry or bad breath , he won't really want to hear it anyway.
blrdancer wrote :
Met a guy on a different dating site - went on 3 dates in the course of about 4 weeks. We're compatible in some ways, but ultimately don't see it going anywhere and my heart's just not into it.
I didn't want to be that girl that "poofed" so I sent him an e-mail saying that I enjoyed getting to know him but I just didn't think we're a good match, best of luck, etc.
Well, then I get an e-mail saying he wants "honest feedback" of why I don't see it working and what he did wrong???
This was the first time I've ever been asked this after such a short time - is this common? Personally, if someone is honest enough to write and end things - I'm not going to go looking for more explanation, but maybe that's just me.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 23,2009, 2:33pm
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This is precisely why people poof. Unfortunately I can relate and I've had more than my fair share of crazy men demanding detailed explanations and arguing back and forth and promising to change based on feedback and demanding to be given another chance based on those "changes" even after just a couple of dates. In my personal opinion it's not normal at all, more like borderline psycho behavior.
 
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blrdancer is offline blrdancer Post #5  June 23,2009, 3:46pm
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Ylog wrote :
Whats wrong in giving him the feedback he desires? For you 4 weeks may be nothing. He might be having trouble getting past the 1st week and so it was a long time.

Be brutally honest and don't respond if he argues about your feedback.
Well, I did go ahead and respond ... kinda silly in my opinion as it wasn't actually anything he'd "done wrong" ... wasn't one single thing, but a combination of many little things (isn't it always?)

And as you all predicted, he then proceeded to explain his behavior, say I should give him another chance, etc. Guess you just can't win
 
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Mayne is offline Mayne Post #6  June 23,2009, 5:06pm
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blrdancer wrote :
Well, I did go ahead and respond ... kinda silly in my opinion as it wasn't actually anything he'd "done wrong" ... wasn't one single thing, but a combination of many little things (isn't it always?)

And as you all predicted, he then proceeded to explain his behavior, say I should give him another chance, etc. Guess you just can't win
Next time just lie and say you're giving up the relationship because you have decided to join a monastery.
 
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stevex is offline stevex Post #7  June 23,2009, 5:12pm
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How much it may bother him, I would call it quit and not respond. The minute you are honest it will only hurt his feelings more and perhaps cause him to argue and get vile about it.
 
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LizziePooh is offline LizziePooh Post #8  June 23,2009, 5:30pm

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Wiseman2 wrote :
You did fine. 3 dates, polite explanation. He can't let go, of course, if you were to engage in "honest feedback" he would argue..why not this, why that? He's taking it personally. And the curiosity is killing him . Nothing you say could possibly be good, unless it is constructive, such as "you took me to a strip joint, jerk!" that way, at least he could learn from the experience. But if it's just bad chemistry or bad breath , he won't really want to hear it anyway.
Ha! Ha! on the strip joint comment!!

Yeah, figured it would be like that for you, blrdancer! It is kind of like people having trouble with the close reason...other. I am not sure why people really need more than that. It just means for whatever reasons we did not catch someone's fancy. It happens to us, it happens to them...it happens.

Good luck with the search!
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #9  June 23,2009, 5:39pm
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Yes this is exactly why people just end things and don't say anything. It is very awkward and uncomfortable trying to explain to someone why you're just not into them. And even if you do there is a good possibility it is not going to satisfy them, and they're going to want more and more feedback. It has the potential to be exhausting. If they don't call back then that's all the feedback you need.

The only exception it would seem to be is if you've been dating for months on an exclusive basis. Then some reasonable degree of explanation is called for. But then again it should still be short and to the point without a lot of back and forth. Pull the band-aid off quickly and get it over with.
Last edited by waltercl; June 23,2009 at 6:26pm.
 
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Icarus_rw is offline Icarus_rw Post #10  June 23,2009, 8:33pm
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blrdancer wrote :
This was the first time I've ever been asked this after such a short time - is this common? Personally, if someone is honest enough to write and end things - I'm not going to go looking for more explanation, but maybe that's just me.
For me this would be enough. I don't understand either why he needs more reasons but some people just do. If it is just not there, it just is not! Blrdancer I would say lay it on him gently even though you're probably feeling like you're reiterating things.

Just think of all the karma points you'll get! =)

~I
 
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